My story, please don't judge me

Hey everyone,

I'm a 19 year old male, I have OCD (although not diagnosed I match all symptoms) and I have been plagued by my past the last few days, to the point where I can't eat, sleep or interact normally.

When I was around 13/14, I often used to go around my friends house (we are no longer friends) and we would just go into his room and play video games, watch youtube etc. However, my mind is telling me that one day, his little brother who was i'm sure about 6-8 at the time came into the room

My memory seems to suggest that he got into the bed and all I can remember is me "dry humping" him, I am not sure if this is true, If it is true, I know that it was fully clothed, no further touching was made and that it only lasted a very short time. It could either be that, or a time where he was loud in the morning or annoying me through the day so i pinned him down and shouted at him, something similar.

My memory is very blurry about this situation which makes it worse as I can't conclude what happened and just have to go off blurred memories.

I don't have any attraction to children, at all, whatsoever, I don't have any fantasies, i do NOT have an interest in child pornography or anything similar.

I feel alone, isolated, ashamed and scared, I can't tell my girlfriend or my parents or any of my family as they will all judge me, hate me and want nothing to do with me, I know this for sure!

I haven't attended therapy, I don't know what they could offer and I'm afraid they will tell people because they deem me a danger.

What can I do? I think about it all the time and It is draining me, I can't eat, I have headaches, I just feel like a disgusting pedophile.

You are clearly not a paedophile and this sounds like OCD to me. You are catastrophizing - imagining the worst version in your head must have taken place and, perhaps more importantly, assuming that if it is true your parents/ girlfriend etc. would no longer love you. I do not believe for an instant this is true.

If you did dry hump your friend's younger sibling, it sounds likely that it was within a context of "horseplay" (I kind of hate that term, but in this case it sounds appropriate) since you were clothed and it does not sound as though the intent was sexual. There was no genital contact and no penetration. That isn't to say that such behaviour would be appropriate, but I very much doubt it would have traumatised your friend's brother. I cannot speak for him here, but this really sounds like something you should move on from and forgive yourself for. (If, indeed, it happened).

Have you tried having a screening for OCD?

I am currently receiving no treatment for my OCD

it's like sometimes I'll feel okay and be able to accept that I was young and it was a mistake and it doesn't mean I'm a paedophile etc

But then others it'll hit me hard and I'll look at others and think "they haven't done what I've done, they're not evil" "i wish I didn't have this guilt"

My girlfriend has a brother who is 6 years old (I'm 19 now) I feel nothing towards him, I know I'm not attracted to children and I wouldn't even think of doing what I did back then now, he has sat on the bed with me and we have played card games and I've played with him on the computer etc and I've never had an urge to repeat what may have happened when I was fourteen

I just keep getting told by my mind that I've done this and that, it's so convincing and it's even trying to convince me I've done something with my girlfriends brother which I know for a million percent I have not, it's just such a horrible, low time for me, I feel so alone and sick of myself

It's anxiety latching onto something taboo. You clearly aren't a paedophile and you haven't done anything unforgivable. Perhaps consider getting screened/ treatment for OCD (maybe pure-O, which means you just have the obsessions, though obvs I don't know if you also hand wash/ order things/ shower in a certain order/ open and close doors etc.)

Hey, it is hard

now my mind is trying to tell me "it happened more than once" there is no proof to this, just my memory is blurred on the situation that I cannot say if there wasn't so I'm kind of believing my mind, it's making me feel terrible, it's like I can't eemember another time it happened but my mind is making a scenario where it could have, it's really confusing

-- Fri Jul 29, 2016 4:16 pm --

PLEASE HELP

I have found that whenever I start to feel better and I control my OCD will completely flip it, I am now worried that

- the friends brother will be traumatised by what (may have) happened
- that he has told someone and I will get a knock on the door from the police (although it's been around 5 years since it maybe happened

I just feel so emotionally drained I'm up and then I feel low again, what can I do to stop this guilt?

Your OCD is just trying to stop the rational part of your brain. Don't let it win.

There isn't going to be a call from the police and there aren't any indications your friend's brother is traumatised by what you did - which was stupid horseplay, not molestation.

Hey,

I have been having more ''stress free'' periods throughout the last few days, of course my OCD is still ruminating and seeking validation and confirmation on everything.

I just can't remember if I was 13/14 or 15, which is scary to think what I did if I was 15, but I just don't remember, the thing is, I remember things years before this, and after this, just not this exact incident, I remember ''what my mind is saying happened'' but I just can't find anything to support or refute it.