Molested my Sister: TW

TRIGGER WARNING

Hi all, I need to get this off my chest.

So when I was 12 the world was a confusing place. Dad had just left home and mum was having an alcohol fuelled breakdown due to her mother having terminal cancer. There was no love in our home. Mum was abusive and I was alone a lot as a child. I'm the eldest of four children. But none of these factors can excuse what I did.

It started out as experimentation. It was exciting, consensual and whilst I knew it was wrong, I wasn't aware of the psychological impacts this kind of stuff has until I got older.

At the age of 12 I sexually abused my sister (who was 10 at the time). It was disgusting, wrong and completely messed up. I'm aware of that. This included regular masturbation together, fondling and oral sex. Whilst it was consensual, I am aware it was abusive as I was the instigator and was manipulative using blackmail etc.this lasted for around 18 months (it was repeated)

I feel sickening guilt for these actions and am truly sorry for what I did. No excuses, no buts, it was plain wrong. I have told my sister this and apologised to her face-to-face and talked with her in depth about it. However, I cannot forgive myself. I can't imagine the fear and confusion she must have felt and will now feel going forward in life.

I'm 22 now (she's just turned 20) and neither of us seems to be coping well. I can't barely leave the house due to anxiety, PTSD, OCD and dissociation. She seems to be doing better but still has weight management issues and often has relationship problems.

Look, I know what I did was unforgivable and disgusting. I was supposed to be a caring older brother when she needed me most. But I wasn't. I'm not looking for justifications. I just want an answer. How can I overcome this? I have tried 4 therapists now. None of them have helped properly. I know suicide is a very real option but I feel that is only more damaging to my family. I have confided this story with 2 friends and my dad all of whom say I should just let go and enjoy life. But I can't. I guess this is punishment for what I did.

Please. I need help. Anyone been in a similar situation and found a way out of this darkness? I have been living with these flashback and nightmares for over 3 years now and the thought of having fun feels like I don't deserve it. My sex life is non existent because it feels so dirty and wrong. My mind is messed up and feel like there's no way back. Please help

You are one of tens maybe hundreds in this sub-forum alone so I hope just reading some other threads to know that you are not alone will help in some way.

Most important is that you do not commit suicide. Though it may seem like the easiest way out and a permanent solution, that just passes all the pain on to your sister, which is the last thing you want to do.

It strikes me that your sister is getting along psychologically better than you are. That suggests to me that she has not been as permanently traumatised as you suggest. I think apologising to her straight-up shows a real degree of courage on your part. Since you are still in contract I get the impression that she has at least forgiven you to a degree? It seems as though she has more compassion and understanding for where you were at the time and why you did what you did than you do. Please try to extend that compassion to yourself. You were a young, scared and confused kid. These are factors. It is not right that an adult should have to carry the burden of their actions as a child forever. On a very real biological level you are a different person now to who you were then. You can regret, without loathing yourself.

I think the best solution (which is slow and life-long, but will help by degrees) is to get out into the world by volunteering and doing what you can to make your sister happy. You can do this.

Thanks sprock. I cried when I read that. Thanks for listening and talking to me as I'm really down right now.

Yeah she said she has forgiven me. We can hug and talk like normal now and joke and laugh etc.. It doesn't feel as weird as it once did. I'm very glad for that.. And I think she does understand yes. Problem is that I don't. I feel like an awful child molesterer that deserves death. My rational brain understands this is somewhat an overreaction but internally my subconscious and emotions just won't let me forgive. Therefore when people say you need to move on and live life etc, I do understand but can't seem to do it no matter how hard I try.

This has literally drained my entire enjoyment out of life. I've had possibly 3-4 times in the past 3 years when my head has felt like it did before this mess. And even then it only lasted 10-15 minutes. Counselling isn't working either. I'm at a lost end here. And yes I agree with you on suicide. It would only make matters worse for everyone. I do want to help others and am thinking about dedicating my career to helping sufferers of abuse/addiction. The only thing is, I just want to know will I ever be able to enjoy freedom happiness and excitement etc again? The thought of living with this nightmare for another 40-60 years or so makes me think whether it's really all worth it. Mindfulness is helping somewhat but not tackling the route of the problem.

So my question is.. As a moderator here. Have you experienced people who after many years have been able to let go and free themselves from their own mental slavery? If so, any advice on how I can tackle this would be greatly appreciated..

And once again... Thank you. you don't understand what this means to me. Having some1 to talk to anonymously

Whatsinside wrote:Thanks sprock. I cried when I read that. Thanks for listening and talking to me as I'm really down right now.

Any time ~ it's very much what I'm here for!

Yeah she said she has forgiven me. We can hug and talk like normal now and joke and laugh etc.. It doesn't feel as weird as it once did. I'm very glad for that.. And I think she does understand yes.

