Is this the end for me?

Trigger Warning
I'm sorry if I repeat things from my older posts but I honestly have nowhere to turn. I honestly have had really great mental health for the last few weeks, no intrusive thoughts and my POCD dissolved. Then, today I had an episode where I felt the need to masturbate to mental images of my younger sister, and was turned on by it???
It was like a ritual thing where I had to keep doing it, and I'm freaking out. I feel like a monster, this is honestly the worst feeling ever and I feel so sick and disgusting, after all this time without any bad or horrible thoughts. I also looked at a nonpornographic photo to test if the thoughts were in my head or not and I had arousal.
The worst part is that when I was masturbating I kept getting thoughts like, 'just accept you're a pedophile and you'll feel better,' and they felt like genuine thoughts even though I have only just started having POCD or horrible thoughts again?
It honestly feels like taking my life could be the only way out.

Hi, justanotherweirdkid,

You haven't DONE anything harmful to anyone. So you've had thoughts about someone you shouldn't have had. It's all right. You didn't hurt her by having such thoughts.

It's good that you're feeling guilty as it means you care for the safety of your sister. My suggestion would be to accept the guilt and let it pass.

Maybe stay away from your sister for some time and make sure you guys are never alone. Again, you haven't ruined her life by having such thoughts.

Also perhaps you could abstain from masturbating and checking on 'what arouses you' for some time. There are other sources of happiness. Like a walk in the park, picnic, having good food, taking your sister or other friends for a lunch/ice cream, going to the roller coaster ride, listening to good music.

Sex is very much overrated in our society. There truly are better ways to have fun. Maybe strike sex and masturbation off your list for some time.

Thanks for the reply.
Normally when I make posts I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever I look back at the thoughts I had I can't relate to them. Normally when I have periods of good mental health the intrusive images don't bother me because I know they are not real.
I already try to avoid my younger sister, but when I'm around her I never have any sexual feelings, because my mind is in the present and acknowledges she's a child and my sister. These thoughts usually come up in times of stress for some reason, but when they do they're really upsetting and put me on the edge of suicide.

I learnt this from self help video. Mark freeman ocd. He says that when you get terrible thoughts, accept the thoughts and let them pass.
there would be videos on youtube:
mark freeman ocd terrible thoughts

they helped me a lot. perhaps give the videos a try.

When you can fully accept that you do not create your thoughts then it's easier to let them pass like clouds, or like flicking through TV channels. Just because a thought is particularly disturbing, it doesn't make it any more representative of who you truly are.

In fact, it could be argued that nothing that arises into consciousness is the wilful creation of what you call "me" or "I". Just because a phenomenon occurs behind your eyes does not make it any more "you" than the passing cloud, car, person etc.

Thoughts are just the product of millions of unconscious processes, chemical reactions in the brain, over which you have no control. The more you understand where thoughts come from, the less you will associate them with your true potential.

You may never understand WHY you have these thoughts, and although it can provide some relief to know the root of those thoughts (childhood experiences, for example), it's not absolutely necessary. What is more important is that you know that thoughts alone have no power over you IF you relate to them in the same way you would any other phenomenon that happens to arise into consciousness.

You have to accept them, but you don't have to identify with them. There's a difference.

Rebuke them - they're whispers. Tell them to get away from you and to leave you alone (forcefully). You'll notice they run away in the presence of strong resistance and good things so surround yourself with good things & recite powerful positive text to protect you from them. These whispers come in many forms as a test for people, and often like to try to bother us when at our weakest, or when sad or feeling down. Believe it or not, everyone is subject to all kinds of bad whispers but not everyone has a strong spiritual immune system to ward it off or rebuke it as easily (& not everyone has been subject to certain experiences and images that these whispers will play on). Clean your ears regularly with your fingers and some water. When a really bad whisper comes along, spit 3 times on your left side and rebuke it. Hope those thoughts go away,, just don't give in.