Thanks to anyone whom is reading this.
this isn't my first time on this forum. I have posted once before. This would be my second topic. The story i am sharing is unrelated to my first posting.
i just feel so much shame at my behavior.
i have a drinking problem; but the first time I blacked out was a few years. This was in fact in december 2012. This was the first time I realized I had problems.
Just to explain, to give some background knowledge I am an Asian from south-east asia. In my country, there was what are called lup sup KTVs.
I am not sure if there is any similar thing in the western world, but they are like champagne rooms, except that instead of a strip club, the entire club consists of private rooms.
Now, different KTVs had different rules; I was recently introduced due to the commercial sex scene by close friends. Inside KTV rooms, anything can go,including heavy petting - and more, depending on the arrangement between the hostess and you. The hostesses work on a "butterfly" system, meaning they come and go between different rooms as they please; sometimes, there is a mamasan, but for clubs that don't have a mamasan, the hostess are there purely as a freelancer. Groping is optional, depending on how much the hostess is agreeable and how strict the place is. Management has nothing to do with the hostess.
I was rather clueless and inexperienced at that time.
I am explaining all this just to give some background.
I was at a friend's birthday when they suggested going to a KTV club. So we went in there at around 10 pm and sat in. A hostess came in and introduced herself and asked if she could sit with me. I said okay.
So she sat down with me. I asked her what the rules were and I remembered distinctly that she said that it was okay for me to "touch " her but not vice versa. So we had fun chatting and i started drinking heavily.
The next thing I knew, i was at home waking up in my own bed in my clotes from last night at late morning. I only have a dim memory of lying on the room sofa with the girl sponging my face with a warm towel. I also have a dim memory of lying on the void deck of my block.
Over the next few days, through calling up my friends, I learnt that i did not collapsed but was really drunk, but barely awake throughout the night.
i did more research and I realized that what I had was a "blackout".
It was absolutely terrifying for me. According to my friends, we left the KTV at 2 am, but I had zero memory from 10 pm to 2 am onwards.
I quickly asked my friends what happened (there were 4 of them, but 1 left early).
They said i was really rough with the hostess; I was really squeezing her bosom very hard and kept sucking her neck. They said the hostess was very afraid, kept complaining and wanted to leave.
But my friend, the one whom later left early, paid her money to continue staying. My friend and the rest of the guys verified that she continued staying, though she was really scared.
Later after this friend left, it just continued. According to my friends, At one point, i collapsed on the sofa and the girl took a wet towel to sponge my face.
After that, I paid the girl again and the remaining 3 friends somehow lifted me out of the room, out of the club and into a taxi. After that, they went their separate ways.
One thing I knew for sure from questioning all my friends separately was that i was really rough with the girl but she continued staying.
what worries me is the responses my friends said. One of them even said that i tried to "rape" the girl. I didn't know how serious he meant by that comment, because he is capable of ex-aggregating stuff I only knew that the hostess was free to leave at any time but she stayed throughout the entire session, and that i wasn't alone, there was at least 4 other guys and other hostesses around.
In fact, based on questioning my friends, even though I lost my memory, I am only sure of the following things:
1) The hostess continued staying with me despite wanting to leave early on due to my friend paying her extra at first; I paid her again later before she left the club
2) there were at least 4 other people on the room and all agreed that I was really doing rough groping with the hostess and a lot of sucking the skin on her neck but nothing more than that
3) the hostess was visibly afraid of me
4) The hostess left the club before we did
5) all the friends agreed that they threw me in a taxi (from there, somehow, I reached home)
6) I stayed in the room throughout the entire session and went nowhere else.
I was very upset to heard from my behaviour, especially the rough part. Thank god my friends were around, god knows what i would have done if my friends weren't around.
But i do feel shameful that I could have done something like this. What really bothered me was my friend's assertion (see above).
Assuming that nothing went further than that, in a way, it still felt like I hurt the girl, or even worse, tried to force myself on her, even though nothing happened (my way of consoling myself). hearing my friends' accounts, it felt like attempted rape at worst.
It made me feel like I went overboard that night and there is a monster hiding inside me.