This is the most important thing. Your sister is the only person who can forgive you (how can anyone else forgive or not forgive you when you have not harmed them?) and she has done so. It is a great gift she has given you so please try to open your heart to it.

The fact that you can hug and talk like normal and joke and laugh and it doesn't feel as weird as it once did means that there *has* been positive change for you. Incremental change, yes, but change none-the-less.

I feel like an awful child molesterer that deserves death.

Just cause you feel something doesn't mean it is true. You absolutely do not deserve death. Any adult or culture that would sentence a 12-year-old to death is far, far worse than any 12-year-old child could ever be. End of.

My rational brain understands this is somewhat an overreaction but internally my subconscious and emotions just won't let me forgive. Therefore when people say you need to move on and live life etc, I do understand but can't seem to do it no matter how hard I try.

I relate very strongly to this, as I'm sure most people in this sub-forum do. What's more likely to be right? Your rational brain or your irrational obsessive feelings that contradict what your sister, your friends, family, and people online are telling you?

This has literally drained my entire enjoyment out of life. I've had possibly 3-4 times in the past 3 years when my head has felt like it did before this mess. And even then it only lasted 10-15 minutes.

Same here over the last 6 years, m'friend... specifically for about 20 minutes following when my victim told me that she didn't consider my behaviour child molestation and gave me permission to move on. It was literally as though a great weight had been lifted from me. For about 10-15 minutes after my partner first said she loved me. After receiving an astonishing compassionate email from an amazing feminist blogger I really respect. And that may well be it...

But compromised happiness or a genuine smile despite the pain ***isn't nothing***

And we guilty folk in here who did something stupid to feel like this are hardly alone... the same must be true (if not more so) for many parents whose children have died; those in extreme chronic pain; people in prison, esp. solitary isolation; people living under a vicious dictatorship.

It is the wide-spread commonality of this terrible feeling that surely led to the idea of 'The Fall' in Christianity. We're not alone!

I used to relate strongly to a line Mephistopheles says in Marlowe's Dr. Faustus:

Think’st thou that I who saw the face of God,
And tasted the eternal joys of Heaven,
Am not tormented with ten thousand hells,
In being depriv’d of everlasting bliss?

But, y'know, I wasn't all that happy before I felt guilty... I just didn't appreciate how good I'd got it.

Secondly, I'd rather be anxious and unhappy and living in truth and no longer a risk to anyone, than happy yet un-self reflective, ignorant and potentially abusive.

Being called out - whether by someone else or your own conscience - is a gift, for how else could you work on yourself?

You've clearly become a decent, careful and compassionate person. You are simply not the same person you were as a 12-year-old. And since one's brain keeps growing and developing and changing significantly until one is 25ish this is literally true.

It might seem a bit bleak for me to say "Things have gotten better since I just accepted that I'll never be the same as I was before I felt guilty/ was abusive" but that letting go has helped. It's helped me to feel less melodramatic and self-mythologising and realise that my happiness and peace really isn't the centre of the world. So that - when those rare moments of uncompromised happiness come to me - I appreciate them for what they are and am thankful.

Counselling isn't working either.

It often hasn't worked for me either. But it is very, very much a matter of finding a good counsellor who works for you and understands where you are coming from. So, if you can, please keep trying.

And yes I agree with you on suicide. It would only make matters worse for everyone.

I'm really glad you recognise this. Because however much you might want to kid yourself that it isn't true, it is.

I do want to help others and am thinking about dedicating my career to helping sufferers of abuse/addiction. The only thing is, I just want to know will I ever be able to enjoy freedom happiness and excitement etc again? The thought of living with this nightmare for another 40-60 years or so makes me think whether it's really all worth it. Mindfulness is helping somewhat but not tackling the route of the problem.

Then less talking, more doing!

Seriously, look up if you can do any volunteering close to home and research into how you might go about changing your career path.

You ask whether you will ever be able to enjoy freedom and happiness and excitement again?

Well, first of all, **you have** ... yes, in short bursts, but adults only ever really experience these things in short bursts.

Will you ever enjoy them completely and constantly? I don't know - possibly - certainly more often than you do now.

But I think the most important thing is to stop thinking about it in a black/white way. You can and will feel more at ease and more at peace with yourself.

At the moment I'm sitting here writing my response listening to Beethoven's piano sonatas with the sun blazing in through the window. Do I feel happy? Not really Not exactly. But I don't feel like a monster and I feel I have a right to be here. The sun feels good against my skin. I feel guilty, yes, but I simultaneously feel helpful. I can wave my arms about in the air (and just did so!) and I can go and walk outside if I want to. 3.5 or 4.0 out of 10 maybe... but so what? That's liveable.

