How can I live with myself?

I know it's ###$ up, but since I was a teenager I've been sexually attracted to my aunt. I used to masturbate to the thought of it. A few years ago I was at a party where she also was. By the end of the night pretty wasted we ended up in the same room. My aunt being wasted too fell asleep immediately, I didn't. I was horny and for some reason I don't know my judgement just wasn't there. I don't know what I was hoping to get out of it, but I was closing in to take a look at my sleeping aunt's body. I did not touch her, but was about to move the blanket but stopped the motion just before thinking "I can't do this" I went to the bathroom and shamefully jerked off before I went to sleep. The day after I woke up with the worst hangover anxiety and self-hatred ever.

This was a few years back and I have been able to put it in the past for a while sometimes, but every now and then it comes back to haunt me. Hating myself for doing what I did, disgusted by it. I just don't know how I can move on and try to live a normal, happy life. I feel I don't deserve it knowing I did what I did. Some day I wish I will find a girlfriend that I could share my life with, but I can't knowing I have done what I have done. I'm a bad person and I should not impose myself onto others. They deserve better. I feel like I have to stay alone for the rest of my life to redeem myself. I try to think of ways to make my life worth living finding some other interest I could devote my life to. But it breaks me, cos I really want a partner. How can I live with myself, being happy in a relationship with my past? I'm not good enough for that. This is something I have to keep for myself for life, and it can't ever be justified. How can I move on from that and still try to enjoy life, possibly with a partner. I don't deserve that. I only see two options, focusing my efforts on gaining knowledge living like a hermit (living with the shame, trying to make the best of it) or kill myself. I don't know what to do, and I can't get it off my mind. What do you reckon?

Gaining knowledge. Listen to the lessons of Buddhism not Catholicism and know that as you banish ignorance you move a tiny step forward on the never ending road to redemption. Try to believe in change and not in binaries.

Also, the fact is, you did not hurt anyone. You did not abuse. You did not rape. You absolutely deserve happiness and peace.

I just don't know. I have done what I have. I just don't know how I can continue and move on knowing that. Pretend to be normal when obviously I am not. I won't ever do such a thing again, but still it is something I have done. I just peeked for a few seconds, but even that is just creepy. I'm a creep. I feel I have to deny myself relationships and like that is the only way to redemption, if not kill myself. I don't deserve a girlfriend having done what I have done. This is depressing to me, because I think I one day would want a girlfriend. I'm trying to find motivation to live life alone, find some interest I could spend my time on, possibly productive. But that seems somewhat meaningless to me.

fmlforlife wrote:I did not touch her, but was about to move the blanket but stopped the motion just before thinking "I can't do this" I went to the bathroom and shamefully jerked off before I went to sleep.

This is important. you havent hurt anyone. so it's all right. you havent done some major damage to anyone. not even minor damage.

when i was a child an older girl tried to kiss me. i dont think of it at all and i'm not hurt by it.

the fact that you feel remorse says a lot. so forgive yourself for the past and let it go... like forgive yourself.