Extreme Guilt Over Past Action That I May Have Not Even Done

So I have never posted on this site before but I need to get this off my chest because the guilt is killing me. I have a very hard time talking about this and when I found this section of the site I figured maybe someone could give me some advice. Honestly I don't even know where to start, there's so much I want to get across.

I have an anxiety disorder that I am taking medication to treat. This anxiety makes me suddenly remember something that happened a long time ago and make me feel extremely guilty over it. I felt like I should get that out there because I'm convinced that it has had some affect on my feelings of guilt whether I should be having those feelings or not. I am a sixteen year old boy, and the thing that I'm feeling guilty about happened probably around three years ago. I say probably because I honestly can't remember when it happened.

At the time I was just discovering pornography. I don't feel guilty over watching porn because I just honestly think it's something all kids do at some point. However at this age I was looking at LOTS of porn mostly out of curiosity. In that curiosity I remember distinctly searching for child porn. Now I wasn't looking for the type of child porn that probably popped into your head. Since I was younger I think I wanted to see how kids my age had sex with other kids my age. I distinctly remember typing in the words "teen porn" into some search engine. Then sickeningly I remember feeling disappointed when that didn't bring up what I was looking for. The teen porn that came up was of people aged 18 and up, and I remember thinking something like "No, I want to see kids my age having sex.". So I typed child porn into the search bar. I searched for a little while and nothing came up. I remember feeling disappointed again. At the time I don't think I knew what I was doing was wrong and horribly illegal. In fact one of the things that's bothering me is that I not only knew and also didn't care. Anyway after that my memory gets a little fuzzy. I remember around that time watching a porn video with a guy in it who could have been a teenager. I also remember turning it off soon after it started but for the life of me, I can't remember why. That by the way, is another one of my fears that I feel guilty about, what if that was a child porn video and I watched it and I didn't care. I only did those things this one time and I would never do them now. I think child porn is an absolutely horrible thing that should be erased from all existence. But my guilt tells me that I'm just as bad as the creepy, evil, pedophiles you see on tv all the time.

This has been bothering me for months now. I don't know what you'll think of me when you read this. My parents are always telling me what a great kid I am and how lucky they are to have me for a child. The whole time I can only think that I'm some evil jerk not worthy of the praise and their love. If you think I'm a horrible person I don't blame you I feel like a horrible person. Anyway some advice or just some general thoughts would be nice. If you read this far down the ramblings of someone who doesn't deserve your concern I appreciate it. Thank You.

Thank you for your post and apologies for the slight delay in responding to it.

The fact is, you are still just a kid yourself. It was and is totally normal for you to be attracted to other kids your age. What you did was stupid, but it was done in good faith. You are **absolutely not** the same as an adult who abuses a child. It also seems like you did not come across any child pornography. I know (from having younger siblings and also the news) a lot of kids your age here in Britain get involved in sexting... not so horrifying when everyone involved is on board with it, but wrong and exploitative when a guy sends nude images given to him by his girlfriend to other guys without her permission, or else pressures a girl into making such images.

That's the kind of child pornography offence committed by kids your own age that should produce guilt.

Not only were you a young kid, you didn't do anything exploitative. It's just a sad fact that most children's first exposure to sex is now through online pornography and without decent sex education that teaches about enthusiastic consent and the differences between porn and reality (etc.) it's not surprising (and actually makes logical sense) that kids will be trying to find images of other kids their own age doing stuff.

What I hope is that you realise that you are ***not the same*** as a child-molesting pedophile. End of. It is just obsessive thoughts making you feel that way. But just because you feel anxious doesn't make it true. You are the great kid your parents see you as for sure!

P.S. I also hope that when you reach 18 you can draw a line under the sand as you deserve to since then you will be an adult and a different person to your "child self". Best of luck!