I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER, I WANT TO DIE

Hello all,
I am a 20 year old man and I have some past mistakes catching up to me what occurred when i was 13-14/15 years old and one when I was around 9-11

Firstly, when I was around 9 to 11 I would tell my sister who is five years younger than me that we should play a game, this game would consist of humping, replicating the movements in sex, it was never intercourse just the humping motion, I would always hear about sex when my parents friends were round and I was exposed to it at a young age but I still feel terrible.

The next mistake was when I was 13/14 with my friends little brother, I remember he used to come upstairs and in my mind I can remember dry humping him too...makes me feel terrible.

And finally, I suffer with very active OCD, it can easily take control of my thoughts and emotions and make me go from happy to miserable in seconds, I do not currently receive treatment as I am afraid of admitting this to another human. I have in my head that for some reason, one day when I was around 13/14 (maybe not 15) I went to watch a move with my sister in her bedroom and my mind keeps telling me we dry humped again.

This makes me feel sick, it makes me feel like a paedophile, I have zero. Absolute no attraction or sexual feelings toward my sister, my friends siblings or any other children, at all. I do not have a reason as to why I did the things I have, I do not have an excuse, it's terrible and it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I have pushed people away because I feel like they shouldn't have to be associated with a monster like me, I lost my girlfriend I dearly loved because this was always in my mind and it pushed her away, I caused arguments because I was always upset but it wasn't her fault. I regret this deeply, every single day and I just want to live happy, I look at other people in envy at how they get to live the luxury of a day without extreme guilt, I need advice and support, please help.


I want to join the police to give back and help people but I'm afraid this will instantly stop me getting in, please help.

Thank you for reading

Many kids mimic all sorts of things they see and hear about. Sex is all around us. Many kids "play doctor" or "show me yours and I'll show you mine." Toddlers may even masturbate. Does that mean they are evil people? No, they are simply human and testing the body out or reenacting what they see in the media, or perhaps family members (ever walked in on your parents doing it when you were a kid? yuck!), etc. It can be confusing and scary. And looking back, it can conjure disgust.

You aren't evil. You're not a monster. Guar-on-tee it.

I'll tell you a story about me, and see what you make of it. I'm a female, and as a kid (age 6+), my neighbors' kids were 2 boys, one was 2 years older, one was 4 years older than I. We all tried to mimic sex (even with our clothes off). Of course it wasn't sex. Nothing actually happened other than us rolling around and being silly kids. We knew it wasn't exactly right, but based on what we had seen/learned in our lives, we knew that grown ups did it, and figured we should try it, too. I mentally blocked it all out until I was around 18. I had been a virgin and proud of it, and when those images came hurtling back into my mind, I became disgusted with myself... I viewed myself as no longer a virgin, and I was angry I had forgotten those things happened. Ya know what? I was a kid. I forgive my little kid self because I was just testing the limits of my body. Does that make me evil or a monster? Should I die because of it? Answer that and see if you can relate to your child self...

Please try to be kind to yourself. You were a child. Even as a teen, you were still a child and figuring out what is/isn't right/wrong, and testing the boundaries of your body. Be proud that you remember, feel some shame about it (that's completely normal!) and forgive yourself, for it really is but a grain of sand in the universe.

+1 to everything written by craycray!

You're not a monster and you shouldn't die!

Yeah, seriously, I agree with those two. I think just about everybody experiences things like that. More common than you think. The important thing here is - if you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel this bad about it. It's okay. Be kind to yourself!! It seems like you're way too hard on yourself

Everyone has said the right things to you I think. In addition to the above, did you ever talk about this to the young kids that you dry humped when you were younger? If they talk to you and tell you not to worry, we were just kids or tell you they forgive you for acting weird with your hormones when we were growing up, then I'd forgive myself and move past it.

Just like what Oui Three said, "if you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel this bad about it." You're not a monster.