Did I sexually abused my younger brother when I was a child?

Hello, I'm a 21 years old adult woman. When I was a child (11-12 years old or younger), I french kissed my little brother (6 years younger than me) as a game, saying things like “let’s kiss like grown ups”. This happened a few times (4 or something) and my mom saw us performing it at least one time. I do remember that mom said it was gross (our first language is not english, so I don't know if "gross" actually catches the meaning of what she said. It was something like "¡qué asquerosos!"), and we laughed, literally sucking each other tongues, because she didn't seem mad, just weirded out. I felt nothing like arousal while doing so (afortunately), but I think that one of the times when we kissed my motive to do it was because, in school, I heard of a method for french kissing and I wanted to try it (it was something among the lines "if you move your mouth like you're saying the name of the person you're kissing, then you will be giving a good kiss").

Out slibing relationship is good, specially considering our conflictive family and the fact that he's now adiccted to games (he interacts much more online that with people in the house, and I totally understand his reasons). Neither of us trust that much in our parents, at least emotionally speaking, so the people we are most close within the family is each other. We've always been very physical with each other. And by that I mean hug and peek-like kisses. In fact, it wasn't too much time ago that we stopped giving each other peeks on the lips, and it was because of my insecurities. Although I've heard that kisses are normal depending on different family dynamics (my mother always gave us peeks), someone said it was weird and I worried a lot. I feel very motherly towards him, or at least I felt that way in the past, like he would always be my little baby. Don't get me wrong, I've never been in charge of his meals or bathing him, it's something more emotional. And so, we always showed a lot of physical affection, plus always saying how much we loved each other. All of this in a way that always felt fraternal, nothing more.

When I kissed him the first two times I recall it was because I wanted to know how it felt. I stopped as soon as I realized it felt like... nothing. We did it with our eyes open. I did not feel any arousal in any of the kisses we shared (fortunately), and I think (being absolutely unsure about this memory) we even tried to imitate the "mmmh" sounds at leats one time. The later times it was a mix in between that experimentation and of we trying to be gross, specially with the tongue sucking thing (just as we sometimes licked each other in the face trying to gross out other people or ourselves). I was the one who suggested it, and he would agree. I think I would've stopped if he showed any signs of being uncomfortable, but we just carried it like it was nothing. It felt like the plain flavour of saliva and tongues and nothing more.

For me, and for a long time, this was normal (to think I didn't even count these kisses as my first ones!), because we trusted each other and we were always very affectionate, plus it didn't have any sexual outcome, or so I thought. Now I know it was wrong to experiment with my little brother, because the age gap is huge, and I've learned we were in different development stages. I should have known better. I know I knew better what a kiss was, or at least I knew it was a grown up thing. I kinda resent my parents because they should have separated us and they should have scolded me instead of reacting like it was nothing, but the thing I want to know (and I'm more afraid of) is this: did I sexualy abuse my brother?

He's 15 now. I've asked him before this year if he ever felt in any way sexualy abused by me. I was insecure about all this issue of having been too physical with him, particularly because sometimes I grabbed his chest. He said it was ridiculous for me to think the chest thing was abuse, and kinda gently, kinda laughing he told me to "seek some help" when he realized how worried I was. But the thing is, I never asked him directly about the kisses, and I'm not sure if I want to. If he doesn't remember, I don't want him to suddenly remember it and have bad memories or feel bad. Plus, he's a teenager, I don't think he'd be comfortable talking about this with his big sister.

I'm asking here because I'm a little desperate for answers, and the guilt is consuming me. I've having a lot of troubles with intrusive thoughts about guilt in the last months (regarding all important aspects of my life. If I resolve something, I inmediatly jump into another issue), and so I'm going to therapy for the first time next week. I refused in the past because I was afraid, but this is something I can't ignore. If I've hurted him in any way, I think is going to be really hard, if not impossible, to forgive myself.

Hi.

You're definitely over-panicking considering your continued good/ healthy relationship with your brother and the fact that when you raised the concerns over grabbing his chest he laughed you off. While I agree that the age different is large, I would hesitate to go as far as to say that you sexually abused him since what you did seems so much in the spirit of gross-out tomfoolery and childish behaviour. Kids are pretty weird and you do not deserve to feel ever-lasting guilt for the behaviour of a 11/12-year-old little kid who was quite literally a different person to who you are now as an adult.

If possible maybe give it a couple of years under your brother is a little older to discuss this with him. He's still a kid himself and probably will feel at best embarrassed about discussing this with his older grown-up sis. It's obvious that your love, concern and care for your brother is very real and I think therapy will go a long way in helping you work through your feelings about all this.

Hello, I want to thank you for your reply, since to this day reading it helps me cope with the obsession (now I know how to call it) that I have about things that happened between me and my brother. Really, thank you a lot.

I have been in therapy, and my psychiatrist considered the idea that I could have OCD, but decided against meds, because aparently I don't need them (I don't experience panic attacks and I can function normally, although I think it's because my obsessions have a lot to do with moral values and my sense of duty just doesn't let me stop functioning, or else I'd feel guilty too. And that's basically the same reason why I haven't attempted suicide in my life, which is a good thing), My therapist decided in parallel that I should start cognitive therapy, but we can't do this until the center in which I attend therapy opens again (it's a university center, since it's cheaper bc therapists are students -aside from the psychiatrist, who's a doctor- and I don't really have much money), and they're on vacations until march. That's why I'm trying to find answers here again. Sorry for bothering.

Talk therapy has helped me a lot, but sometimes I think it's not enough (that's why I am glad we're gonna start trying a different thing). I've talked to my psychiatrist and my therapist the things that have happened to me, and both say I wasn't abusive. They say it was curiosity, and that sometimes age (one of my main concerns) is more of a text book thing. And that because I'm looking at the situation with adult eyes, I tend to sexualize my own behavior as a child, even if I did not did it with that intent at the time.

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The thing is... what I feel more guilty about it something that wasn't consensual like the kissing. One time, I was having a sudden thought. I wanted to know how his penis looked like. Not because of sexual arousal, I remember vividly it was because I wanted to know how it looked because I saw it when he was little and my mom was changing him and I wanted to know how it was at that time. I don't remember our ages, I remember we were kids because our grandparents were in charge of us that time, but I don't remember our age at all. I remember he just showered and was fooling around without clothes but covered with a sheet. I started joking that I would lift the sheet, and he said no. I continued joking and, in an impulse, I lifted the sheet and saw him. I made a surprised sound, felt extremely guilty in the same instant, and started apologizing, saying that I thought he was wearing underwear. He said "I told you I wasn't! Pervert!" (word that I know he learned watching anime probably) and started screaming I was a pervert, but very ashamed himself, as he went into his room. I don't remember very much apart from the lie I told (because I knew he wasn't wearing clothes) and that I was very sorry, but I could have told him that he shouldn't be fooling around without clothes, I don't remember (I hope I didn't said that, because I don't want him to feel guilty about something that was entirely my fault).

I remember I didn't have any sexual intention, that I was just curious, and that's why my psychiatrist labeled it as curiosity. But I'm worried he was being too soft with me. I know it was bad, I know I did bad. I feel bad, I feel anxious and guilty. I don't want to bring this up to my brother because he's going to think I'm annoying at best and at worst he could also feel bad about the whole situation.

Sorry for the long reply. If this needs a trigger, it would be nice if a mood could correct the title.

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