Losing My Sister

The straight truth is that I sexually abused my half sister when I was about 11 or 12 and she was about only 4 years old. I am now about to be 37 years old and she confronted me about this 3 years ago. I sincerely don't remember much about that time in my life but I know I did sexual things with my sister. It happened on about 4 or 5 occasions during one summer break.I never hit her, forced or threatened her that I remember and this was not something that was ongoing into my teen years. I say that not to downplay it but because people often want more details to make their judgment. Truth be told, my sister and I never actually shared what details that we remember, only that we did sexual things.

I cried. I acknowledge it. I apologized for it. I asked for forgiveness for it. We talked and I opened up to her and told her I think I did it because I was molested when I was smaller and exposed to a lot of sexual things that made me curious. Was I old enough to truly know better? Doesn't matter, I did it. I do know that I wasn't blatantly trying to ruin her life. Doesn't matter, I did it.

What happened next change things dramatically. She suggested as an adult that I may be a pedophile by saying she hopes I never hurt the other girls in my family. This upset me very much as the last thing on my mind sexually are small children. What happened with my sister was something that ended right then and their. I went into normal teenage years and adult life as far as sexual attractions with girls my own age and sure now that I'm pushing 40, I do find women in their 20's attractive. But not little kids. That is sick to me and I hate pedophiles and to be accused as such really angered me and I can not just accept that and by not doing so, my sister feels that I am not taking her seriously.

Even after telling me that she forgave me and wanted to have relationship with me, this week I find out that my sister told her mom and now her mom told my cousin that she needs to watch me around my Goddaughter. I was so enraged! Like really? Her mom trying to judge me after being a drug junkie and neglecting her own kids? My Goddaughter is like a daughter to me and I have full rights to her if something happens to her mom because her scumbag dad couldn't stick around. I am a very loving and caring man and have worked very hard to be so. I love my nephews and nieces very much and could never imagine them going through anything so traumatizing. I am the one that talks to them with my other siblings about if anyone touches them inappropriately to let us know and now it is being hinted to watch out for me because of something so stupid I did almost 30 years ago? I can't just tolerate that whether its directly or indirectly suggested. There is no reason or evidence of such nonsense. And my sister says "Its just in case" . What is that supposed to mean?

Needless to say, I wasn't upset so much wit my sister but very angry with her mom and we had a big argument and basically my sister told me to "stay out of her life and goodbye."
Am I missing something here? I feel like I'm supposed to admit to being something I'm not just to prove to my sister how awful I feel about our past? Must I give up who I am, what I stand for and what I stand against? Not for myself but there are kids in my family that look up to me. Perhaps this angers my sister to see me trying to be a strong person and trying to be happy and good person? Because I am taking a stand against these accusations, my sister says that I am trying to manipulate things and not face what I did when I was a kid.

I told my sister I would see a therapist with her or do whatever it takes and will never deny what I did. I even told her I would turn myself into the police if I could be prosecuted for what I did at 12 years old if that could happen. I've never denied that I sexually abuse my sister when I was a kid. But I never abused a kid as a teen or adult and just the mere accusation of such things nowadays could potentially devastate a family even if the man is innocent.

This is the line that ultimately has separated me and my sister. I feel so disconnect with my childhood like it was another life compared to the man I have grown to be that I just can't connect what I did as a child to being a pedophile while my sister apparently does. While most pedophiles/rapist may have started as young sex offenders, not all youth sex offenders will become adult pedophiles/rapist. In fact most wont,based on studies I've found. Yes, I'm doing research and not just brushing this all off.

My sister told me that if I really loved her not to message her again. I haven't.

I honestly don't even know what to feel at this point.

I had to sleep on this after much musing because you are in a complex situation and I'm not entirely sure I'm qualified to give advice. Firstly, I think it's right of you to respect your sister's wish not to contact her. Hopefully one day she will make her way back to you, but that's her choice and has to be on her own terms. It is understandable that she is still hurt by your childhood actions, but you already know that.

I think it's possible to accept that your sister does not feel comfortable with your presence in her life while simultaneously knowing that you are a different person to who you were when you were 12. I absolutely agree that an adult shouldn't be forever defined by their behaviour as a child, especially if they were working through their own abuse.

You've done what you can by respecting your sister's wishes and offering to face legal proceedings. It is understandable you would feel hurt by members of your [extended] family believing that you might pose a risk to children now, or seeing you as a paedophile. You are absolutely correct that many child offenders do not grow up to offend and it seems clear (going from the info that I have) that you are not a danger to kids.

Even after telling me that she forgave me and wanted to have relationship with me, this week I find out that my sister told her mom and now her mom told my cousin that she needs to watch me around my Goddaughter. I was so enraged! Like really? Her mom trying to judge me after being a drug junkie and neglecting her own kids?

