Intense Regret

As a kid online from the ages of 12-14 I would often read taboo themed stories on the internet, usually involving weird stuff like incest that would usually involve mother/son stuff involving a young, often underage son (a bit younger than I was at the time). I would never look at these things nowadays, I honestly have zero interest in this stuff now and the fact that I ever did is upsetting and makes me feel ill.
I specifically remember this one instance, where I wanted something that involved a younger person and searched 'kid' alongside the usual incesty stuff I would search. I can't even remember if anything came up, but I think there may have been some sort of warning at the top that spoke about the dangers of harmful images on the internet, so I may have just not bothered searching at all.
I also have this fear that I may have searched 'video' alongside this stuff, although I also can never recall looking at images/videos of young people. I specifically remember reporting an image I came across on instagram of two teenagers having sex, and was slightly shaken up and disturbed by the image.
I'm not attracted to kids at all, and would never hurt a kid or look up taboo stories like that now. I'm really in a bad state of regret writing this, and I feel so lost.

Sexual curiosity, even of the taboo kind, is not unusual. My story is much like yours, except I didn't have the internet at the time, so I couldn't really explore beyond my own thoughts.

I wouldn't get down on yourself.

I also have this fear that I may have searched 'video' alongside this stuff, although I also can never recall looking at images/videos of young people. I specifically remember reporting an image I came across on instagram of two teenagers having sex, and was slightly shaken up and disturbed by the image.
I'm not attracted to kids at all, and would never hurt a kid or look up taboo stories like that now. I'm really in a bad state of regret writing this, and I feel so lost.

This concerns me because these are the kind of thoughts (inner dialogue/guilt) we start to see when someone is becoming burdened by anxiety and may start exhibiting symptoms of a disorder (such as OCD). By no means am I saying you have these things. But you have posted here for support and, as I said, I have seen this kind of "overthinking" or words like "I also have this fear that I may have...", and these are warning signals.

Try to ease up on your guilt. Understand that your explorations are shared by many. The problem we have these days is - porn and easy access to erotica by people (usually younger) who can become overwhelmed by such things, and confused by their feelings and thoughts.

If you find you are worrying more and more, and it consuming a lot of your time and making it hard to live a normal life, please seek some professional support.

good luck,

Otter.

Hi, thanks for the reply.
I do have OCD as you mentioned, but I am still worried since this all took place a while ago and I'm having trouble recovering all my memories to make sure I didn't look at anything harmful on the internet. I feel like there may be a chance I did, not on a regular basis or often, but I'm worried I could have come across some sort of illicit material. I don't think me only being 12-14 is an excuse for this, but it's hard to stop thinking when you can't remember anything.
Thing is, this kind of anxiety eats away at me frequently and although I am able to control it from being obvious to others it effects how I live my life. I want to be a good person, and feel like I contribute to people's lives but a feeling like this makes me feel tainted inside, and I don't feel very worthy of a good life.

Trouble recovering your memory or thinking "What if it actually happened like this?" is most likely your OCD playing tricks on you...

Curiousity is natural, and not something that you should worry about, keep in mind that you actually didn't hurt anyone.
You mention it being from a while ago, i can almost guarantee you that nobody cares about what you looked at or read, you were a kid give yourself a break

You are not looking at that stuff anymore, and that is what matters now You are a good person don't you ever forget that.