i'm disgusting:( i sexually molested children

Hello everyone,

i'm an 18 year old girl .When I was younger I sexually abused a few children and I am disgusted with myself. I cannot live like this, the guilt is so overpowering and I hate myself for it all. One of the children was 5 (my second cousin) and I was 9 at the time. She was staying over at my house in my bedroom in a bed opposite me. I remember getting angry at her because she fell asleep earlier than me because obviously she was a lot younger than me. I took all the cuddly toys out of her bed and was annoyed when she didn't realise. I took her covers off, undressed her and played with her vagina. I also touched her breasts and was laying next to her naked whilst I did this. I remember her moving in discomfort and making a noise but I continued. I then remember playing with her vagina in the bath the following day. The next case of sexual abuse was worse with a child who was 2 when I was 12. He's the child of a family friend. He used to follow me up to my room and I remember playing with his penis, getting him to touch my breasts and vagina when he followed me into the toilet. I touched him all over his body and when he was openly uncomfortable about it I calmed him down and made him not tell anyone about it. I may have also done other inappropriate things to other children but I cant remember because I repressed everything until now when I remembered all of it. I've had the most fantastic life as well, I never experienced any sexual abuse of any kind and have always been treated with love and respect by everyone. I have the most fantastic boyfriend who I have told this stuff but he doesn't believe it happened and neither do my parents even though I remember doing them all. I feel repulsed and I know I deserve it. I cannot live with myself knowing I have done these thigs and that I have destroyed these children's innocence. Shall I go to the police and hand myself in? I will lose everything and everyone but I know I deserve to. I attempted suicide earlier in the week but I failed. I have no contact with either of these children anymore. Any help is appreciated.

First of all, **don't commit suicide** ~ I honestly think going to the police would be a better idea than that. If you were prosecuted I seriously doubt you'd serve much, if any time, due to your very young age when you committed these acts. In fact, due to these age, I am almost certain you would not be put on the sex offenders register for life. You would not lose everything. You'd be alive and your family would still love you. This isn't a black & white "end of the universe" thing. Honestly, I promise.

Secondly, you need to cut yourself some slack as you were a young child when you did this. Please try to talk to yourself as you would to a 12-year-old who did the same. Sure, you'd disapprove and maybe even be angry, but you wouldn't tell them that they were disgusting, nor would you want them to die. There's no way. The fact is, kids are weird. They do stuff that doesn't make any sense to them as adults. You are quite literally a different person to who you were as a child. You are an adult and your brain will keep changing and maturing into your 20s.

Sexual interactions like you described at age 12 occur in about 30 to 45 percent of the population based on client reports. It is not as abnormal as you may think. No need to go to the police. You were young and your moral boundaries were not established. Now you are older and they are. Ta Da you are growing up. Now leave your guilt behind and go do something awesome!

i have experienced the same thing but only i was the victim of it.

there were other children around me when i myself was a child at age 10. they were in my same age group. i got dragged into their little peer group and wound up being sexually abused in much the same way you describe. but, it was mostly them using peer pressure and deception to get me to imitate adult sex acts with them. other than that, it was exposing me to masturbation.

3 girls and 1 boy did this to me by the way.

i am now 19. i was 10 years old when this happened.

these kids were clearly imitating what sexual molestation had happened to them at the hands of adults or other kids, what they saw in hardcore pornography or acted out on what somebody told them about sex.

not all kids who act out like you did come from sexually abusive backgrounds; that's certainly true. but, in my case? i know that something very weird was going on with those other kids' families. i met 2 out of the 3 families of those kids and the aforementioned 2 families lived in trashed houses, they had delinquent parents and they were both smokers and drinkers. child abuse and child neglect was in their homes for certain. something caused these kids to do those things to me and i don't know what did but it was definitely, without any doubt whatsoever, and i say this with full confidence, related to their families and lives at home. it has to be.

i also grew up with little to no sex education at home. men in my life were quite misogynistic and the women in it didn't look at men all too fondly, either. concepts like favorite sex positions, speedy virginity loss as well as bragging about picking up prostitutes and having abortions were thrown around like a hot potato; they were talked about on a daily basis. therefore, any sense of intimacy and privacy that i would have developed during my upbringing in regards to sex did not properly develop.

i went through other types of abuse, as abusive sets of families have ran through my ancestors generations for as far back as i can possibly count. there's also alcoholism, drug use, domestic violence, alleged criminal activities and mental illness with my family history.

so, in terms of this, it was just everyday life for me at the time.

but, i was terribly confused. i thought i had lost my virginity (i didnt have intercourse, just other forms of sex) so at the same time i had a sense of pride but at the same time a sense of guilt and i had no idea where it came from. and to add to that, that marked when i was first physically active in the most broadest sense of the term because it includes physical activity. but, of course, i was a child and emotionally and mentally i wasn't there. i grew up thinking that all of this was normal, when in fact, it was not.

compound this with the dirtbags that i grew up with outside of all of this; those who taught me about sex, and i was wracked with anxiety when it came to merely even dating up until a little while ago. a large amount of the anxiety is gone due to self help techniques but some of it is still there.

i don't want revenge on the kids who harmed me like this because, well, we were children and it was unintended at the time. we had no clue in the world as to what we were doing and those kids were likely just doing what kids do, which is "monkey see, monkey do". so i do have a cognitive sense of empathy for them but definitely not emotional. but, that's because i don't see myself as being a very emotional person in general; i'm more logically analytical as it comes to relating to people and being compassionate towards them.

but my intimacy issues have been hard to resolve. i've gone almost 9 years of my life being an anxiety ridden wreck as it came to merely doing something as going out on a date with a chick. and, i couldn't pinpoint why it wasn't working out for me. but, through self help, such as coming to terms with what happened and fully realizing those terrible events, i am swiftly improving this aspect of my life.

so, this just gives you some perspective from my shoes. it happened to me; i was the victim of it.

i see why you feel remorse and i have some sort of understanding about it.

i bullied other kids growing up (i got bullied too, and i witnessed it, and i was in constant power imbalance struggles with my childhood friends) and i often feel remorse for what i did because i don't want there to be cycles created. i only recently got out of my own family's cycle so i know how hard it is to actually get out of such a thing. i have, though, apologized to as many of my victims as possible and we all get along now, with the exception of one guy and i don't blame him for not wanting anything to do with me anymore.

if you want to talk with me then hit me up with a private message. i think we can relate to each other, but we're on opposite sides of the fence. know i have no inner animosity towards you as a person. i've never met someone who's been open about sexually abusing other children as a child themselves and so it'd be great if we could have a chat about our own unique experiences with this.

i'm up for open dialogue and understanding one another.