am i a child molester?

this is hard

I have been going over this since around 3 am until this minute I have slept bits here and there and not eat anything today yet

I have suffered with severe anxiety and all kinds of thoughts for a very long time, I have been on all kinds of medication for feeling they don't work, I took my self off fluoxetine a few months ago without telling the doctor because I wanted to try and not take medication and I felt it never helped

anyway I have suffered with a lot of thoughts etc for a number of years its been HOCD ( gay ocd ) over a long time I have masturbated heavily sometimes its been over 10 times a day I think I will be saying I think a lot as I cant really remember everything exactly or 100% correct, so due to the heavy masturbation I hope its given me some of these thoughts because more or less I get intrusive arousals a lot to things, I hope its intrusive because I don't want them but as I have anxiety obviously with saying this I am not fully confident when saying it was it will feel like I am lying etc

I have suffered with relationship ocd like not loving an ex girlfriend while being with her at the time

harm ocd like having thoughts in my head of my mum or nan falling down the stairs

thoughts in my head of imagining if I go into the room and stab someone in my family

thoughts in my head of going down and breaking the parrots neck

thoughts of do I wanna jump out my window which I say no to yet a feeling after saying it made me feel like I was lying and wanted to but I was hoping that was just anxiety from the thought

thoughts of wanting to jump off the football stand where I was sitting, at the time I had to grab the bottom of my chair as I felt like I was standing up ready to do it that felt anxious to

the gay thoughts are similar to the window thoughts and football stand its the same feeling when I get like so I want someone to do something sexual to me I am saying no yet it feels like its a lie and I get that panic anxiety feeling that some reason makes me feel like it is what I want to do but also hope that's the anxiety coming from the thoughts, and the arousal I get from the gay thoughts makes me think well if this is happening then I must want to ? but you can get intrusive arousal just because its sex in general no matter what or who it is I hope

I have let a dog lick my down below area while masturbating when I was a lot younger

when I was younger I had an older cousin ask if I ever had a wank and if I want one, the same person has touched my bum and rubbed around my bum and tired touching my down below area also, which I am not bothered about this is not why I am here I will get to that in a minute why I am here

like I said at the top I have been going over this in my mind since 3am until now and in the past its been there too but its came back now so at the minute my hocd isn't as bad as its been for years but till there but not as important to my anxiety at the minute

so I am here because when I was younger I cant remember how young I was and how young my cousin was but he was a younger maybe 5 or so years younger I think I don't know, so I could of been about 16 he may of been about 6 or 7 lets go with that as its still a terrible mistake I did no matter what the age but the ages I cant remember

so when I was younger I touched my younger cousin I cant remember every bit of detail its patchy because its so long ago, I cant remember how it got to this or why it happened i just don't know i say to myself WHY DID I DO THIS!

so when i was younger i asked my younger cousin to touch my down below private part i may of been masturbating in the corner of the room i don't know this is just things that may or not be possible i have been trying to go over and over and try to work out why what how etc anyway he did touch it for a few seconds later that night we were in bed as it was the back bedroom we would all stay depending who was there at the time anyway for some sick reason again i touched him down below and this time tried getting him to touch me again I THINK but lets just say i did as i feel because what i have done i feel i need to feel more depressed i feel all of these thoughts above that i have come from this very thing i did when i was younger

so again i asked him to touch my down below private part later that night i think it was i touched him down below and tried getting him to touch me down below with me this time moving his arm towards it I THINK when i say i think at first i thought it was just be touching him but i have been trying to work out what happened exactly with the number of hours i have been going over it at first i thought it was just me touching him which is bad enough but then i think i tried getting him to touch me again, as this is happening hes not wanting to and hes making a stressing noise like basically saying no i don't want to and it was left at that nothing was continued, and it was like nothing ever happened i didn't try anything again the next day nothing it was like nothing ever happened, strangely enough earlier i was thinking what if this was a dream but i said no it wasn't a dream it happened,

nothing else happened no inserting no nothing just what i have said above

i don't know why i did this
i don't know why it happened
i don't know how it got to this
i don't know if weed was an issue
i don't know why i never thought at the time it was wrong
i don't know why i really don't

