I sexually assaulted one of my close friends *trigger*

I think about this almost everyday. I was blackout drunk one night and me and my friend with benefits came back to my flat. At was at this point I started to touch her in her private areas, and I didn't realise the advances were unwanted until she shoved me off of her and ran out. She was panicking and didn't know how to react and I began crying after realising what had just happened. Since then everything's been ###$. I know for a fact this has affected her mentally. It has worsened her already prevalent anxiety and our friendship went through hot and cold moments but I think it is safe to say it's officially ruined. I will never forgive myself for this. I never thought in a million years I would be capable of something so awful. And I'm sure it's only going to be a matter of time before I gave some repercussions whether it be legal or otherwise. I'm stopping drinking- although I'm not using alcohol as an excuse - and I honestly just don't know what to do to rectify this although there is nothing. She has said before that she doesn't think I'm a bad person and that she knows I would never have done this sober, but I still can't shake the feeling that I've ruined this girl who was a good friend of mine. I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve in writing this. I just needed to say to someone.

-- Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:41 am --

Can someone please reply I don't know what to do

I think, if you are able (God knows it is hard), you should respect and even be thankful for her words. She says she sees you are a good person. That suggests she sees you as redeemable. And so you are. Please try to internalise it. If she wants to take legal action I'm afraid you're also going to have to accept that - though I would not assume that is necessarily what she wants. Ask her, when you're in a space where she will feel safe, what she wants from you and want you can do to make things better, if anything. Then listen and act accordingly. We are not monsters. We're people who did something inexcusable to someone we cared about. That cannot be undone. But a healthy, respectful response going forward is, at least, a silver lining and maybe, in time, it will lead to you regaining a sense of self-respect.

Hi,
I've done the same thing. I don't know what to do about it. I was blackout drunk too. I can't help but feel sick to my stomach daily n it's been a year. I had no idea what I had done until someone sexually assaulted me when I was drunk again a few months later triggering flashbacks. I had some idea what I did to her, but I remember flashbacks of her responding well... It was a mess. It wasn't what I thought it was. It wasn't consensual. It wasn't right. I can't forgive myself. She doesn't want to press charges and forgives me. We tried to be friends again but ya know, there was the layer of vibes like hey you basically raped me and terrified me... She told me she has the strength to get past this but we can't talk or be friends ever again. That's understandable of course. I don't know how to help. But just replying to say I relate. I've tried to overcome this and tried to have relationships afterward she forgave me... But I can't. Prolly should tell my therapist but have been too ashamed to even tell her.