Extreme Guilt and Discust With Myself

I'm about to turn 19. This was almost 10 years ago and it's still eating away at me. Just a little backround about me and my up bringing. I had a very good childhood. I was always a very happy and energetic kid. But, I was always very impulsive and seemed a bit less mature than other kids my age. Later we found out I had adhd which explains why I was neurologically under developed. To put it into perspective my sister was 5 years younger than me and read at a higher level than I did.(P.S. im not blaming anything on adhd, I take full responsibility for what i did) My sister and I were very close and still are. We grew up in a house were a kiss on the mouth wasn't a romantic thing. Our mom would kiss us on the mouth. Our mom had us bathe together, share a room, etc etc. The point is we were a very close family.

When i was around 10, my sister (age 5) asked me to play mom and dad with her. Long story short, as disgusting and wrong as it is, I used the situation to try and practice kissing. This happened a total of 2-3 times as far as i can remember. Nothing was forced, there was absolutly no touching or anything of that nature. I did not even know what sex was at the time. We'd make an o shape with our mouth and open and close it over and over again. I know this is not actually kissing but im appauled by the fact that i thought it was and I still did it. My dad saw us the last time and told me that I can't try to kiss my sister. That was it. It has never been brought back up again. Nothing sexual ever happened again.

For a while those memories just went away. For about 3 years. Something triggered them when I was a freshman in highschool. I don't know what made me think of it. All I could imagine is how everyone would hate me if they found out and I'd wonder if my sister remembered what happened and if deep down she hated me, or even worse, blamed herself for the disgusting thing I did. And it affected me to the point where I wouldn't even talk anymore. I'd cry myself to sleep because it was all I could think about. Then it started to go away again. The memories would come and go in bunches. Sometimes it would pop in my head for a few seconds and other times days.

I regret nothing in my life but this. I'm scared that I might have ruined me sisters life. We are so close. We spend so much time together. I can't believe I did something that could negatively affect her for the rest of her life. I don't even know if she remembers or my parents. I hate when people compliment or do nice things for me because I don't think any person who could do something like that to someone so deer to them deserves kindness. I hate watching the news because deep down I feel like I'm not better than the sickos that the news showcases. I avoid relationships with women because of it. I can't forgive myself. And recently, before a few nights ago, I had completely forgot about it. I honestly can't remember when it last popped in my head. It was the happiest time of my Iife. I don't want anyones simpathy. I just want to forget these memories. Im post thing because I can't keep it all just in my head anymore. I don't know what to do. Pretty sure I have pure o ocd which makes forgetting 100 times harder.

Hi Pablo44,

I too am wondering if this is OCD related. I was thinking that when reading your post before you mentioned it. Things people do when 9 or 10 years old generally tend to be easily let go, unless they are very traumatic events.

I think you'd be surprised at how many people did weird, even sexual things as kids.

To be as objective as possible, I don't think what you did was that bad. You were both young children and that makes a huge difference. You were just curious and followed that curiosity blindly. Children do that! Give your child-self a break!

I personally wouldn't bring this up with your sister, if only to save her some embarrassment. But embarrassment is likely all it will be. Our childhood transgressions are usually remembered with an awkward smile and perhaps a shake of the head, not contempt.

It's awful that this innocent childhood event has changed how you view relationships. Do you not feel any distinction between your childhood self and your adult self? It's important to see such a distinction, because the brain is wired very differently from when we were children to adulthood.

Any partner worth your time and love would not judge you on your childhood. I'm sure deep down you know this.

So I do think OCD may be a factor here, though you should seek professional advice to confirm this. You really shouldn't be pre-occupied with what you did when you were a child. Personally, I don't even think it makes much sense to call that child "me".