Feeling Like I'm A Monster

Hello, I am Shih Tzu Lover, and I am new to this forum. I feel intense remorse and anxiety because I had an urge to harm my loved ones. First I got the thought to do it, but I wasn't worried because it was only a thought. But then I felt an urge, as if I actually wanted to do it. This has been ruining my life. I do not have any disorders. Can anyone relate?

Hello there, welcome!

I'm the moderator that approved your post- and I decided to leave in in Remorse, but I'd like to ask you if you have a history of anxiety? You say you have no disorders, do you find yourself worrying a lot? Checking things frequently, such as door locks, windows, etc?

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and one of the ways it presents to me is that I have unwanted thoughts about harming loved ones- it's popularly called Harm OCD, on account of that being the thing I'm obsessed with thinking about. I feel as if I'm going to, or that I want to, or that I will not be able to stop myself from doing it, etc.

Snaga wrote:Hello there, welcome!

I'm the moderator that approved your post- and I decided to leave in in Remorse, but I'd like to ask you if you have a history of anxiety? You say you have no disorders, do you find yourself worrying a lot? Checking things frequently, such as door locks, windows, etc?

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and one of the ways it presents to me is that I have unwanted thoughts about harming loved ones- it's popularly called Harm OCD, on account of that being the thing I'm obsessed with thinking about. I feel as if I'm going to, or that I want to, or that I will not be able to stop myself from doing it, etc.

So I did some research on harm OCD and came across intrusive thoughts. They sound like what I'm having but I keep doubting it's an intrusive thought. Is it possible to suffer from intrusive thoughts without OCD? And what makes a thought intrusive?

It is definitely possible to suffer from 'pure O' i.e. just the thoughts without the compulsions. TBH as a fellow sufferer I think that my compulsions are mostly reassuring comfort rituals I do to try to impose order on the world and my brain.

Intrusive, meaning you don't wish to have them, and they distress you. You don't want these thoughts, and they bother you- which, in the case of OCD, means a person is more likely to keep thinking them: my harm thoughts scare me, so I worry about them, try not to think them....

It's a very fine skill, being able to not think about a thought, without thinking about it...

I believe the term for intrusive thoughts such as presents with 'pure-o', is 'egodystonic'.

The way I personally look at it, is my harm thoughts are not me; I don't want them; they do not reflect who I am as a person- that last one is hard to do, sometimes, because if I'm thinking them, I must be like that, right? It's hard- not saying what you have is OCD (sounds like it, though)- but it's hard with OCD, in my experience, to separate thoughts that come and go, from my core being.

I've read that everyone gets harm thoughts. Everyone think about hurting, killing, everyone gets that sudden urge to push their s/o off a cliff, if they happen to be standing on one. I find that hard to believe, but that's what they say. So, if that's the case, and yet we manage to get thru lives without acting on every violent impulse, then I remind myself that maybe I'm not so bad, after all.

I'm not going to worry about killing someone, until I do it- that's how I live with harm thoughts. And that takes a lot of the fright out of them, I refuse to worry, and I refuse to care about having the thoughts, and I refuse to worry that I might do it. If I do, I do. I've had these thoughts for 40+ years, and so far, I haven't. I'm not going to let these thoughts bother me any more than I have to, I think it's safe to say if I haven't acted on them in all this time, they're all bark, and no bite.

Thank you. These posts have helped a lot. The other thing that scares me is that I sometimes feel unwanted feelings of pleasure when I see someone in pain in a movie. What makes a person a sadist?

-- Thu Sep 01, 2016 8:14 pm --

If I am watching a movie, and there is a character that I kinda like (lust), I ha be this disturbing desire for that character to feel pain, the more the better. The worst part is that I was okay with these thoughts at first ( they started when I was 11) . These thoughts are distressful and cause anxiety and remorse. Do I sound like a dangerous sadist? Please try to be both honest and comforting in your answers.

Well, if there's a dark side to you, what of it, unless you actually do something to someone? I get urges to do cruel things, other people get urges, but actions speak louder than words, or in this case, thoughts.

Have you talked to a professional about any of this? It could be that such thoughts stem from something that, were it to be uncovered, and you understand what is going on, then you would not be disturbed by them.

Hi, is suffering from intrusive thoughts without any disorders possible? Just wondering.

If they bother you, then I'd argue there's something of a disorder going on. People without OCD, get the same thoughts sometimes, but they might not even notice it, or immediately shrug/laugh it off as a silly stray thought. When I don't, because I take my thoughts very seriously.

Hi. My anxiety has gotten a lot better. However, there is still one thing that stresses me out. I over thought about my intrusive thoughts, and now I feel like I really want that loved one I had the urge to stab dead. The more I worry about it , the desire gets stronger. Not an urge, but a desire. Any explanation?

-- Sun Sep 25, 2016 9:46 pm --

Hi, my intrusive thoughts started differently than others. It didn't randomly pop up. I deliberately thought of stabbing someone, thinking I wouldn't do such a thing. But the thought seems to have triggered an urge to act out the thought. Would this still count as an intrusive thought?