a month before i turned 18, my younger brothers, my parents, and i were all in the family van on a roadtrip, driving straight through the night, and i masturbated in the backseat. i zipped myself up in my sleeping bag so my 12 year old brother couldn't see me (he was maybe five feet away, and i knew he was awake, and i thought the younger ones, way up in the front, were asleep, though i later learned they weren't), pretended that was the same as being in another room, and kept quiet. i knew it was wrong, but i did it anyway--i figured it was gross and inappropriate, but fine as long as he didn't find out.
i felt alarmed and disgusted with myself the next morning, when i learned all of my brothers had been awake (though no one knew what i'd done), and i've felt ashamed of it every time i've thought of it since, but i didn't realize exactly how awful it was until a couple months ago, when i learned that masturbating in the presence of a child constitutes sexual abuse.
i've been sexually abused myself (though i was too young to remember it), so the knowledge is horrifying. it's the one thing i've always been afraid of, becoming like the people who hurt me, and to find out that, on some level, i already am--it's completely repulsive. i know i'm not the same as them--i'd kill myself before i laid hands on a kid, and i wasn't thinking of my siblings when i touched myself--but the fact remains what i did counts as sexual abuse, and there's no getting around it.
i hate myself for it, i want to zap the memory out of my brain, or at least the knowledge of how awful it is. it feels like a stain i'll have to live with for the rest of my life, and i just want it gone. i keep trying to rationalize it, and pretend it's not completely disgusting, but it is--i know if anyone ELSE did that around my siblings i'd be pissed, and even at my most forgiving would be super uncomfortable, and wouldn't fully trust them around them after that, and there's no reason it should be any different for me, so.
i can't manage more than a day or so without dwelling on it and beating myself up for it, and i wish i could just stop thinking about it but i can't. i wish i'd had the sense to wait until i was alone, but i didn't and now i have to live w/the guilt for the rest of my life, and the sheer prospect of that is awful