Am I a bad person?

Ok so here goes.. After a few stressful triggers I've been going through periods of trying to find anything at all from my past to try and convince myself that I'm a bad person and constantly beating myself up. I've been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and strong guilt complex by my doctor and have been to a few counselling sessions to try and control these bouts. I really have been trying to get better because my worst fear is that I may disappoint and lose those I care about most because at present how I'm feeling is affecting everything.

However the one thing that is really disturbing me and making me feel as if I am unworthy of going on living is this. Whenever I was a small child of about 5/6 I jumped on top of my brother who would've been about 2/3 at the time. I had seen a few sexual acts between a man and a woman on tv, nothing too graphic but enough for it to intrigue me so I was trying to copy what I had seen with my brother. But because I had no real knowledge of what the act was and was just trying to imitate what I'd seen I just jumped on top of him fully clothed. However when I seen that he didn't like it I still stayed on top of him for a few moments until my Mum came into the room. I never tried anything like that again or have no recollection of it as I've been wrecking my brain for months to remember anything more but to no avail. I have confided in both my mother and my counsellor about this and they have both said that I was just an innocent child copying what I had seen or thought I'd seen on tv. However I still can't get it out of my head and am disgusted with myself that when I knew he wasn't enjoying it I still stayed on top of him. The whole incident probably only lasted about 2-3 minutes but it's been causing me months of feeling worthless as a person.

I'm terrified in case my brother remembers this and it may have caused him some kind of long term damage. I've apologised to him frequently if I done any wrongdoing to him when we were children but he either just laughs and says 'that's ok' or looks at me as if I have 20 heads. When we were little I was quite bossy towards him and maybe that's what he's referring to whenever he says 'it's ok' or maybe he really does remember that incident. I get on well with him now though and would bend over backwards to do anything I could to help him out but he's always been quite a closed and quiet person during adulthood. I also feel guilty because I recently got engaged to the love of my life whilst his 4 year relationship recently came to an end.

Any advice or other points of view would be greatly appreciated because at the moment I can't help hating myself and felling totally unworthy as a person and I just don't know what more I can do to make it right.

Hey there!

You'll noticed I've moved your post to Remorse, and left a shadow in GAD.... this is not a Dx on my part, just being a mod trying to put it where it might do the most good.

Oh my goodness, sweetie. You're not a bad person.

First off, sexual experimentation between children, with whoever is handy (siblings, cousins, friends) is common as dirt. It's considered normal. You were way too young to even know what you were doing. It's not like you were well up into the teenage years or anything. Gosh sweets, you were a child.

when I seen that he didn't like it I still stayed on top of him for a few moments until my Mum came into the room

Well, yeah, what are baby siblings for if you can't be mean to them? I had a younger stepsibling who pestered me and in return I mercilessly tormented them. That's just part of growing up. Man I've known siblings who beat each other up as kids and are best of friends as adults. Kids are going to be kids.

Even if he remembered, he'd probably think NOTHING of this. Because it's all normal. Most people would not remember it, or laugh it off. You're fine, sweets. Please stop torturing yourself over this.

Thank you for your reply Snaga, it means so much.

-- Tue May 17, 2016 11:52 pm --

Whenever I first vocalised this incident to my counsellor she did reassure me that young children are 'innocent' and that it was common for children of that age to copy what they've seen without having any realisation of what they're actually doing or copying. I can't tell you the relief and reassurance I felt that day. It was as if all the guilt and anxiety that had been crippling me for months on end had finally been eased.

However, in the space of a few days whilst randomly having a conversation with a friend about old comics I remembered that me and my brother shared the same bed for about 2 years as children. Once again this started my brain to go into panic-stricken overdrive. I feared that if I had thought this behaviour was normal when I was little perhaps I had tried to repeat it frequently during this time and hadn't remembered before because I classed it as 'play-acting' or no big deal at the time. I would obsessively try to make myself remember anything at all to the point where I would get migraines but after weeks of relentless introspection I honestly cannot to this day remember any other incident/s. But then I still fear that the memories may be suppressed. I just wish I could get my mind to quieten as such because at the moment it's as if there's this constant anxiety and self-doubt eating away at me and is constantly guilt-tripping me and making me think the absolute worst.

-- Wed May 18, 2016 5:29 pm --

Thanks again for the initial reply Snaga .

-- Wed May 18, 2016 6:07 pm --

Any other opinions or points of view on this issue or anyone who can relate in any way would be greatly appreciated because my mind is literally racing and is one step away from just looking to hand myself over to this relentless, negative control this anxiety is having over my entire mind and body.

I feel like I do not deserve happiness and maybe the best thing I could do would be to let my fiancé who I love with all my heart go and find someone better

-- Wed May 18, 2016 9:23 pm --

Plus ever since my diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, I've started to basically question every aspect of the past, always finding ways to think the worst of myself and scrutinize every moment I spent with a younger child alone whilst a child myself, even though I still can't specifically remember doing anything else untoward. I find the fact that I'm even questioning myself on this deeply disturbing and feel like I'm going mad.

My councillor says that she thinks it's because I was abused myself in adulthood and seem to have an immense fear of causing anyone else any hurt in any way but I just can't seem to get my mind to stop running away with itself recently. Am I going insane?

No, you're not insane.... Does your Dx include OCD? Sounds as if it ought to.

This has a very OCD feel to it at this point. You are obsessing over the possibility of having caused harm. I'm (unofficially, but no less real) OCD and harm thoughts of various kinds are my strongest OCD manifestation. Either that I will hurt someone intentionally, or that I've accidentally done so. I will drive several miles back over the irrational fear I've accidentally run someone over, sometimes.

The only advice I have sweet pea is that you have to let this go. From my experience, you have to intellectually accept that you didn't cause any harm, and let it go. Which requires obstinacy in the face of your brain screaming at you that you caused irreparable harm. I'm not going to shoot anyone (unprovoked, anyway ), no matter how much my brain tells me I'm going to kill a loved one. I didn't run over that invisible (read, nonexistent) pedestrian. That's my story, and I have to stick to it to keep from being frozen by fear.

At some point you have to acknowledge that you've indeed done nothing particularly evil, and stop feeding this fear. It's a positive feedback loop. The more you fret over it, the stronger the fear you've done something truly bad gets.

Omg Snaga,I have also done this in the past 'drove several miles backwards' to make sure I didn't unintentionally knock down a pedestrian or innocent animal without even realising! Ireally do appreciate your feedback and I think that you are very inspirational to use your experiences and the hardships you've faced to share and help others.

A lot of what you are saying rings very true and I think I just need to start fighting this compulsion of fearing the worst from my past and analysing every second of it that's unaccounted for. I don't directly remember having caused anyone any deliberate harm and if I had I'm sure I would've occurred to me before and not just now when my GAD and OCD are at an all time high.

Thank you so much Snaga and I wish you all the best. Let's kick mental health issues' ass!!!

Other posters hit the nail on the head with what I would have said so I'll leave those points on that.

I really want to drive home the point that someday in the future you'll be able to look past all this anxiety and be in a different place. By that time I hope you've made all the right decisions that you won't regret by then. What do I mean by that? Do not let this get in the way of your relationship with your fiance. You are not a bad person and what you did is in the past and is not something you would do still. By trying to let go of your fiance you may assuage these negative beliefs in your head, but you'll be losing out on the love of your life. Use her as your support system. You don't necessarily have to tell her everything, but don't lose her b/c of this. Best of luck and don't feel bad about continuing to post if you still have issues.

Thank you redmorgan. I appreciate your feedback,it means a lot.