I feel absolutely awful...

Hi, all. This is my first, and probably last post here. No, I'm not going to off myself. This is something that happened when I was around 13 or 14. The only difference here is that it was me.

See, around that time I had become curious, I of course went for my laptop and started searching- parents hadn't decided I was ready to hear it. Maybe, if they'd talked to me, informed me about how things worked, it never would have happened. I was a child, and so was my sister. I should add I'm also female.

Now, when I had begun my research I began to recognize some things. But I was mostly drawn to a paticular video, one with two females pressing their v's together- you know, all gaspy and such. I was confused and weirded out. Why would that feel good? I was too young to understand, so I asked my younger sister if I could try something. You all probably know what.

Now, mind you, we had barely touched (I mean like, no pressure, just sitting there) before I freaked out, ran, and never spoke of it. She's 9 now, I'm 19. Naturally she knows nothing, and I confessed to my parents of my transgression- they assured me that I was only a child, I hadn't tried anything horrendous, it's ok, etc- they THEN decided to give me the talk.The more I heard, the more horrified I became.

But I still, even now, I feel like scum. Utter trash for it, and I can barely look at her nowadays...and I feel guilty for living at all. How can I somehow redeem myself or repent for this? I'm about to graduate high school and the memory still haunts me every time I feel happy. How can I live after doing something so awful?

If you can help me, please reply.

Your parents said it was okay. It's OKAY, sweet pea. You were still borderline a kid yourself. No harm was done. You're beating yourself up over this. You won't do it again.

I hope you can forgive yourself, because this really is not something you should hate yourself forever after for, sweets. You were almost old enough to know better, IMO, but not quite. Your parents know you; they handled it as they saw appropriate. I trust their judgement; you trust it, too. Hugs.

I agree with Snaga. You were a kid and it sounds at though there can been no lasting damage. Your parents seem like decent sorts who will call out abuse when they see it... if they say you're fine and shouldn't be beating yourself up endlessly over this, then trust them.

What happened is a good example of why kids should be kept away from the internet. So many young kids' first exposure to sex is through pornography nowadays and I can't help but feel that in the absence of good sex education focusing on consent this is a dangerous thing. You simply didn't have any guidance and you should not judge your 14-year-old child self too harshly for her ignorance.

All the very best,
Sprock