Feeling a vast amount of horror

Thanks to anyone whom is reading this.

this isn't my first time on this forum. I have posted once before. This would be my second topic. The story i am sharing is unrelated to my first posting.

i just feel so much shame at my behavior.

i have a drinking problem; but the first time I blacked out was a few years. This was in fact in december 2012. This was the first time I realized I had problems.

Just to explain, to give some background knowledge I am an Asian from south-east asia. In my country, there was what are called lup sup KTVs.

I am not sure if there is any similar thing in the western world, but they are like champagne rooms, except that instead of a strip club, the entire club consists of private rooms.

Now, different KTVs had different rules; I was recently introduced due to the commercial sex scene by close friends. Inside KTV rooms, anything can go,including heavy petting - and more, depending on the arrangement between the hostess and you. The hostesses work on a "butterfly" system, meaning they come and go between different rooms as they please; sometimes, there is a mamasan, but for clubs that don't have a mamasan, the hostess are there purely as a freelancer. Groping is optional, depending on how much the hostess is agreeable and how strict the place is. Management has nothing to do with the hostess.

I was rather clueless and inexperienced at that time.

I am explaining all this just to give some background.

I was at a friend's birthday when they suggested going to a KTV club. So we went in there at around 10 pm and sat in. A hostess came in and introduced herself and asked if she could sit with me. I said okay.

So she sat down with me. I asked her what the rules were and I remembered distinctly that she said that it was okay for me to "touch " her but not vice versa. So we had fun chatting and i started drinking heavily.

The next thing I knew, i was at home waking up in my own bed in my clotes from last night at late morning. I only have a dim memory of lying on the room sofa with the girl sponging my face with a warm towel. I also have a dim memory of lying on the void deck of my block.

Over the next few days, through calling up my friends, I learnt that i did not collapsed but was really drunk, but barely awake throughout the night.

i did more research and I realized that what I had was a "blackout".

It was absolutely terrifying for me. According to my friends, we left the KTV at 2 am, but I had zero memory from 10 pm to 2 am onwards.

I quickly asked my friends what happened (there were 4 of them, but 1 left early).

They said i was really rough with the hostess; I was really squeezing her bosom very hard and kept sucking her neck. They said the hostess was very afraid, kept complaining and wanted to leave.

But my friend, the one whom later left early, paid her money to continue staying. My friend and the rest of the guys verified that she continued staying, though she was really scared.

Later after this friend left, it just continued. According to my friends, At one point, i collapsed on the sofa and the girl took a wet towel to sponge my face.

After that, I paid the girl again and the remaining 3 friends somehow lifted me out of the room, out of the club and into a taxi. After that, they went their separate ways.

One thing I knew for sure from questioning all my friends separately was that i was really rough with the girl but she continued staying.

what worries me is the responses my friends said. One of them even said that i tried to "rape" the girl. I didn't know how serious he meant by that comment, because he is capable of ex-aggregating stuff I only knew that the hostess was free to leave at any time but she stayed throughout the entire session, and that i wasn't alone, there was at least 4 other guys and other hostesses around.

In fact, based on questioning my friends, even though I lost my memory, I am only sure of the following things:

1) The hostess continued staying with me despite wanting to leave early on due to my friend paying her extra at first; I paid her again later before she left the club
2) there were at least 4 other people on the room and all agreed that I was really doing rough groping with the hostess and a lot of sucking the skin on her neck but nothing more than that
3) the hostess was visibly afraid of me
4) The hostess left the club before we did
5) all the friends agreed that they threw me in a taxi (from there, somehow, I reached home)
6) I stayed in the room throughout the entire session and went nowhere else.

I was very upset to heard from my behaviour, especially the rough part. Thank god my friends were around, god knows what i would have done if my friends weren't around.

But i do feel shameful that I could have done something like this. What really bothered me was my friend's assertion (see above).

Assuming that nothing went further than that, in a way, it still felt like I hurt the girl, or even worse, tried to force myself on her, even though nothing happened (my way of consoling myself). hearing my friends' accounts, it felt like attempted rape at worst.

It made me feel like I went overboard that night and there is a monster hiding inside me.

It definitely sounds like you crossed a line and should feel appropriate regret over that. Your behaviour was inexcusable. It was also tied in to your drinking. The best thing you can do now is to ensure that you have absolute control over your drinking (is there an equivalent to Alcoholics Anonymous in Asia) and that you no longer pay for sex or put yourself into the kind of environment where you might act badly again.

I don't think you are a monster, but it is clear you have very bad boundary control when drunk.

Best,
Sprock

Alcohol clearly brings out the monster in a lot of people. This incident is probably the clearest warning sign yet that you need to take control of your drinking.

Imagine if you didn't feel remorse to the degree that you felt the need to post on here. If you can honestly say you would rather feel regret over this than not (this is the true test), then this alone should make you more accepting of the painful feelings. Without that initial pain of realisation and awareness, there is no remorse and no progress.

You lost control and were basically behaving unconsciously. Now that you're starkly aware of what happened, and what caused it, you can move forward with purpose (mainly, additional effort to control your drinking).

There is nothing stopping you from making this a positive turning point in your life, even if it doesn't seem that way right now.

As others have said I would ensure I quit the alcohol, never place myself in this type of "KTV" place again and me personally, I would go in search of her to find out what really happened that night and apologize to her for it. I think that would clear the air for her & myself.

sprock wrote:It definitely sounds like you crossed a line and should feel appropriate regret over that. Your behaviour was inexcusable. It was also tied in to your drinking. The best thing you can do now is to ensure that you have absolute control over your drinking (is there an equivalent to Alcoholics Anonymous in Asia) and that you no longer pay for sex or put yourself into the kind of environment where you might act badly again.

I don't think you are a monster, but it is clear you have very bad boundary control when drunk.

Best,
Sprock

Thank you.

All this happened in December 2012, nearly 4 years back.

The incident scared me greatly and i went to seek help. Unfortunately, 2 years ago, i had a relapse and another experience but I went back to clear things up with the hostess and it was fine.

But I am now attending AA (but not as frequently as I like). But I am still consumed by guilt over this.

Even though it was a area of commercial sex, and the hostess was free to leave any time (I am not making excuses for myself), I still feed bad about the way I treated her.

Even though she was there of her own accord, and according to my friends' accounts, she stayed on for the entire session because of an early payment by my friend, I still feel it does not excuse my behaviour (the rough groping and sucking), even though groping is depending on how much the hostess is okay with it; and every now and then, when i think of it, I feel very ashamed.

I am extremely thankful that I have 4 friends there and it didn't went further than just rough groping and sucking of the neck. But I still feel a lot of remorse and horror.

I feel confused because it is such a grey area; the KTV was definitely a place where commercial sex transactions took place and the hostess was free to come and go as she pleases, so it couldn't have been forced but i still have this fear that what I did was immoral, and for some reason, I have this unusual dread that at some time in the future, i would be hauled away in handcuffs. That doesn't make sense.

Because of this, I feel like i don't deserve to be with anyone. Even if i get married at some point in the future, i would have no idea how to share something like this with any future partner.

I now realize that at that time, the best thing I could have done is gone back and clear things up with the hostess and apologize, but it was 4 years ago, when i went back there just a year ago, I couldn't find her.