Is it ever okay to stop feeling remorseful

There's nothing that chews away at every positive emotion quite like remorse. Sleepless night, heartache, sorrow, regret - but all the misery feels justified and it's just a forever symptom of wrongdoing. I want to shake and fight these feelings, but I don't feel that I ever deserve to feel happiness again. I believe it would just be forgetting, ignoring and laughing it off and that feel wrong.

What does everyone think, do bad people deserve it be happy? I don't

Hi Elochai,

The word "okay" is a bit vague. The question for me is what rational outcomes does remorse produce? Can it be somehow linked to less suffering in the world, for example?

In other words, is the remorse being used productively?

It makes more sense to ask questions about the utility of remorse, rather than what people do or do not deserve.

I say don't fight the feelings. Embrace them and explore their potential. Remorse is not your enemy. It is like a harsh friend, some might even say a gift from our ancestors, and it has evolved in the human brain for a reason.

But you also have to discern the productive from the unproductive thoughts that arise out of remorse.

Remorse is supposed to be released in the form of reparation and positive energy (e.g. love). It is supposed to be active not passive.

It is not supposed to be swilled around inside the mind through constant rumination. It is not there to punish you. It's there to change your behaviour. On a biological level, it is there to ensure you continue to co-operate and reciprocate in the "tribe" of family and society.

Once you understand and accept that the remorse is indeed genuine and is linked to something you did that caused harm, then ask yourself how you can use that remorse as a catalyst for something wonderful and valuable to yourself and others.

Do we want a world of remorseful people who wallow in self pity? Or do we want remorseful people who put their head up, take ACTION, and make the world a better place, creating many positives out of a past negative.

If we are truly honest about it, I believe the latter is what we want.

It's not about what you do or don't deserve. It's about what remorse can do for you and others. It's about A leading to B. That is the potential you need to tap into.

If your remorse results in many good things throughout your life, the punishment aspect of it will become less and less meaningful, because you'll finally understand the positive value of remorse and reject the useless aspects of it.

Laughing or enjoying life along the way does not change this reality one bit. In fact, it could help.

Thanks very much for the very well thought out post, it means a lot

epiphany55 wrote:I say don't fight the feelings. Embrace them and explore their potential. Remorse is not your enemy. It is like a harsh friend, some might even say a gift from our ancestors, and it has evolved in the human brain for a reason.

Very good point. I'm very aware that remorse is there to make you learn and to teach. But, like all things, the good that is in bad stuff is hard to see.

epiphany55 wrote:Do we want a world of remorseful people who wallow in self pity?

Sadly, this is part of the problem. I think a lot of people do want this, since remorse can feel like a form of suffering and that bad people deserve to suffer. And as I stated people see a lack of remorse as a form of ignorance and disrespect to their action.

Thank you again

Elochai wrote:

epiphany55 wrote:Do we want a world of remorseful people who wallow in self pity?

Sadly, this is part of the problem. I think a lot of people do want this, since remorse can feel like a form of suffering and that bad people deserve to suffer. And as I stated people see a lack of remorse as a form of ignorance and disrespect to their action.

They may want this on a purely reactionary and emotional level. But I'm talking about rational outcomes in the longer term. If people could observe the outcome of productive remorse over the course of time, they would surely favour that. If they don't, then they need some kind of tangible evidence that the alternative is a more rational approach.

Personally, I think punishment is only useful when it induces remorse. If remorse is already there, punishment is futile.

epiphany55 wrote:

Elochai wrote:

epiphany55 wrote:Do we want a world of remorseful people who wallow in self pity?

Sadly, this is part of the problem. I think a lot of people do want this, since remorse can feel like a form of suffering and that bad people deserve to suffer. And as I stated people see a lack of remorse as a form of ignorance and disrespect to their action.

Personally, I think punishment is only useful when it induces remorse. If remorse is already there, punishment is futile.

I like what epiphany said in the first response. In the 2nd response however, I think the last sentence should be the opposite - that in the absence of punishment, a person experiencing remorse would feel even greater degrees of remorse. Why? Because they know & society knows that there was nothing done to balance out the equation of what they did.

In any case, as epiphany said in the 1st response, remorse can take an active role in fighting back against any and all that do the bad things they once did, and helping others see that its not an option because it'll land you in places you never want to be.