Did I abuse my sister?

TRIGGER WARNINGS: incest, sexual abuse, sexual compulsive behavior

I have some history of posting here, look my other posts up if you want the full story, but this I have never told anyone. To add the context: I was abused by an elder counsin (about 16yo) when I was about 8yo. The abused happened more than once and I don't know if that was real or not, but one time I believe a friend of his and my brother's participated as well (go to the next paragraph if you want to skip the rest of my own self abuse later). My family never found out about anything and eventually, God be thanked, my cousin died and it ended much of my torment (about 2 years ago, I am now 22). Still, for my entire sex life, I have had weird behaviors such as showing myself via webcam for strangers at the age of 14yo. That eventually became a compulsion, which later turned into a compulsion for actual sex with strangers - basically, a lot of self destructive behavior who gave me no pleasure.

The thing is, and I've never told this to anyone, not even to my psychotherapist, I remember that one time, when I was 12yo, I masturbated in front of my sister, who is 7 years younger than me (so she was 5yo). She kept acting like nothing was happening even though I was there exposing myself. I think that is my first memory of compulsive behavior (knowing what I'm doing is terrible but still not being able to refrain from it) and my only one of abusing someone else. I'm not really sure whether it was abuse since I was also a child, but I feel really guilty anyway.

My sister has always (since well before that incident) had hypersexual behavior (very early excessive masturbation) and despite her atitude of ignoring me at that specific incident she has always been really curious about my and my brothers' bodies. She is adopted and her biological family was abusive. I suspect that she was also sexually abused, even though she never told me anything. I even suspect that my cousin has abused her as well. Nowadays she is 15 and appears to take pleasure in being a sexual object for the boys at her school - she weirdly tells the family about what the boys say to her - very gross and indelicate things, such as the thing men yell at women on the street - and appears to be really happy about their behavior. I really worry that I might have contributed to her positioning herself as an object of abuse for men. The last thing I want is for her to end up like I did. It is the one last thing about my past and my abuse history that still feels like a huge weight for me - even though I am obviously still very f***ed up because of all the things that happened to me.

I don't think the matter is as black and white of "did I or did I not abuse her".

For sure, what you did was not beneficial, but it doesn't seem like chronic maltreatment.

It was obviously inappropriate/ wrong, but you have been far, far, far more of a victim than perp... I think it's an uncomfortable fact that many people guilty of a sexual transgression or even crime, especially as a child, have been victimised themselves... having one's own boundaries disrespected or violated as a young age can definitely mess up one's own sense of boundaries unless one becomes a self-aware and compassion human, which generally happens with age.

So you should speak to yourself as you would any other 12-year-old kid who did the same. Yes, you'd tell them what they did was wrong, but you wouldn't want them to feel self-loathing, nor would you want them severely punished. In fact, I suspect you'd feel a lot of compassion for that kid if they'd gone through what you had to go through.

I don't know if it would be a good idea or not to talk to your sister about whether she'd ever had someone mistreat her, but I doubt her current behaviour comes from what you did. I'm sure you can be there as a supportive older sibling for her.

Thanks, the 2 of you. In regard to my 12yo me, I wouldn't even know what I would say. My memories from then are very rare and I can only remember being really lost and having a strong anxiety (which I only know recognise as such) I didn't know what to do with. I believe most of my time was spent thinking about unreal situations. Even regarding my sexuality, I remember only a strong sense of guilt (even before doing what i did to my sister) and a lack of meaning related to pleasure. I would probably not be so hard on myself, indeed. Oh, the years I've spent being lost. If I only knew there was more to life than that...

As for now, I can't really speak to my sister about it. None of us have the structure to endure such a conversation. I hope she will be able to be happy someday.