I know it's ###$ up, but since I was a teenager I've been sexually attracted to my aunt. I used to masturbate to the thought of it. A few years ago I was at a party where she also was. By the end of the night pretty wasted we ended up in the same room. My aunt being wasted too fell asleep immediately, I didn't. I was horny and for some reason I don't know my judgement just wasn't there. I don't know what I was hoping to get out of it, but I was closing in to take a look at my sleeping aunt's body. I did not touch her, but was about to move the blanket but stopped the motion just before thinking "I can't do this" I went to the bathroom and shamefully jerked off before I went to sleep. The day after I woke up with the worst hangover anxiety and self-hatred ever.
This was a few years back and I have been able to put it in the past for a while sometimes, but every now and then it comes back to haunt me. Hating myself for doing what I did, disgusted by it. I just don't know how I can move on and try to live a normal, happy life. I feel I don't deserve it knowing I did what I did. Some day I wish I will find a girlfriend that I could share my life with, but I can't knowing I have done what I have done. I'm a bad person and I should not impose myself onto others. They deserve better. I feel like I have to stay alone for the rest of my life to redeem myself. I try to think of ways to make my life worth living finding some other interest I could devote my life to. But it breaks me, cos I really want a partner. How can I live with myself, being happy in a relationship with my past? I'm not good enough for that. This is something I have to keep for myself for life, and it can't ever be justified. How can I move on from that and still try to enjoy life, possibly with a partner. I don't deserve that. I only see two options, focusing my efforts on gaining knowledge living like a hermit (living with the shame, trying to make the best of it) or kill myself. I don't know what to do, and I can't get it off my mind. What do you reckon?