A past one-night stand... (some descriptive content)

*mod edit* (when I was 19 or 20), I went to a get together with a bunch of friends. I knew everyone there except for one girl, and we all got completely wasted. I was lying down on the couch at one point, and the girl deliberately fell on me. Within a few minutes, we were making out, and we ended up going into a room to have sex (which was entirely consensual). We were at it for a few minutes before a few of my friends stormed in and ran around the bed as a "joke", and we quickly hid ourselves under the covers. They pretty much interrupted to tell me that they were going home and could give me a ride, but I declined the offer.

They left and we tried to start going again, but I couldn't get it up. We agreed to try again in a few minutes, at which point I was able to, but she was facing away from me while we were cudding (we were also both completely naked).

I have to be a bit more descriptive at this point, even though it was really blurry. I don't think I was fingering her, but I may have. What I do remember is that I was fondling her breasts while rubbing against her vagina with my penis (without putting it in). She was softly moanig, and moving along with it. Then at one point, she said "no" quietly, but she still seemed to be into it, so I kept going until she said it again, then I stopped for a few minutes.

Then this is my complete screw up. I was a complete idiot and thought of trying again as an act of seduction/harmless persistence. I had no intention of forcing anything, it was really just "trying one more time". So a few minutes after, I started rubbing up against her again, and once again, she seemed to be getting into it (more than before). I then started to slowly work it in (I didn't penetrate her though, it was really tight), and she said more assertively, "stop!". I quickly apologized, and we went back to cuddling and fell asleep.

She left early in the morning for work, and I never talked to her again after that. I'm not sure if she thought much of it. I never heard anything through her best friend (who I hung out with a lot at the time, along with her boyfriend). I hope she didn't see it as anything serious and that it didn't affect her.

But I've been seeing all these reports of rapists getting off the hook. Based on the disturbing details, I want to think, "wow, that's disgusting", but I get scared that it would make me a hypocrite if what I did was considered rape... This was a one time thing, and I've learned from it, but does this make me a rapist?

-- Thu Sep 15, 2016 2:14 pm --

By "her boyfriend", I meant my friend's boyfriend. The girl I was with was single. Sorry for the double post.

She said stop, you stopped, if she was seriously upset one of you would have been getting out of that bed, don't you think? I think this is a non-issue, personally and I wouldn't worry about it.

What you did was not penetrative so it absolutely wasn't rape. It sounds like the woman in question doesn't have an issue with what happened. If you're still in contact, I suppose you could ask her, but it may well be best just to leave it be. You certainly haven't "gotten away" with some horrible sexual crime. I might take what you did more seriously than Snaga, but then that's due to my own guilt for doing something pretty similar to an ex. Like you, I justified myself by thinking "I stopped as soon as she said stop", but at the end of the day clear consent, not acquiescence always needed in a sexual encounter. But you can learn from what you did and it is good you've reflected on it. You are not doomed or a monster! In fact, I think it would be up to the woman/ girl in question as to whether what you did was "abusive" and it doesn't sound like she would view it that way. Personally I would say you crossed a boundary, but it's simply not the kind of case that would get reported in newspapers and cause great anger and disgust over Twitter. You aren't Brock Turner. End of.

If you do want to work through your feeling of guilt or it seems appropriate to offer apology or remuneration to "the victim" (I really don't want to put words into this girl's mouth, thus the scare quotes) then I'd suggest reading these two articles first. They're pretty sobering, but compassionate and reasonable I think and might help you get things in perspective Though, as said, I'm not even 100% certain that they apply to you! Please bear in mind that I take consent super seriously and so my response is more towards the "you did wrong" side of the spectrum than most responses you will realistically get (apart from if you get replies from trolls who just want you to feel bad because they're jerks).

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/be-accountable-when-abusive/

http://www.phillyspissed.net/taxonomy/term/3

Thanks,
Sprock

Sorry it took so long to reply. I saw these and meant to, but I ended up forgetting. They definitely helped, and I don't think that I'll message her, but I am still having some obsessive thoughts about the whole thing. I'm worrying about what ifs, like "what if she was half asleep and the moaning was just groaning, and she was just moving cause she wanted me to stop?", and "what if she really did feel violated and this comes up later in my life?" The whole night was a blur, but the original post is how I remember it. I'm 100% sure I stopped after that "no". She also left before I woke up, so I didn't talk to her in the morning

But I was in touch with her best friend after and we always texted each other (one time I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was hanging out with the girl from that night, and the conversation continued without any mention of anything that happened). I also remembered that the girl had another really close friend who invited me to a party 2 years ago, which means that friend didn't have any problems with me. The girl I slept with didn't end up showing up, and I hope it wasn't because I went, but I think that she'd tell her friend why she wasn't coming in that case (and her friend would've uninvited me at the very least)?

I'm just still freaking out about this. I've learned my lesson and take consent extremely seriously now, but I'm worried that she did feel violated and that it might pop up in the future. I'm also in a band and we're starting to get places, and I'm scared that if we do get somewhere and hears about it, she'll be like, "that guy sexually assaulted me". I also don't want her to have felt violated period.

I know this is all redundant and I was told that it isn't a big deal, but if she really had a problem with it, would I probably know by now? Like her best friend or her other friend would've been told about it and would've called me out or at least cut me off right away, right?

I think if she had a serious problem with it, you would know by now, so just need to let it go...

You need to swallow the fear and keep going with your band. In fact I think you have started to feel anxious precisely because you have found some success. I believe if she felt violated he would have contacted you by now. However, you could always delicately ask a mutual friend.