Sexual encounter at 15 eating away at me

Hi all

I hope you don't mind reading as I have something I really need to get off my chest

We're going back nearly 13 years when I myself was 15 and the girl in question was also 15. She was the first girl I'd ever experienced anything sexual with. We would meet up locally and do things together (mainly foreplay with hands) she was more experienced than me so I basically used to follow her lead. After a couple of months it led to sex after her asking me if I could get a condom from anywhere. ( I think I stole one from my older brothers bedroom) anyway, we continued these encounters for another couple of months, before this one time we met up and I thought I would be the one to try and start things off, I began pleasuring her with my hands, she told me to stop, I thought she was teasing me again. I did stop briefly but then carried on. I'd say the whole encounter lasted around 30 seconds. Anyway, the next day we were talking on a messaging app and she said I was rough and that she didn't want what had happened. I was horrified and very confused (for some reason thought she was enjoying what was happening)

I guess I just didn't read the situation very well at all I met up with her again once after that occasion but nothing sexual happened.
I feel so guilty and scared that I've traumatised her and that this has ruined her life and it will come back and ruin mine.

I have her as a friend on Facebook and it doesn't seem like my actions that day have had an effect on her but I can't help but wonder. I feel like asking her all about it and apologising,but she's had a fairly recent tragedy in her life involving the death of a very young child so I don't think she needs me bothering her with my worries.

If I makes any difference, I have severe pocd. But this event actually happened, this is not a product of my ocd. Or could my ocd be making this appear much worse than it actually is?

Thanks for reading.

Dear Pea,

First off, thank you for posting. It takes guts to own up to what you did. You aren't a rapist and since you were both 15 you certainly aren't a pedophile. Secondly, you were a kid yourself. Our brains keep changing and maturing up up until our mid-20s. On a very real and physical level you are *not* the same person as you were then. This is not an excuse or a story. It is scientific fact.

It sounds like you crossed a line/ make your partner uncomfortable. Some people would say you committed sexual assault. It was not monstrous, but it was wrong and regrettable. It was not so terrible that you deserve to feel badly about it forever. Try to speak to yourself like you would another 15-year-old boy in that situation. You might talk sternly to them, but you certainly wouldn't want them to be hurt or locked away. You'd want them to learn.

As such, I honestly think the best thing you can do to make moral amends (and restore your own self-worth) is to help teach others, especially kids, about good consent practices. Here in Britain there is a charity called Sexpression that does this - maybe there is something similar where you are?

I agree with you that now is not the time to talk with your friend about what happened since she is undergoing a period of grief. If you do decide to write her an apology or ask if she wants to say or do anything with regards to what you did, then please do so after a few months. Also, I would strongly encourage you to read this booklet first:
http://www.phillyspissed.net/node/36

I seriously respect you for trying to address and be accountable for this. The fact is that there are hundreds of thousands of ignorant kids who have done the same thing you did (I did something similar when I was several years older than you were) who tried to justify it to themselves. Some people may even say they want to execute/ torture rapists, while having done something similar in their own past [so don't automatically trust those who shout the loudest online]. Over the last decade there has been a gradual shift to an understanding that sexual assault and rape do not always (or indeed, most often) involve physical force or a victim who is passed out.

One of the best pieces of writing I've read online about this is Doone Woodtac, who says:

To top all of that off there’s the vast gray zone between being labeled a rapist and not being a rapist. The stigma of the word makes it really hard for young men to own up to non-consensual sex. Rape sounds like such a violent word, and when men reflect on events and note the stark absence of violence, they may admit it was non-consensual, but they will not call it a rape. Even though those things are equivalent. Men who don’t take their victims by violence or overt coercion struggle to identify the event as an act of rape. For them, rapist means something else, something that’s clearly wrong, something that’s obvious. For them, rape can’t simply be having sex with someone who isn’t struggling against you, sex with someone who just lays there without participating, sex with someone who hasn’t shown interest, but who appears to allow it to happen. I think most of the time, these are what typical rapes look like.

The vast majority of people who have committed such an act will repress it or find excuses as to why it wasn't that bad or illegal. The fact that you have chosen not to do that shows you have integrity and moral strength. As such, you cannot be a monster. There is goodness in you. Hold onto that and try to spread this message to others when you can and you will feel this goodness and peace expand and keep you floating above the dark waters of anxiety and guilt!

Very best regards,
Sprock

Hi sprock

Thanks so much for the reply, reading it gave me a little bit of self worth. I even managed to crack abit of a smile afterwards, first time in a while.

I've spoken to family members about it and the general response I got was "kids ay" so your post was a huge breath of informative fresh air

I am also in the UK so that charity is definitely something I
Will look at.

You have made me realise that although what I did was wrong, maybe I'm so such a monster after all and maybe I'm not alone. Although I believe I should be punished, maybe I don't deserve to live out my days feeling like this, the last 5 years of my life have past me by in an instant. I have a wife and 2 daughters and looking back I've missed a lot of things simply because I couldn't drag my sorry a*** out of bed.

So thank you sprock, maybe it is time for me to move forward.

That crack of hope (and even humour) opening up is definitely something that can and should widen and grow into some kind of self-forgiveness. That doesn't mean you tell yourself you did nothing wrong, but that you treat yourself fairly and with compassion and keep what you did in perspective. You are not a monster. Nope. No way. No how. And you are a lot less alone that you think. You need to be there for your wife and kids and a bloke doesn't deserve to have his life taken away from him because of something he did as an ignorant kid!

Sexpression are definitely good. Even sending a small donation there way might be a nice idea - or else there are probably similar groups/ charities who do similar educational work with the young! It's definitely a good step forward.

All very best,
Sprock

Hey sprock, just checking in with a quick update, I have spoken to the girl in question as i realised the tragedy in her life had happened a little longer ago. So out of shear desperation I went for it.

She was very nice about it, I explained my worries and she said not to worry. She was very honest and said she couldn't really remember exactly what had happened between us but from what she could remember I never did anything to hurt her. She also said that if I remember hurting her, not to worry about it as we were young kids exploring each other.

After years of tormenting myself I honestly feel like I am ready to start living again. I have been incredibly hard on myself and I now realise I didn't deserve it.

Me and the girl have now become quite good friends and I've even helped her along abit with her problems.

So I'd like to thank you sprock for giving me the guts to stand up and face this and for essentially giving me my life back. I've scrolled these forums for years and I thought about logging out for the last time, but I feel maybe after my own expierience I could stay around and try to help others in some way?

Thanks again
Pea

Aw! That's tremendous! And thank you so much for coming back as your message gave me a massive smile!

And yes, please do stick around and offer help/ support when you can! Really so glad you feel like you are living again and that you also got a friendship out of this and, what is more, have genuinely helped the person you were worried you hurt. Really glad!

Very best,
Sprock

Reading this brought a smile to my face too