Need some advice/help (extremely personal and explicit)

So about a month ago like the day after thanksgiving I had the urge to uh.. you know. Anyway im browsing around looking for that good good but nothings doing it. So as a last resort I went on a image board to find some specific threads and $#%^ since they categories like you know BBW, BBC, etc etc but low and behold didn't take long to find a sus link to some CP website randomly on a thread. So for whatever ######6 reason I decided to check it out through one of those router things and sure enough it was real. But instead of stopping and being like oh $#%^ wtf am I doing, I felt that this was the sort of "thrill" i needed like yeah illegal $#%^ alright cool this is a great idea but the thing is I wasn't thinking at all. And it wasn't like full on intercourse even though yeah that $#%^ was on there to, it was just a picture. It was like some sick sexual impulse to go through with it and man its ###$ me up BAD. Because I knew that thats not who I am or what I am nor will I ever be and thats really ###$ me up since then because my brain is trying to convince me otherwise. To the point where I threw up after not throwing up for 5+ years and crying my eyes out for days on end to sleeping 12+ hours a day and not eating and just constantly thinking about how I would be perceived as a person if others knew about it besides the people im closest to. I mean yeah It could have been worse at least im not the one taking the pictures of these things or doing these horrible things but my mind is trying to put me in the same pool as these people. And whats ######6 me up more is like I said the fact that I know thats not who I am nor will it ever be and I don't know why I did it and its weird now because I can't even look at kids anymore the same way because its like haunting me the fact that I did this thing so i throws me into the whole "who or what am I" thing again. Which is annoying because I KNOW im not like that I don't look at little girls like that nor have I ever. And it sucks because about a week or so after it happened I didn't even remember it or constantly think about it but all of a sudden about a week ago it got the best of me and its been really soul crushing ever since. Shits really turned my thoughts upside down. But maybe I just need to let the people I trust and who trust me know about it as a way to figure out who I know I am instead of who im not. I feel a thought now of out of everyone I see, 9/10 people have never whacked it to a picture of a little girl and it makes my insides churn like what if all the people I look up to knew I did this. I understand that everyone makes mistakes but I feel like its all im going to be able to think about for the rest of my life and that honestly scares me more. Like everyday im going to wake up and think of this $#%^ atleast once and then it will keep coming up in my mind forever. Ive talked to a really close friend about it and my mother both of which im extremelly close to and they told me im just blaming myself and being to hard on myself and that everyone makes mistakes and to take it as a learning experience which has kind of helped me sort my thoughts out. I guess the main thing Im worried about is not being able to forget about this whole mess. Will i be able to? How do I keep it out of my head? Everytime it starts to pop into my head I try and block it out then my mind keeps reminding me of what im blocking so its like a mever ending cycle. Im trying to stay positive and this has really ###$ me up i just hope I can eventually get over it and see myself as the person I know I am and not for the person im not.

Honestly, I don't think repressing the guilt is going to help much in the long-run since you did something which you know (and I know) was wrong and you rightfully feel regret for that.

But that's just the first stage. The stage prompting self-reflection and growth. A lot of people sadly never reach that stage and just tell themselves "I did nothing wrong" and that's creating a private hell right there. Because to feel free and whatsoever at ease you need to live in truth.

So, yes, you did something very wrong. You're not a monster. You're not exactly the same as someone who committed the abuse ( in my understanding, you did not pay for the abusive material) but it is something serious that you need to make amends for.

So, start now. Go volunteer and help others. In time, you'll start to feel a little better. Meditate. It takes effort but you can do it.