Feeling Very Bad and Experiencing Strong Self-Loathing

I am a male. When I was around 14 or so I used to play with my younger sister (who is about six years younger) than me by pulling her onto my lap and tickling her, which gave me a kind of stimulation. I would often tickle her in between her legs and occasionally it happened where I'd kind of tickle her underneath her shirt.

Sometimes she was wearing a nightgown so tickling her in between her legs meant that she only had underwear on. Once her sitting on my lap made me ejaculate in my pants, though I did not mean to or intend to (and I hated the fact that I did). I absolutely hate that any of this happened and I hate myself for having done any of this. Even back when this stuff happened, I never masturbated to the thought of my sister or anything (I disliked the thought of that even back then); the stuff that happened was purely for stimulation and I wasn't into her.

Furthermore, I never would've done anything at all to her that felt like abuse; I wouldn't have wanted to harm her in any way or do stuff that was abuse. The more time that passes, however, the more I hate the fact that this stuff ever happened (I'm 17 now). Back when this stuff happened, I guess I felt like it was fine because I was just doing a relatively normal thing (tickling) and getting something weird from it, but the older I get the more disgusted I get from the fact that something I ever did any of this.

I could never imagine doing something like this now and the thought of it is disgusting, so I guess it's safe to say that I've matured, but I still hate everything about the fact that this stuff happened. Thinking about this having happened feels almost unreal, so maybe that's also a sign that I know that I'm way past it? Is this type of stuff normal? I've heard that a lot of people do weird sexual things as kids, but I'm hesitant to believe that they are as weird or bad as what I did. I just want to be able to believe that I'm not a disgusting pervert and that I'm a normal person, but I don't know if that's true.

Fortunately I do not believe that your sister would have experienced your actions as violatory or abusive... I certainly think they were inappropriate but since you were just tickling her, I can understand how you justified the behaviour to yourself at the time. You can't control your body's response to things, after all (or at least, not without meditation). You were a child yourself after all.

That said, once you realised the response the tickling was producing in you, you should have stopped. You know this. I think it is deeply regrettable that you didn't, but not monstrously bad. Let us keep perspective on this. You should feel regret, yes, but since you have greatly changed since then, I do not believe you deserve to feel the self-loathing you are currently feeling. What is more, you are almost an adult now so maybe when you turn 18 you can put some kind of a line between your "child self" and your "adult self". The fact is, you're not a disgusting pervert. You were a slightly mixed up kid who is growing up to be a self-reflective and accountable/ responsible adult. That's a good thing and a clear sign you're nowhere near as bad as you currently think you are.

sprock wrote:Fortunately I do not believe that your sister would have experienced your actions as violatory or abusive... I certainly think they were inappropriate but since you were just tickling her, I can understand how you justified the behaviour to yourself at the time. You can't control your body's response to things, after all (or at least, not without meditation). You were a child yourself after all.

That said, once you realised the response the tickling was producing in you, you should have stopped. You know this. I think it is deeply regrettable that you didn't, but not monstrously bad. Let us keep perspective on this. You should feel regret, yes, but since you have greatly changed since then, I do not believe you deserve to feel the self-loathing you are currently feeling. What is more, you are almost an adult now so maybe when you turn 18 you can put some kind of a line between your "child self" and your "adult self". The fact is, you're not a disgusting pervert. You were a slightly mixed up kid who is growing up to be a self-reflective and accountable/ responsible adult. That's a good thing and a clear sign you're nowhere near as bad as you currently think you are.

Hi, thanks for your response. I know that me posting a response to what you said is incredibly late at this point, but hopefully you or someone will still take the time to respond. Your originally response helped me and I helped myself get past this in some ways, but I still dwell on it from time to time. I didn't feel like I had much to say at first, but there are a few things that I feel like are necessary now.

The first thing is that, if it wasn't expected as the reason, I remember that the reason that I tickled her underneath her shirt was to reach up towards her breast area (and I feel really bad about having not been clear enough in my original post, especially because I'm worried that it might've changed your response). While I know I was sure to stick to tickling and never would've done anything explicitly sexual like feeling her up, I might've still touched that area through the tickling (I'm honestly not really sure). Perhaps this makes it molestation? This is a question that I'm super scared to ask because I'm not sure that I want to hear the answer. I don't know, either way, I guess the semantics might not really matter; regardless of what term is used, I know that I did bad stuff.

