Gulty past dawning on me

Hi all

I am very new to this forum and this is the first time I have opened up about this to anyone, please do not judge me on what I am about to write as this is from my past and hold a lot of remorse for my actions.

[edit: I feel guilty for some sexual experimentation that I did when I was younger between the ages of 11-12 with a younger person and I feel like a bad person for what I have done and I am looking to right the wrongs of my past]

I feel like a bad person and have considered ending my life. I have triggers occasionally and I really want to put an end to these thoughts. I know what I did was wrong and I feel like I am deservedly punishing myself.

I am not looking for sympathy. I had to get this off my chest and release my feelings. I know I will never be completely absolved of what I done and I will need to bare that cross for my whole life.

I don't feel like speaking to the person I abused is the best step either as they are getting on fine with their life and I don't want to load them with unhappy memories of what I done.

I lead a completely normal life and would never dare dream of hurting a child in that manner as I believe that behaviour is abhorrent and vile. I have came to some sort of terms with it but I get the odd flashback of what I done which can cripple me and change my mood for weeks on end.

Hi bequrt,

Thanks for writing - it must have taken some courage to get that down in words.

First, **do not** end your life over something you did as a young kid. What you did was wrong, yes, but it was the behaviour of an ignorant child who didn't have the moral sense nor the self-reflection that you have now. On a very real level you are not the same person that you where when you were 13. Speak to yourself as you would a different 13-year-old who did what you did. You might be disappointed; you might even be stern... but you wouldn't cast that kid out of humanity or think that they should hurt themselves - no way.

The fact that the kid you abused seems fine and happy is a good sign. If you know in your gut that talking about this with him wouldn't be helpful then don't do it.

This may be something you always carry with you, but that doesn't mean there is no room for happiness and peace in your life. It's not all or nothing. You are certainly not a bad person - it would be a ridiculous and terrible thing if adults had to hold the weight of their behaviour as a child on their shoulders for the rest of their life. There is a good reason why many places expunge a child's criminal record when they turn 18 or 21. You wouldn't have been locked up for life for what you did by any standard, so don't lock yourself up for life. What you needed was therapy. I repeat, you were a kid.

The reason you feel so badly about this is the distance between yourself now and who you were at 13. That difference is very real. The brain continues to grow and develop significantly until one is 25ish. You are not the same person that you were. You can feel regret without feeling lifelong shame.

I'm about to show my age and the insensitivity and political incorrectness of my generation, but hey- someone's gotta be the bad guy:

13 year olds are retarded.

There, I said it. Up to about 13/14, kids are retarded. They do stupid stuff and don't know why. This is nothing I didn't do at least once. It's called curiosity, and at that age you're only just really becoming aware of okay there are boundary lines and this is one here. But that's still warring with the idiot kid in you. And hormones are kicking in. You are far, far, far, from the only kid that age to touch something that would seem in retrospect, to be wildly inappropriate.

Sexual experimentation between children is considered normal. The age difference is pretty wide, here, and if you'd continued past 13, I'd say you had real reason for remorse, but fact is at 11/12/13, it's my opinion that kids prolly experiment with whoever (or whatever) is handy. Yes, it's shameful in retrospect. Is it criminal? I don't think so. It stopped when you got to the age that that stuff usually stops. End of story.

Please don't beat yourself up over this any more, mijo. It's gonna be okay. Really. Things I did at that age with other kids, I think you find, as you become adults, what happens in the preteen/adolescent age, stays there. But you need to quit hating yourself over stuff done as a child. It's done, it's over.

That is a weird age where your mind does odd things. Some people grow up "normal" while others engage in acts that they'll regret for the rest of their lives. I understand how the guilt is eating up at you and it may continue to do that for a while. If you believe that your past is no longer a part of you then give yourself that chance and fully believe it. What you did as a kid should not represent who you are now. If you still continue to feel confused about your past actions maybe it's something to bring up in therapy? If you're afraid of divulging details you could go about it in indirect ways. Usually these behaviors come from curiosity, past trauma, wanting control and etc. You're more than your actions as a child.