Sexually assaulted my best friend (explicit, trigger)

One night 1yr ago, I was with my male partner at the time. We went out to the bar as usual on the weekend. I was telling him how I was kind of in love and sexually attracted to my best female friend. He thought he would play into that and urged me to call her to see what she was up to and that he would love to help me get to that level with her (creeper!!). I naively called her not realizing how creepy my partner was... Just stoked honestly for the free ride to go visit her not expecting anything. She seemed excited yet surprised to hear from me but said to come over. We drove the hour n half to her flat. Turns out her boyfriend wasnt home and is was just her. We had been writing to each other for years and had been friends since childhood. Near to the incident, the texts seemed to be more loving than before... I had even expressed I was attracted to women. One thing led to another as in we all kept drinking. I became BLACKOUT drunk extremely quickly. I was naked and apparently went streaking, dancing and singing in the thunderstorm that night. I was told I had forced her to get topless once they finally caught me. I honestly don't remember much.... Except when I was kissing her. I remember I reached down her leggings and tried to get her off and tried to eat her pussy through the leggings. But she had pushed me away? Idk what happened after. I woke up naked, worst headache ever and pucking. I don't know what my partner did either. All I can pray is he didn't molest or rape her either? He told me the next morning it was all in good fun and we all had a good time. I lost trust in him immediately I knew something else had gone wrong. (sometimes wonder if he drugged us?) I ditched him a week after.

She stopped talking to me 11 days later... Said what happened that night she couldn't get over. I said i understood n was sorry. At that time I had no idea what happened really. It wasn't until a few months later I was sexually molested by a man when on vacation. Afterwards trying to cope and figure out what to do... It hit me. I realized some things that had happened. I remembered bits n pieces.

She contacted me nine months later n told me she won't press charges. She told me she still believes n supports n loves me. She told me I'm still a good person and deserve the world. She said she has the strength to get through this but needs silence from me to heal. I don't think I will ever know exactly what happened that night. I feel disgusting and horrible. The flashbacks plague me daily. I can't help but reread messages looking for clues. She was my closest of friends! We shared n did everything together all our lives.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't have relationships, been very sexually confused since. If anything I've just let men molest n use me. I hate myself and feel horrid for it all. I wish I had never done that to her. I wish I could take it back. I hate that I was capable of such garbage behavior. I can't help but feel guilty and that I can classify as a molester. That's not me! I don't ever have those thoughts previous and esp not after. Just needed to tell someone... Can't even have the guts to say it to my therapist. I don't know why I'm posting this here...

Thanks for posting. What I said to junkhead also applies here. I think you do need to talk about it with your therapist tbh and face it head-on. Also, I would strongly advise you (or anyone else relating to your story) to read this following zine, 'What to Do When Someone Tells you that you violated their boundaries, made them feel uncomfortable, or committed assault':
http://www.phillyspissed.net/sites/default/files/what%20to%20do%20when%20someone%20tells%20you.pdf

Follow its instructions and stay well.

-Sprock