Struggling to cope with what I did to Brother *Trigger

Recently I have just been hit like a freight train with guilt, remorse and shame for what I did to my brother when I was 14 and he 7.
Bit of background before about me but not an excuse for my actions.. I had been hypersexualised at a young age by an older girl quite a lot; rubbing, touching etc. I then did this with friends my own age throughout my early childhood. Once the exploration with friends waned, albeit slightly, I continued to seemingly always be rubbing myself on things as this was the one motion I had learned felt good.

It was once the early teenage hormones kicked in that I became a monster.. I would rub on top of my younger brother, both clothed, and if memory serves kiss too. I knew it was so wrong but something told me it was ok as it hadn't affected me (little did I know). I think this happened on at least 3 occasions.

Now at 29 I am completely lost. My brother does seem to carry quite a few of the effects of csa; withdrawl, dissasociation.. and I am really at a loss as to how I can help. I'm trying to be the best brother I can but giving him his space too. I've had no indication that he even recalls the incidents.. so it's not my place to bring it up is it? Do I just wait until he wants to confront me?

It is absolutley killing me to see that I have caused my brother any sort of damage and I am now beginning to withdraw from everything I had known in my own life as a result. I would give up my own life to help my brother if that was an option. But I'm really not sure what to do now; losing my mind is a real possibility. Any responses to this situation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Hi bluegray,

You know the root cause of what made you do the things you described, so you are not entirely to blame as your own experience with, as you call it, the hyper-sexualisation, was a strong conditioning factor.

Add to that the fact you were 14 - an age we all experience strong and often complex sexual urges. You were too young to confront these urges in a fully conscious way and therefore acted out unconsciously based on the aforementioned conditioning.

So firstly, I would have some compassion towards the 14 year old "you" who did these things, based on your knowledge of what caused them.

That compassion also carries over into the compassion you clearly have for your brother. You are already doing the best you can to support your brother.

What I would also ask yourself is "could I have done differently at the time, given my brain state and circumstances?". I don't believe in fate, but I do believe (on good evidence) that the decisions we make in every moment are intrinsically linked to our prior experiences, genetics and other conditioning factors of which we are not fully aware.

So if you can accept that your actions were an inevitable part of an unbroken chain or domino effect, then you can at least let go of the "I could have avoided this" rumination. No matter how many times we could put that 14 year old child in the same situation, with exactly the same genetics and life experiences leading to that moment, there's no reason to believe they would not have done exactly the same every time.

It will also condition your present and future behaviour. From your words, I can see that you are now fully aware of what happened and this awareness has opened up productive options in terms of how you can support your brother.

While the past brought you to this moment, the past is not where your current potential lies. So focus on the relationship you have with your brother NOW and continue on that basis.

In summary:

1) Have compassion for the 14 year old child who did these things, because s/he likely couldn't have done any different, given the circumstances.

2) Use your awareness of what happened to fuel productive solutions in the present.

Hi epiphany,

Thank you so much for the well written response, you have helped lift some of the dark clouds from my head and for that I am truly thankful.
I understand what you mean by the domino effect and it does feel in a weird way that I was destined to suffer and cause these pains. I am working as best I can to resolve them though.. however to my brother it may not look that way, as I have avoided the issue with him directly. Should I just continue to wait until he approaches me, if he ever does?

Thanks again
(Oh and I had to set up a new account in case you were wondering.. password issues)

It's really positive that you are working to resolve the issue. Remorse is a good thing because of that, so you should embrace it.

You could be waiting for years for him to approach you. He likely may never do it. So I wouldn't worry about that. Just continue to be there for him, to support him as best as you can. If he does approach you about that specific issue, be open to his concerns and pledge your support for him.

Don't feel like it's a waiting game. You can do things NOW that really impact his life in a positive way. Make it so. He will inevitably see the bigger picture of your positive presence in his life, and these fragments of the past will become just a fraction of what constitutes your relationship with him.

Thank you for the response. I am really struggling with depression currently about this issue. I have a dilemma however, I am supposed to be leaving home in two weeks and might be gone for almost a year. I am currently staying in my family home along with my brother.. and I am reminded daily of the effects my actions have had. Should I try and do something before leaving?

I feel so guilty about leaving also.. but I know deep down me staying because of that guilt is not going to help either of us. I know there is no perfect answer as every situation is different. But is there anyway to approach such a situation?

Again I appreciate greatly any responses. Thank you.

Thanks for the response epiphany, your words are again very much helpful. I am currently in a bit of a dilemma though. I am back living in my family home along with my brother. It is hard to know how to act or say but I am continuing to wait for him to approach me about anything in the past as I know it is not my place to ignite unwanted memories.

I am however leaving in just under two weeks and may be away for a year, I feel so guilty about this but understand it is not in either of our interests for me to just hang around too much longer. Is there anything I should do before leaving though to help him? I ask for anyones opinion on this as it is currently tearing me up inside.

Thank you

-- Wed Jan 25, 2017 9:42 pm --

Sorry for the double post.. first one didn't post until I did the second one

Hi again bluegrayy,

You're right, it's in nobody's interest for you to just hang around waiting for some kind of event to occur that will draw a line under everything. We rarely get the true closure we want in life. Your brother is likely not thinking about it, nor would he want anything to hold you back, certainly not on the basis of some childhood mishaps.

Nobody can stop you from feeling guilty, whether that guilt is justified or not (for the record, I don't think it is). But it's time to ask yourself what purpose this guilt truly serves now. It's time to look at guilt in utilitarian terms.

Humans have a hard enough time letting go of useless material possessions, let alone useless thoughts! So I understand how difficult it is to "just let go". No amount of people telling you THEY wouldn't feel prolonged guilt about such a childhood event will make YOU feel differently. You don't control what thoughts pop up, after all.

But I'm confident that you won't have to do any letting go anyway. Eventually, as your life unfolds and a greater perspective of your life, and your relationship with your brother comes into view, the past will become more fragmented, more convoluted and, as a result, it will become less meaningful to pick on and regret specific parts of it, especially childhood transgressions.

So, while I'm not going to presume you can just let the guilt slide in this moment, I can say with confidence that you won't always feel like this. No matter how much it feels like this is your brain state for the rest of your life, it's not. It's constantly changing. New life experiences will create new connections and DISconnections.

As long as you can say your relationship with your brother is stronger because of what happened (and you can make this true if you want to), then there's no need to regret anything. But that doesn't mean putting your life on hold waiting for closure. You have to create it yourself by opening new chapters in your life.

If you think that sounds selfish, then I would ask you what is the true purpose of you wanting closure right now? For your brother to say "it's OK". That too is a form of selfishness. You want to feel better about yourself by knowing your brother is not affected, and that's completely understandable.

But your life is just as important. Read that again. There is nothing more for you to do on this matter. The guilt has already served its purpose. It's time to move on, for the sake of yourself, for the sake of your brother (who won't want you to feel held back because then he'd feel bad) and for everyone who cares about you.

Hi Epiphany, thank you so much for your words, you really are a massive help and I appreciate from the bottom of my heart you taking the time to write.

I understand that my guilt possibly should fade as I try to use it constructively to improve my relationship with my brother.. but I'm still hurting and depressed daily. If I feel I have ruined a life my brother could have otherwise lived because of my actions, how can I live with myself?

sorry my post was very long, I felt like I was taking over your post so I started a seperate post, epiphany has some amazing advice I have also read, good luck.