I Abused All My Exes

I just needed to get it off my chest. I've come to the realisation over the past few years that I've harshly mistreated and abused all of my ex-girlfriends. I have BPD as my primary diagnosis, and as much as I tried not to, I know that my intense rage and splitting was emotional abuse at its peak. I feel horrible about it. I can't forgive me, and I know that they can't forget and are still probably dealing with the effects of me to this day.

I hate myself for hurting the women I loved so dearly. I just hope realising I am inherently abusive is a step in the right direction. I've even had to reject several would-be romantic relationships in the past MONTH - yes, MONTH (no idea what people see in me) - because I liked them too much to want to even give hint at a chance of abuse. I feel good about my choice but at the same time it makes me scared I'll never find a relationship where I don't abuse the person I'm in it with.

I feel horrible, just to restate that. I hope one day I can move past it, but the guilt is unbearable right now. It's all I think about constantly.

First of all, I absolutely disagree in the strongest possible terms that you are **inherently** abusive. How can that be so when you have the self-reflection and contrition to start this very thread?

You have anger issues (which you already know) which you need to get under control. This is something that takes time and effort and commitment but it is certainly not impossible.

Perhaps you can make amends with your ex-partners, though you will know if such a gesture would make them uncomfortable/ whether they would simply prefer you to remain out of their lives. You don't *know* that they are dealing with the after effects to this day; this is what you fear.

It is harder to change and never abuse again than it is to throw up your arms in the certainty of despair. I believe you can do the former.

You probably don't see it yet, but this realisation is the catalyst you need to "reprogram" your brain towards non-abusive behaviour. So embrace it. Many people never experience this profound realisation and continue in their abusive ways, almost unconsciously.

With this realisation comes pain, but that pain too is part of the whole reprogramming process. Understand that there is no remorse, and therefore change, without feeling awful about the thing over which you are remorseful. And you would surely rather feel the remorse than not. So you need to see this pain as part and parcel of the new, non-abusive self that is emerging.

So, although it may sound slightly strange, congratulations! You didn't ask for this realisation, yet here it is. It's a gift, both to your future self and the world.

It's just wrapped in horrible paper