I feel remorse over something I may or may not have done

I already posted this in another thread, but I'm just so confused right now. For the past five months I've been having trouble figuring out how to deal with POCD, even if it is that. I may just be a sick freak who knows. People on this board have been very friendly and helpful and I've almost got myself convinced that I'm not attracted to younger people because I am legitimately in love with someone who is much older than me and I know how physically attracted to her I am.

Within the past few weeks I've had a falling out with two of my closest friends and it's driving what I think is my anxiety up the wall. Then I started to think that maybe they found out some deep dark secret about me and that led me to searching through my mind on what I could've done and that led me back to an incident when I was somewhere between the ages of 13-15.

My parents were divorced and I used to visit my dad every other weekend. My half sister is five years younger than me and she and I would always hang around each other at the house. I remember her sleeping next to me one night and me being very aroused by it and I'm like almost positive I didn't touch her inappropriately even if I really wanted to. But now I'm convinced that maybe there was a chance I did while she was sleeping and it's absolutely tearing me apart. I know how sexually confused I was back then because I would get extremely aroused when I slept in the same bed as my best friend, who is a guy. The fact of the matter is I'm almost 100% sure I never touched her, but there's that doubt in the back of my mind and it's tearing me up.

I know for a fact that I like women my age and older, because I mentally can't handle being around younger women even if their attractive. I'm 27 now and I know for a fact that I would never, ever, inappropriately touch a child. I know who I'm in love with, but I know I don't deserve her because I'm a sick and twisted person. I try to convince myself that I'm not a bad person and I really do want to be a good person because there are people who look up to me ( I know that sounds like an egotistical thing to say) and I don't want to let them down. But these images keep popping into my head that maybe you did this to her without her knowing and you deserve to die for it. She and I have a good relationship to this day and it makes me sick that I've had all of these taboo feelings. I don't know if it stems from the porn I've looked at throughout the years. All the way from transgendered to gay porn, even though I know I'm a straight man, or if it's just because I'm a sick freak. I'm at an end mentally and I know I need professional help, but in my area of the the United States there isn't a good OCD Specialist. But maybe I don't have OCD and that's just my way of coping with these horrible thoughts and feelings I've had in the past. Maybe I'm saying these things because deep down inside I'm a manipulative person and I don't realize it.

I do know with all of my heart that I love this women and there is nothing that I've wanted more than her. I'm not a religious person, but maybe it's gods way of telling me that I need to isolate myself and stay away from people because I don't deserve her. I'm just at an end and I needed to vent and speak my thoughts. I'm sorry if everyone here thinks I'm a monster and I deserve to die, but I had to vent somewhere. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Yeah, sounds like OCD guilt. You have a memory and your OCD is trying to convince you that you did something wrong, so it keeps forcing you to replay the scenario in your head over and over again. Have you tried going to a therapist, even if they aren't specialized in dealing with OCD cases? My therapist recommended recognizing that every intrusive thought is simply that: a thought, and that it is just your fear of being a bad person making you feel anxiety, and visualising it as a leaf or something floating past your head.

tessallate94 wrote:visualising it as a leaf or something floating past your head.

That's how I spend 5 minutes a day visualizing thoughts. Just as though they are a leaf or bubble floating through my field of vision, allow whatever thought I have to happen and affect me however it affects me. This seems to gradually work for me.

I really appreciate the advice, my mindset right now is just me trying to convince myself that I didn't do it. But there's that doubt and it's creating paranoia because I think everybody knows. If it is OCD, then I give people kudos for dealing with it better than me.

If you are 99.99% sure you didn't do anything, trust that, because that is the logical part of your mind that knows the truth. It is just obsessive thinking caused by the anxiety of the fall-out with your friends that has caused this doubt. You are not sick and twisted. It is a real shame you do not have access to an OCD specialist, but there are lots of C.B.T. sites online that might help you.

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/step1.htm

Thank you for that link. I'll definitely check it out, I think the main problem I'm having is that I'm not even 99.99% sure. I'm not going to deal with percentages, but I'm almost certain I never did. I feel like I'm starting to convince myself more and more everyday that there's a better chance I did. I'm almost certain I never did, but still that doubt is bothering me. I question myself all the time now about whether I actually feel remorse or if I'm just a manipulative person. I really wish I could be like other people and not have millions of different thoughts all of the time. I'm just trying to figure out ways to deal with it better and I appreciate all of the advice.

There's no need to feel remorse about something you never did!

I honestly think you are plaguing your mind over a non-existent event. You feel deeply anxious and you your brain is searching for a cause.