Can't forgive myself for mistake in past

Hey everyone,

I am unfortunately suffering a very hard time, a time where I feel lonely, disgusted, ashamed and isolated.

Back when I was 13/14 I used to go to my best friends house at the time, go there to have sleep overs, play video games, watch YouTube videos, play football over the park etc. Just the normal stuff friends do.

However, my mind seems to cast me back to a specific moment when I was around my friends house, in not sure what date this was, or what time, I don't remember any details really just I know what my mind is telling me.

I seem to remember that one day/night, his little brother came in who was 6/7 at the time I'm not sure how old he was, but I remember for some reason that he came in the room and the next thing my memory is telling me is that I dry humped him, my mind seems to suggest I was laying on top and just kind of grinder I don't know, it seems to tell me I held him down but I'm not sure if this is true.

This was fully clothed and I am certain no further touching was made, but obviously me and my OCD mind are constantly fighting and it is trying to suggest I touched the little boy, which I'm sure I wouldn't have done.

This dry humping if it did happen, only happened for a short period of time, and only happened once or twice...I never remember the little brother being off with me, it's the fact that my memory is so blurred that it's making it hard to settle this issue of my past.

I have absolutely NO attraction to children, I do not find them sexually attractive or they do not arouse me at all. I was exposed to sexual behaviour at a relatively young age hearing my parents and when I went over my friends we used to watch sexual content, one of the first ever times I've seen it. None of this is an excuse, it was a terrible thing that I "maybe" did, I'm more convinced than it did happen than it didn't, I just can't seem to settle it

It's beating me up every second of every day, I can't talk to anyone about it because I will get labelled a sex offender or a paedophile, something terrible, I would never repeat the same mistake because that's just not in me. I'm not sure what came over me.i don't know what a therapist could do other than see me as a sicko for it.

I am truly sorry and regret it deeply, it was a mistake that I made when I was young and I want to reiterate that I have no desire, sexual attraction or lust for children. I do have OCD but this isn't false memory, other than some parts, but it makes it harder to shake off as my OCD runs a million and one regretful thoughts through my head.

Please help, any advice would be appreciated.

My blunt assessment?

Forget about it, it's the past.

Thirteen year old boys, in my experience, are uncivilised little horndogs. That are always finding new ways to get off, and will do all sorts of things, including your story. If sexuality was even behind it- kids can do things just out of meanness, after all, and not even realise what they're doing, or why. I hate to quote Bill Cosby, seeing as he's been in a lot of hot water these days, but kids... are brain damaged.

Thirteen/fourteen year old kids in general, can be little monsters. That may not be politically correct, but it is succinct: you're not a small child, and you're not an older teenager with at least a passing concept of adult, socially acceptable behaviour. You're in between in your own little pubescent hell and you don't know that the bloody heck you're doing half the time. That's my take on it, from my experiences and memories of being a 13/14 y/o boy.

Generally speaking, no harm done, most of the time. If nothing came of it, then it's probably nothing. So stop worrying, if you can- don't let this eat you up and don't let your OCD latch onto it. Kids do mean crappy things to each other all the time. Usually minor, I'd like to think, and this probably qualifies as such. I generally say, what happens in adolescence, stays in adolescence. You know better, now, and have no proclivities towards pedophilia, and you hadn't done anything a million other 13 y/o boys haven't probably done, out of boredom, horniness, meanness, or a dozen other reasons. It's over and done with, mijo. You're not that 13 y/o anymore, don't let him weigh you down.

I'm going through a tough time as well. I, too, did something I am utterly ashamed of today. When I was 13 I lay on top of my 5 year old cousin. It happened twice at the same day. After that day nothing similar happened and before that day nothing of that nature had happened. I don't know why I did what Did. I'm truly and deeply ashamed and regret. It had never crossed my mind until 2 months ago and when it surfaced I felt like dying. I am not attracted to children at all. I would never never never do that again. I'm 18 today. Talking to someone is not an option either since I would be labeled as a child molester which would definitely lead me to do end my life. I'm sorry I didn't say a really helpful thing but I just want you to know that you are not alone. Hopefully we'll ger over this.

Don't spend so much time trying to "forgive yourself". It doesn't work. But aside from that, I don't think there is anything to forgive, since you aren't the same person you were in your early teens. That 13 year old boy is no more.

If you could somehow meet the 13 year old "you", I'm sure you would talk some sense into him, with firmness, but also with compassion.

A lot of our behaviour, especially when young, is as good as unconscious. Self awareness can't simply be conjured into existence by our will. It has to be awakened and evolve. Growing older takes care of a lot of this, but the mistake we make is to see the past not just as a lesson and an aid to becoming more self aware, but as a way of defining our current self.

In reality, while the past can clearly influence present behaviour, it cannot define who you are right now UNLESS you identify with your past self as the same as your present self.

Try to break down this illusion of a perpetual self and be honest about how much of that 13 year old boy really exists in this moment.

Ask the question, does it really make sense to call that 13 year old boy "me"?