The straight truth is that I sexually abused my half sister when I was about 11 or 12 and she was about only 4 years old. I am now about to be 37 years old and she confronted me about this 3 years ago. I sincerely don't remember much about that time in my life but I know I did sexual things with my sister. It happened on about 4 or 5 occasions during one summer break.I never hit her, forced or threatened her that I remember and this was not something that was ongoing into my teen years. I say that not to downplay it but because people often want more details to make their judgment. Truth be told, my sister and I never actually shared what details that we remember, only that we did sexual things.
I cried. I acknowledge it. I apologized for it. I asked for forgiveness for it. We talked and I opened up to her and told her I think I did it because I was molested when I was smaller and exposed to a lot of sexual things that made me curious. Was I old enough to truly know better? Doesn't matter, I did it. I do know that I wasn't blatantly trying to ruin her life. Doesn't matter, I did it.
What happened next change things dramatically. She suggested as an adult that I may be a pedophile by saying she hopes I never hurt the other girls in my family. This upset me very much as the last thing on my mind sexually are small children. What happened with my sister was something that ended right then and their. I went into normal teenage years and adult life as far as sexual attractions with girls my own age and sure now that I'm pushing 40, I do find women in their 20's attractive. But not little kids. That is sick to me and I hate pedophiles and to be accused as such really angered me and I can not just accept that and by not doing so, my sister feels that I am not taking her seriously.
Even after telling me that she forgave me and wanted to have relationship with me, this week I find out that my sister told her mom and now her mom told my cousin that she needs to watch me around my Goddaughter. I was so enraged! Like really? Her mom trying to judge me after being a drug junkie and neglecting her own kids? My Goddaughter is like a daughter to me and I have full rights to her if something happens to her mom because her scumbag dad couldn't stick around. I am a very loving and caring man and have worked very hard to be so. I love my nephews and nieces very much and could never imagine them going through anything so traumatizing. I am the one that talks to them with my other siblings about if anyone touches them inappropriately to let us know and now it is being hinted to watch out for me because of something so stupid I did almost 30 years ago? I can't just tolerate that whether its directly or indirectly suggested. There is no reason or evidence of such nonsense. And my sister says "Its just in case" . What is that supposed to mean?
Needless to say, I wasn't upset so much wit my sister but very angry with her mom and we had a big argument and basically my sister told me to "stay out of her life and goodbye."
Am I missing something here? I feel like I'm supposed to admit to being something I'm not just to prove to my sister how awful I feel about our past? Must I give up who I am, what I stand for and what I stand against? Not for myself but there are kids in my family that look up to me. Perhaps this angers my sister to see me trying to be a strong person and trying to be happy and good person? Because I am taking a stand against these accusations, my sister says that I am trying to manipulate things and not face what I did when I was a kid.
I told my sister I would see a therapist with her or do whatever it takes and will never deny what I did. I even told her I would turn myself into the police if I could be prosecuted for what I did at 12 years old if that could happen. I've never denied that I sexually abuse my sister when I was a kid. But I never abused a kid as a teen or adult and just the mere accusation of such things nowadays could potentially devastate a family even if the man is innocent.
This is the line that ultimately has separated me and my sister. I feel so disconnect with my childhood like it was another life compared to the man I have grown to be that I just can't connect what I did as a child to being a pedophile while my sister apparently does. While most pedophiles/rapist may have started as young sex offenders, not all youth sex offenders will become adult pedophiles/rapist. In fact most wont,based on studies I've found. Yes, I'm doing research and not just brushing this all off.
My sister told me that if I really loved her not to message her again. I haven't.
I honestly don't even know what to feel at this point.