At this point, I'm better at realizing how I was just a kid at the time, but I still sometimes feel like I've betrayed my family and loved ones and that I don't deserve them. I'm in college, doing really well, and everyone talks about how I'm so smart and such, but I feel at times like I don't deserve any of their praise because I'm not worthy of it. Even though kids do weird things, I can't help but feel like I should've known better.

One other thing is that while I can often see these mistakes as just a part of my childhood, I often see them as something that has consumed my childhood. So, even though I can usually separate my life now from when I was younger, I often have a hard time not seeing my childhood as having been ruined by this. I kind of feel like I ruined my whole childhood and I have a really hard time seeing myself as having had a normal one.

My reply really would have remained the same. I think it's absolutely okay for you to see your adult self in collage as different to your pre-18 childhood self. Children do engage in weird behaviour and I do not believe you acted in malevolence or in a way that your sister would have experienced as violatory. As said before, a certain amount of regret is understandable and healthy. Try to sit with those feelings without going to the extreme that you are a monster or unworthy of happiness. Because these things aren't true.

"Even though kids do weird things, I can't help but feel like I should've known better."

Your sentence here suggests to be that you recognise that you would talk to and regard any other person who did this as a kid less harshly than you do yourself. I totally understand that feeling, but also recognise it is rooted in egocentricity. You're just another human, flawed as the rest of us To repeat, you didn't do anything monstrous and your childhood was made up of many, many, many moments and acts. Yes, these behaviours were a part of your childhood, but they do not taint you forever. Try as hard as you can to not think in such absolutes. This is also vitally important when childhood sins, pepetrations or even criminal behaviours are thought about. It is important to root our morality about this in the fact that children's brains are not yet fully developed

sprock wrote:My reply really would have remained the same. I think it's absolutely okay for you to see your adult self in collage as different to your pre-18 childhood self. Children do engage in weird behaviour and I do not believe you acted in malevolence or in a way that your sister would have experienced as violatory. As said before, a certain amount of regret is understandable and healthy. Try to sit with those feelings without going to the extreme that you are a monster or unworthy of happiness. Because these things aren't true.

"Even though kids do weird things, I can't help but feel like I should've known better."

Your sentence here suggests to be that you recognise that you would talk to and regard any other person who did this as a kid less harshly than you do yourself. I totally understand that feeling, but also recognise it is rooted in egocentricity. You're just another human, flawed as the rest of us To repeat, you didn't do anything monstrous and your childhood was made up of many, many, many moments and acts. Yes, these behaviours were a part of your childhood, but they do not taint you forever. Try as hard as you can to not think in such absolutes. This is also vitally important when childhood sins, pepetrations or even criminal behaviours are thought about. It is important to root our morality about this in the fact that children's brains are not yet fully developed

Thank you for your response; it's helpful.

Yeah, I definitely would regard someone differently and in a very understanding way, but it's a lot harder to do so for myself.

One thing that I feel like I have to mention is that you didn't respond to my question/worry about it having been molestation. Maybe you just don't really use the term when talking about stuff like this and you were addressing this worry of mine when you said that you don't think I acted malevolently or in a way that she'd find violatory. I can't help, however, worrying that you didn't explicitly respond to this because you feel like it's better for me to not hear the truth, being that it is what I did. I feel bad mentioning this because I don't want to seem ungreatful after you've taken your time to help out, but I know that this will stick around as a worry of mine if I say nothing. Hopefully you understand.

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NewUser10 wrote:One thing that I feel like I have to mention is that you didn't respond to my question/worry about it having been molestation. Maybe you just don't really use the term when talking about stuff like this and you were addressing this worry of mine when you said that you don't think I acted malevolently or in a way that she'd find violatory. I can't help, however, worrying that you didn't explicitly respond to this because you feel like it's better for me to not hear the truth, being that it is what I did. I feel bad mentioning this because I don't want to seem ungreatful after you've taken your time to help out, but I know that this will stick around as a worry of mine if I say nothing. Hopefully you understand.

If I'm honest I don't think it's my call to make. I think it was wrong/ inappropriate, but I also think you were a child and that we shouldn't judge children in the same way we do adults. Molestation to me implies a greater degree of contact/ violation but different states/ countries would define it in different ways. Do I think you crossed a line? Yes. Do I think it wholly defines who are you now? No.

It might be useful for you however to discuss these things in therapy - not because I personally consider you a risk (I don't) but to help you work through these issues