i am mad at myself for doing it
i say to myself why did i do it
i regret it
it was a big mistake
i cant understand why i did it
maybe i did because i was young and horny but that still doesn't make it right

i feel depressed i was crying before thinking of life, i don't like listening to music really as that gets me depressed whether its depressing songs or happy songs that other people can enjoy and that i cant i feel i cant because of what has happened in past, its like i don't deserve to be happy or just normal, i hear the parrot talk or make her noises and i start to cry because i am happy that's happy

i think of past animals that have passed away also my sisters dog being happy that i don't see much no more as they have moved into their first new house

also my family happy they are ok but i feel alone i feel like i am not the person they think i am as they don't know half of this i don't tell no one about any of my problems just my doctor in the past,

got tears in my eyes now about thinking of the above........

i don't think i hurt my little cousin in anyway i have never threatened him or anything like that he could of said something to anyone he wanted to, i am hoping he just cant remember or just isn't affected by it no one knows about this for now as i don't if i should show this to my mum or not but i think i will i don't know?

i am going to show all this post to my doctor

i just don't know why this happened i really don't its like i just it without thinking but i don't know why theres no attraction no nothing i cant understand why

also by the way aswell as the other thoughts above yes i have had thoughts in my head like do i fancy that child etc and other intrusive thoughts

i have basically had a lot of intrusive thoughts and nothing has ever happened again to the same person or to another person never and never will

i am 28 this happened over 10 years ago don't know exactly how many years

i don't think i am a child molester as i have not done anything like this again and never will i just cant seem to forget it

i feel it was a very big mistake that i regret and hate and don't know why i did it i just feel its a mistake and not the fact that i am a child molester i did take it further which still doesn't mean what i did was right let me point that straight out


i don't know what to do, i think i will show it to my doctor and he may say go back on medication and may say go see a therapist but i don't like seeing them kind of people i have been to them a few times before and i get no help from it

i don't know how i can move on? do i just need to stop thinking about it?

also do you think i am a child molester?

Hello, I'm the moderator that approved your post....

I think there's too many things going on in your post, mijo. I've moved this to Remorse- the abuse forums are strictly for people who have been abused, not people who think they may have abused....

As far as that goes, it boils down to the circumstances. And your memory seems to be hazy. OCD will do that to you, once you get to worrying and thinking so much about whether something happened or not.

But let's get to that here in Remorse: If they never mentioned it, and they seem to act normal around you, then I honestly would not worry about it. You were young, and did a dumb thing. If you would not do that now, then you're a different person from that teenager, and teenagers do stupid things, anyway. If it went only as far as you say, then I'd just let that go.

As for a lot of the rest of your post, I think you should remove the details of your feared abusive actions, and post in OCD forum for the problem of all these intrusive thoughts and worrying. You will find plenty of company in there- I'm the mod for that forum, and I get intrusive thoughts much like many of the ones you've had. But this isn't the forum for you to talk about those- this thread needs to deal specifically with your feelings at what may have been actions on your part all that time ago. So really I do urge you to also consider posting about the thoughts, in OCD forum. And I definitely think you should let your Dr know about all these things, because they're the ones best able to help you overcome this.

Snaga wrote:Hello, I'm the moderator that approved your post....

I think there's too many things going on in your post, mijo. I've moved this to Remorse- the abuse forums are strictly for people who have been abused, not people who think they may have abused....

As far as that goes, it boils down to the circumstances. And your memory seems to be hazy. OCD will do that to you, once you get to worrying and thinking so much about whether something happened or not.

But let's get to that here in Remorse: If they never mentioned it, and they seem to act normal around you, then I honestly would not worry about it. You were young, and did a dumb thing. If you would not do that now, then you're a different person from that teenager, and teenagers do stupid things, anyway. If it went only as far as you say, then I'd just let that go.

