[TW] I sexually assaulted my best friend...

Hello,

Yesterday i did such a terrible thing. I had my best friend stay overnight at my place for a visit as she lives in another city than i do. Id say we were really attached to each other. When the evening came, we were cuddling on my bed like we did many times before.

We were holding hands and cuddling really close and I interpreted some kind of sexual tension into the situation. Knowing that she will get aroused by it, I started scratching her back and neck and she gave into it. I told her to tell me to stop if i was going to far. She didnt tell me to stop. But i didnt ask for permission either, and she didnt give me any. I moved my hand up to her breasts, she took my hand away. Minutes later, i tried to touch her vagina, she took my hand away again. I started touching her ass, and she didnt take my hand away anymore. In this moment, i actually thought that she was okay with it, as her body seemed to respond positively. Some minutes later, i told her that we should stop for that day. She nodded, then moved away from me and laid next to me, motionless. I thought of nothing. I thought of it as consentual.

It took hours for me to realize the possibility that she did not even want it. It hit me like a truck, and i dont think i can ever get up from it. I cant look into her eyes anymore. She was abused in her youth. She is in therapy, diagnosed with Borderline and selfharming behaviour. She was so attached to me. She completely trusted me.

I am such a piece of $#%^, and this is the worst thing i have ever done in the 21 years of my life. She was the most important person in my life right now.

When we talked about it, she told me that it wasnt a big deal. She wanted to forgive me. But i cant be forigiven that easily, can i? I know that it must have hurt her so much, emotionally.

For now, i told her that we should stop seeing each other completely. She agreed. I am afraid that i will do someting like that again.

My question is, should i search for therapy? What kind of therapy would you recommend? By my countries law (i am studying law) i did not even commit a crime (yes ###$ that) so confessing to the police is not an option. Id do anything for redemption, but i think that there is none.

This is so similar to the assault I committed when I was 21 I almost don't know how to respond. At the very least I can say you are not alone. It was 8 years ago and I'm in a slightly different space to where I was in 2008, though I still feel great remorse every day... it's just as present, but I have a modicum more distance and self-compassion.

Personally, the only things that have helped me (which I also think are moral and constructive) are:

1.) Daily meditation and being really strict about this.

2.) Being open/ truthful to my family and friends about what I did without trying to minimise it or make excuses, however hard.

3.) Volunteering - such as on a crisis phone line (not for survivors as I feel that would have been inappropriate); a dementia hospital; and here on Psychforums.

4.) Reading ~ especially Ursula Le Guin's The Dispossessed; Vanessa Place's The Guilt Project: Rape, Morality and Law; and this interview between bell hooks and Maya Angelou which I have read over and over and over again, especially the part when they talk about sex offenders Clarence Thomas and Mike Tyson:
http://www.hartford-hwp.com/archives/45a/249.html

5.) Following the guide-lines of this leaflet entitled 'What to Do When Someone Tells you that you violated their boundaries, made them feel uncomfortable, or committed assault', which I strongly encourage you to read:
http://www.phillyspissed.net/taxonomy/term/3

Personally I asked my victim who they would feel comfortable me talking to about this (they said anyone I wish to) and what language they would want me to use (they said any that I choose, but they would personally say I pushed their boundaries, but they rejected the label of molestation). Since you are still friends with your victim I respect that you said you should stop seeing each other, to which she agreed. If you contact her with the above questions, only do it once and be careful/ respectful in your writing. If you choose to do so the guide above will help with that.

I also offered to turn myself into the police and endeavoured to make it clear that I would plead guilty to any charges brought against me. She did not see what I did as a police matter and though I had a great desire to receive justice (probably as this might assuage my conscience) I have not turned myself in against her wishes. Since you say that in your country what you did was not illegal then this is not an issue for you.

Of course, none of these things mean that I am not a criminal or a sexual abuser, sadly. Just as if a man kills someone at 21, he will still be a murderer at 61. However, he may be able to change and so earn a place within society. Even if you are in the bottom-most category, you can still aspire to be at the very top of that bottom category and in doing so achieve some hard won self-worth.

Your aim now is to never harm again, respect the wishes of your victim, and educate others. I'm not a monster and neither are you. We are human beings who did something crushingly stupid and awful and ugly. We hurt someone else and we hurt ourselves. We also have no-one to blame but ourselves.

You say that you'd do anything for redemption. I feel exactly the same way. But black & white redemption is only in stories. Redemption is an on-going incremental path. It is a continual process. I think you can do it and in a decade's time feel some pride in the man you have become, feeling less shame while still feeling regret.

I honestly think therapy would help you. Your behaviour did not appear out of nowhere and you did not act in a vacuum. You are responsible for your own actions but you arrived at those actions though a long series of events. Personally, I think the fact that I was pressured into losing my virginity (my first gf's friends all placed monetary bets on when we'd have sex) and had a form tutor in secondary school who made our class play spin-the-bottle and gave inappropriate sex ed. probably damaged my sexuality. Therapy has give me greater self-awareness and a space to talk.

I hope this reply is useful. I really want to balance compassion with clear-sightedness. I think what you did was wrong, but it doesn't mean you are damned to Hell. I believe in you.

Hi, I just want to say that you are not a monster; what you did was done by mistake. You never meant to hurt her - you misinterpreted her body language, and then... this happened.
I am certainly a lot younger than you, but I have done worse; when I was 14 or something. I have created a thread about it on this 'Remorse' forum.
Anyway, what I wanted to say - you are really, really sorry about what you have done to her, right? I think she should know this, only then she will understand you and be able to forgive you and feel better about herself and her relationship with you. That is what will set you free.
We are with you.

Honestly, I think you did two things wrong in this, no actually 3 things.

First, you assume that you can't be forgiven that easily. If the person you did this with forgives you and tells you its not a big deal, that's a huge thing. You were forgiven by her!

Second, I'm having trouble understanding what you did that was so wrong??? You guys didn't have sex, everytime you touched her she swatted you away & you didnt repeat the touch. The only thing you really ended up doing was touching her ass, which, like, seriously... and thats the one time you were actually allowed to touch her without getting swatted. I noticed you didn't specify her age so I'm just going to assume since you guys are best friends that she's over 18, somewhere around your age.

So given the above, I would say the 2nd thing you did wrong was reject her in the middle of everything by telling her "we should stop everything". What I would have done, is ask her if she wanted you to stop. I mean seriously, she was reacting positively to you, and who's to say that a relationship can't progress between the two of you. Both of you are adults, and even though she's suffered abuse when she was younger, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to ever have a healthy relationship with someone. Did you ever stop to ask her if she sees you as more than a friend too?

Third thing you did wrong was let her past get in the way of how you perceived her. Let's say, you never knew she was ever abused before, would you feel as guilty about touching her as you do now? Sorry to break it to you but, you're not her abuser so why are you taking on his guilt?

You both are adults, its perfectly natural for you to be attracted to your best friend. A lot of relationships blossom that way. I think the final blow in this story, is how you told her you guys should stop talking to eachother. She tells you its no big deal and you tell her I never want to see you again. That would hurt anyone. I think what you really should do is tell her you have feelings for her, think she's pretty or whatever and see what she says. If she's not interested in you like that, you leave it at that and DONT invite her to your home alone again. First thing I would ask her though is if she still wants to be friends. Almost guaranteed she'll say yes because it really just sounds to me like she likes you too and you don't have a clue haha.

Last thoughts, don't overstep your boundaries with her.