Remorse over one-off animal cruelty *TW*

I'm about to describe something which I did when I was probably only 4 or 5, but it's terribly out of character and to this day I don't know why I did it. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, PTSD, anxiety & depression, but I'm a gentle soul who wouldn't hurt a fly - normally.

One afternoon, for absolutely no reason at all, I picked up our cat, Lily, by the ears and lifted her into the air. I can still see it now. I still feel terrible about it - I love animals and always have done. My Mum saw me, and was really angry - she shut me in my bedroom with just bread & water for the rest of the day. I can't remember if she physically punished me. Mum could be a pretty tough disciplinarian - my father was away all the time and when he was around he spoiled me rotten - I guess she felt she had to discipline for two!

I'd just like to reassure people that the cat was fine with no lasting ill-effects. I doubt my mother even remembers it! But every so often I remember what I did, and still feel awful about it. I suppose I should forgive "little me" and move on. I guess we all do things we regret!

I guess this may be seen as silly - I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Don't worry. We all make such mistakes and endanger the lives of innocent creatures. But we must be happy that we feel remorse and are sure never to do it again. At least your cat survived. I have committed bigger acts than you have.
When I was a tiny fellow I was playing with a lens in sunlight burning papers. A string of large black ants came that way. I wondered what would happen if I focused my lens on them. They burnt of course and I have felt remorse for that.
When in my teens, I got irritated with my cat and through it in the air. There was a clothes line in the path of her fall. Luckily she narrowly missed hitting it. She landed on her feet and I hugged her, vowing never to do such rash acts.
The worst happened when I was feeding my three kitten. You know how they come in the way while we walk. I was looking at the bowl while walking and a kitten got stamped under my foot. Its chest was partially crushed. The poor thing died the next day.
A stray dog had abandoned its day old pup. I found it from its cries and decided to feed it myself with cow milk from an injection syringe. I think it could not digest the milk. It became unconscious. I didn't want it to regain consciousness and die of starvation. I decided to kill it by drowning before it regained consciousness. I held it submerged in a bucket of water. It struggled to breathe in its unconscious condition and died.
I had two pets- a pigeon and a cat. I made the mistake of keeping a window open one night. The next night I found feathers all over the place.
Then one day a bird flew into my room. The ceiling fan was on. I should have turned it off and shooed the bird out. But I was busy and it was hot. I thought the bird would have the sense to know the fan was turning. But no. The inevitable happened. Its mate kept calling outside for a long time.
Our lawn grass was infested by termites. We called a pesticide sprayer. He sprayed monocrotophos. Next morning I found my three kittens dead from the smell and their mother looking sadly at their bodies.

It does not sound like your cat at the time was traumatised and you seem like a very good and earnest person. Plus, you were a really little kid. It was just foolishness not to be worried about!

Thanks for your kind replies, sprock and helloagain! I am not alone, it seems! I think that small children can be thoughtlessly cruel because they aren't yet capable of predicting the consequences of their actions and haven't yet developed empathy. But most learn as they get older. I guess the important thing is we aren't hurting animals now and won't again. I can be very, very hard on myself - maybe I ought to cut myself some slack, but it's easier said than done!