As for a lot of the rest of your post, I think you should remove the details of your feared abusive actions, and post in OCD forum for the problem of all these intrusive thoughts and worrying. You will find plenty of company in there- I'm the mod for that forum, and I get intrusive thoughts much like many of the ones you've had. But this isn't the forum for you to talk about those- this thread needs to deal specifically with your feelings at what may have been actions on your part all that time ago. So really I do urge you to also consider posting about the thoughts, in OCD forum. And I definitely think you should let your Dr know about all these things, because they're the ones best able to help you overcome this.

ok thanks I keep having to repeat I regret and I feel I have to go over every bit of detail which is annoying me more and getting intrusive feelings here and there also but its all not welcome actually when I was saying to myself I regret it and wish I never did it I had a thought in my head as if I am lying, heads battered its like I cant even tell whats feels right or not anymore

do you feel I need to go to my doctor and see if I need to go on medication? because of most things making me feel aroused which may not be true I may need to go back on a ssri as I may be low on serotonin, its been said that can cause gay things also having low serotonin apparently there was a test on mice about it

I don't know about serotonin and 'gay' thoughts, but I'd definitely seek professional help and if you were on meds before, an SSRI might not be a bad idea to help with the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts.

I hate having to go to see people my doctor suggests as I don't think it will help especially talking therapist

I stopped by myself just straight away with the medication I was on as I felt it didn't do anything your not meant to just stop but I still did

I like to drink now and then is also a reason why I don't like being on medication its basically stopping me from going out and having a drink now and then I used to just not take medication the day I was going to drink and not the next due to the alcohol still active the next day so used to leave 2 days basically without medication then start again with the medication

Well baby doll, if alcohol ever stands between me and feeling better, I'm going to choose feeling better.

Snaga wrote:Well baby doll, if alcohol ever stands between me and feeling better, I'm going to choose feeling better.

yes same here, but when ever I do drink which is not all the time I will not take medication that same day or the next if I have drank late after midnight

Of course- I wouldn't risk a ban interaction, either. But you said you've stopped taking meds entirely, right? And made it seem that wanting to drink was a factor.... I like to drink, but if I was on meds for my issues, I'd rather take the meds, than drink.

I have only just gotten out of bed, so I haven't made an appointment for the doctors so I will have to do it tomorrow,

I remember another thing that may of happened I may of asked him to kiss it or put it in his mouth, at the time of me asking him to touch it, I think this happened and because its killing my inside I had to type it here couldn't just I cant remember if it I asked him to kiss it or put it in his mouth but I don't know if it happened but I think I do remember asking

if it did happen it would of only been a few seconds not minutes but not with me saying that its like I need to be sure and its not possible and whether it was 1 second or 1 hour it still happened which I regret

I cant seem to stop going over it and putting myself through it I am trying to stop I am saying to myself I regret that happened I cant believe I don't know why it happened I will never do it again this was when I was younger and nothing is going to make it better keeping it in my head and going over it what happened is in the past I regret it I need to stop thinking of it, this is what I keep saying

I f...king hate this sorry for language, I just have to try let it go and try not to go over it when it feels like I am about to I need to just try ignore it

when ever I see or hear on the news about sex abuse child abuse peadophiles gets my anxious to thinking is this me or what I did in past makes me like this, Its just not me that's not me but I still get anxious etc

I hope medication will work but feels like I am relying on that now which I shouldn't i know its not a magical cure i hope it helps me trying to not be as anxious and get rid of thoughts within time

hope everyone here on the forum is doing well

-- Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:32 pm --

Snaga wrote:Of course- I wouldn't risk a ban interaction, either. But you said you've stopped taking meds entirely, right? And made it seem that wanting to drink was a factor.... I like to drink, but if I was on meds for my issues, I'd rather take the meds, than drink.

no i sorry i stopped because i felt the 60mg Prozac was doing nothing everything time i would take them felt like i didn't want to as it felt like i was just taking them for the sake of it because nothing was happening i felt and also did wanna try and get along without taking medication

i drink now and then the last time i drank was about 3 weeks ago or something

when you drink how do you take your medication? do you leave the day you drink then the next also?

even though if i miss a day on the day i drink i still have medication in my body of course so what i think is would it matter if i took my daily medication while drinking on that same day? what is a bad interaction?

like Christmas is coming up and evey year i go out with my dad about 11 or 12 till and meet his mate and his mates son which is my made its like a traditional thing we do its happened for years and we stay out till 3 until the pubs close so that's the next time i will be drinking so will have had a good few pints