did something awful, feel like a disgusting person

a month before i turned 18, my younger brothers, my parents, and i were all in the family van on a roadtrip, driving straight through the night, and i masturbated in the backseat. i zipped myself up in my sleeping bag so my 12 year old brother couldn't see me (he was maybe five feet away, and i knew he was awake, and i thought the younger ones, way up in the front, were asleep, though i later learned they weren't), pretended that was the same as being in another room, and kept quiet. i knew it was wrong, but i did it anyway--i figured it was gross and inappropriate, but fine as long as he didn't find out.

i felt alarmed and disgusted with myself the next morning, when i learned all of my brothers had been awake (though no one knew what i'd done), and i've felt ashamed of it every time i've thought of it since, but i didn't realize exactly how awful it was until a couple months ago, when i learned that masturbating in the presence of a child constitutes sexual abuse.

i've been sexually abused myself (though i was too young to remember it), so the knowledge is horrifying. it's the one thing i've always been afraid of, becoming like the people who hurt me, and to find out that, on some level, i already am--it's completely repulsive. i know i'm not the same as them--i'd kill myself before i laid hands on a kid, and i wasn't thinking of my siblings when i touched myself--but the fact remains what i did counts as sexual abuse, and there's no getting around it.

i hate myself for it, i want to zap the memory out of my brain, or at least the knowledge of how awful it is. it feels like a stain i'll have to live with for the rest of my life, and i just want it gone. i keep trying to rationalize it, and pretend it's not completely disgusting, but it is--i know if anyone ELSE did that around my siblings i'd be pissed, and even at my most forgiving would be super uncomfortable, and wouldn't fully trust them around them after that, and there's no reason it should be any different for me, so.

i can't manage more than a day or so without dwelling on it and beating myself up for it, and i wish i could just stop thinking about it but i can't. i wish i'd had the sense to wait until i was alone, but i didn't and now i have to live w/the guilt for the rest of my life, and the sheer prospect of that is awful

Welcome! Masturbating in a sleeping bag as you had isn't sexual abuse. How can we help?

This is not sexual abuse as you were trying to hide from them and convinced yourself that they were asleep so you could do it. It's not sexual abuse but if there's any deception in your thoughts then the deception might be whats harming you more than anything. Like for instance, if you knew they were awake or had doubts in your mind that they were actually asleep, but decided the urge was too great and did it anyway. Lets say thats whats tearing you up inside, in addition to the fact that they were young in your presence when you did it - still not sexual abuse, though they'd connect the dots faster if they ever found out what that was. When they each get older, they would probably understand though, as they'd by that time have their own urges.

I'm a female, and I recall when I was younger my male cousin doing something similar in the bed adjacent to mine on a couple occasions. He thought I was asleep. I'd capitalize on it of course, and scream "Hey!" which would send him into a frenzy. It did have a lasting effect on me though since it prompted me to explore my body later on for the first time on my own and since to this day I like it when a man does that. Either way though, you had no bad intentions and I wouldn't label this sexual abuse.

i know no one was actually hurt by it, but masturbating in the presence of a minor is still sexual abuse regardless, isn't it? and i mean, i was six years older than him--that's not a small gap. so either way, what i did was still wrong, and still creepy.

and yeah, it does bother me that i did it even though i was pretty sure my brother was awake, that i capitalized on the tiniest bit of doubt about it in order to pretend that "oh, since he /might/ be asleep it's fine" even though i knew he wasn't. but what really bothers me most is that i knew it was inappropriate and did it anyway. if i'd been entirely clueless, i think i could forgive myself, but i wasn't, and this halfway situation doesn't cut it. so i can't just up and forgive myself, and i'm not sure i ever should.

i don't even know if i /could/ at this point. honestly, i keep thinking--if i were ever going to kill myself for anything, it'd be this. not that i'm planning to by any means, i'd never, but i just...want to stop thinking about it. but i can't. it's gotten to the point where i wake up and it's the first thing i think about, and my first thought is that i'm a horrible person.

and part of me feels like i'm blowing things out of proportion, but another part of me feels like that's just me trying to downplay what i did to make myself feel better, like it really was that bad, or maybe even worse than i realize. and i can't tell which, if either, part of me is right. it's awful.

...that said, knowing at least two people don't think what i did falls under the umbrella of the the most repulsive thing ever is helpful, so, thanks y'all

Count me in as a third person Inappropriate, yet, but not repulsive and obviously not what the law was set up to prevent against. The presence of your brother had nothing to do with your arousal and he was not affected or victimised by it. You are by no possible measure a monster or an evil person. I promise!