I'm an absolute monster. What should I do?

This is something ive been denying to myself all my adulthood. When I was a child and teenager(mostly as a child), was abusive to animals. I can't even remember or count the times I would hurt animals. It would range from hitting to grabbing their mouths really hard. I used to spray our cat when I was like 7-8 with air freshener. I almost poisoned him once because he scratched me and I cried because I thought he would die and felt like a monster, so why the ###$ didnt I stop abusing animals?

When I was a teen I would hit our dogs with an open hand when they barked to keep them quiet. I stopped at age 18 or 19 I believe. I hate myself. And I know most of the world would hate me if they knew. My brother called me a psycho when I was like 8.

My family was always kind of violent. My parents had a rocky relationship. They would beat my brother and sister until they cried over small things(before I was born), my brother once tossed a 2-3 pound toy tractor at the back of my head, I never had a lot of friends and had bad social anxiety, my parents would do corporal punishment, a friend of my dad screamed at my and called me rude and messed up because I was quiet/shy.

I want to kill myself, but before I do, I need to do something to help. I need to make things right. How can I?

I honestly don't think you're a monster and I for one for be deeply saddened if I'd learnt you'd killed yourself. You were an abused kid in a violent family acting out upon animals cause you didn't know better. Animals, however, forgive. I think the best thing you can do is volunteer at an animal shelter. I honestly think it would start your process of healing.

sprock wrote:I honestly don't think you're a monster and I for one for be deeply saddened if I'd learnt you'd killed yourself. You were an abused kid in a violent family acting out upon animals cause you didn't know better. Animals, however, forgive. I think the best thing you can do is volunteer at an animal shelter. I honestly think it would start your process of healing.

I don't think I was abused. I was just hit on the arm or leg when I misbehaved. My brother and sister were beaten before I was born. They're both over ten years older than me.

TBH people are going to draw the line at different points. At the very least it's fair to say you grew up in a violent/ troubled household.

I absolutely feel that you would accomplish far, far more from volunteering at an animal shelter than from hurting yourself.