As a moderator here. Have you experienced people who after many years have been able to let go and free themselves from their own mental slavery? If so, any advice on how I can tackle this would be greatly appreciated..

Yep! Or, at least, I've had private messages from people saying that they feel much, much better. That doesn't mean they've never felt bad again, but it seems like they've experienced some release.

As for tackling it - I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all solution. Sadly there's not just a button you can press. Learning and accountability are life-long processes... it's like a slow walk into the light that doesn't guarantee that you've ever find yourself wholly immersed in rays of sunshine, but does guarantee that you can look back and see how far you've come.

As you've said yourself, mindfulness helps a bit. Generally I find meditation works much, much better for me outdoors. Hugs help. And volunteering does too.

More important, focus on your sister's forgiveness. It is not good, wise or moral for you to refuse it. You may not feel you deserve it, but that's not your judgement call to make.

Hi Sprock!

Sorry for the late reply.. I really wanted to sit down and write a proper response. Not one that was halfhearted. And also Ive been rather busy the past week and trying to have a bit of time away from these boards. They don't do me too much good when I spend a lot of time on them.

Also, just want to say a big thank you for your message. It was long, detailed, and packed full of useful advice. I will use it as a reference for when I'm in a really bad place.

Anyway, how have you been? Tbh I've had a bit of a better week this week. I have managed to actually leave the house a couple of times. However, the feeling of numbness etc is obviously still there.

Yes you're right. There has been a positive change in our relationship. Even though it can be rocky at times and it still doesn't feel 100% natural and normal to hug her, it is certainly better than it was years ago. I think she feels this too, which is good. I want to be someone she can trust and rely on, not the opposite, and I think this is happening. I know with certainty that she trusts me more than she trusts our father. He left when we were 9 and she places a lot of blame on him for that (partly because our mum had multiple breakdowns in the following years).

As for the rational vs irrational (consciousness vs unconsciousness) thing I described in my original post, whilst I have accepted this is partly due to OCD. But still I have no strategies or methods to overcome it, partly what makes me feel so lost.

Also, I think the majority of the fear and trauma I feel around this is speculative. I mean, the worst bit about it for me is knowing I hurt my sister obviously. However, there is also a kind of selfish aspect to it in terms of not wanting people to find out. The thought of the whole town knowing what I did literally makes me feel so shameful that I want to just curl up and hide. I hope I can overcome this fear as I realise its not productive in this situation. But it still plays on my mind nonetheless. I sometimes feel like I would feel better if the whole world knew. But obviously I know this isn't possible and I know its almost certainly not what my sister wants, and her needs come before mine in regards to this.

Your points about only feeling truly free for like 10-20 minutes I completely relate to. Its awful isn't it? What makes it worse is that we get shown for even just the slightest period of time what we could feel like if it weren't for this mess. And then BAM! back to grey emotionless anxious life. But at least we know its still there, inside.. somewhere...

And yes maybe your right, its better to be aware and unhappy than ignorant, selfish and happy. Because this life isn't just about ourselves. Its about everyone around us and the human race.

In terms of therapy, Im glad Im not alone. Am I correct in saying you live in the UK? I do, and the NHS has been awful. They see therapy as the ultimate (and sometimes only treatment) which makes me feel even worse when it doesn't work and they can't understand why. I think most of it is due to a protective mechanism which wont allow me to remember or engage with it. If I cant even get past that wall, how can I expect someone else to?

And yes, I would love to help everyone going through these issues. Both victims and perpetrators. Anyone in this mess who wants to make a change deserves help and I would love to help them..

I get the impression we are quite similar y'know.. good at giving out advice and seeing the positives in other people and their stories. However, when it comes to ourselves we feel like its a completely different situation and that we are bad people and deserve worse than others.

Also its good to know that you have heard success stories. It makes it all worth fighting for.

I can't thank you enough for your message. It really helps. Please stay in touch.

P.S. moonlight sonata is a great choice. Such a beautiful piece of music. I have been trying to learn it the past few weeks

Your message made me smile... we do seem like similar people, you are right! You are also absolutely correct in thinking I live in the UK. Sadly the NHS is so over-burdened that it struggles terribly with mental health issues. There is also the awful catch 22 situation that to internalise and accept the message of self-compassion that a good therapist provides, you need to believe that you deserve to feel that self-compassion... which you don't believe if you don't love yourself!! **rolling eyes**

I am glad you recognise that things are better with your sister, if not entirely the same. I think if you continued to be supportive, over the years that gap will grow smaller and smaller still.

As to coping techniques, I'm actually really happy to read that you play an instrument as I think doing something that uses your hands and requires concentration is an excellent way to distract and steady your mind.

You are doing well, m'friend. You (and me!) just need to keep on walking