Certainly people react far more emotionally to sexual abuse than other forms of abuse (including neglect) and I think that can sometimes prevent genuine self-reflection. I don't always agree with the writer Theodore Dalrymple (he's a lot more conservative than me) but he has written persuasively on this topic:
http://www.city-journal.org/html/who-ki ... 12517.html

Oddly enough, many mothers saw fit to bring their young children into this melee. The children were clearly terrified, and many burst into tears, but the vengefully self-righteous crowd did not see its conduct as a form of mass child abuse. On the contrary, the mothers said they had come to demand the protection of children from perverts and monsters.

So, I understand your frustrations/ anger. But your life will go on and will do so in your own knowledge that you are not a paedophile and that you are a different human being to whom you were as a child. It is a sad and crappy situation, but it is livable. Hopefully other posters will be able to offer more concrete advice.

All the best,
Sprock

Thank you so much for you words sprock and reading through my long post. You really sound like someone that uses logic and reason and I very much appreciate that.

Hundreds of views and only one response but I understand many people are just passing through as I have passed through many forums myself. It would be great to get some other responses even if they are negative as I'm sure most on here are victims and not abusers and wouldn't want to find themselves sympathizing with one. But I have met them. They are out their and understand.

The problem is that I look back and see my child self more as a victim and not an abuser and my sister was an extension of me being a victim. I know now by many people standards that touching a kid sexually in any way even if only for 1 second makes even a baby a molester. I've read stories of 5 and 6 year olds having to register as sex offenders in certain states for the rest of their lives. Its so sad. You hear of stories of teenage boys or grown men doing horrible things like physical abuse, using objects and manipulation over the course of years and as I grew, I thought to myself, surely what I did was just curiosity when compared to these other situations.

What makes me angry is that I feel my sister totally disregard me as a victim. I lived with my mom in Oregon while my dad lived in California with his new wife, stepdaughters and my half sister. My moms next husband (my stepdad) use to abuse me when my mom was at work. Not sexually but beat me and hit me with objects and treat me like an animal. I was in kindergarten and 1st grade at that time. My mom never seen it or refused to and my other sister was too small to remember so they are both in denial about it. Our house was small so me and my other half sister had bunk beds in my mom and step dads room and I remember hearing them have sex. It think this was that start to me having a terrible childhood sexually being exposed so young. As far as the abuse I remember crying and wondering why my real dad wasn't there to protect me. Instead he was an alcoholic drinking his life away and when he wasn't he was giving his love to my half sister and stepdaughters. I grew up hating him for this.

My mom shortly left my stepdad and moved back to California while I stayed with my Real grandmother and Grandfather (by marriage). had to repeat 1st grade because I was so bad and angry, I used to hit the teacher but didn't realized it was a result of the abuse at the time. My Grandparents really straightened me out because my grandma was super strict. I was between maybe 6 and 9 during this time before my mom would eventually move back and I'd live with her again.My grandfather was good to me but he was a soccer coach and would always take me with him to to games and get-togethers with the players. One of them molested me by touching and groping me everywhere. I was already messed up from the abuse and now this.I was thinking about sex so young but I never tried to touch other girls or hurt anyone but rather little girls would try to do things with me including one of my own female cousins who is my same age. She didn't force me. We did things willingly or so I thought at the time. I wasn't even 10 yet. To be honest in my little kid brain, I didn't think any of it was wrong. I knew adults did but I didn't understand why so I was more fearful of their reaction than my action if that makes sense. I never had anyone truly teach me right from wrong sexually from my mom and certainly not my dad.

Sadly at about 12, during one summer vacation visit to California, all these things played out with my half sister on about 4 or 5 occasions and it ended their as far as any sexual things but I think I tried to repress everything because to this day I don't remember the exact details and not really sure what my sister remembers as she never told me.

I left my moms home at 13 and moved to LA to live with my Aunt and I went into my teenage years with all the anger issues. I partied, did drugs and drank. Tried to commit Suicide when I was 16 and eventually dropped out of highschool. At that point I was so angry about being a victim,Compared to what I had done to me, I completely disregarded the stuff with my sister and cousin and seen it as curiosity.

When my dad passed away from his alcohol abused liver when I was 18, something changed in me. I told myself I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't want to be a victim anymore and at that moment grasped the full concept of accountability. I was supposed to be a statistic.A gang banger, a drug user,in prison, an alcoholic like my dad and apparently a pedophile but the truth is, I worked very hard to turn my life around. To do this, I focused so much on myself, perhaps selfishly from 18 to my mid 20's that I shut out certain people including my 1/2 sister I abused but not because of the abuse but to get myself together. I went back to school and even too classes on psychology in college to try to understand myself better. I even seen 2 different psychologist just to try and be in good terms with myself. I now have a great career and generally lived a very happy life and @ 26 I was back for good in my sisters life and we became the best of friends over the next 10 years or so it seemed until 3 years ago. I knew my sister was having some emotional and relationship troubles. She got into a feminist club and all of a sudden she confronted me about the abuse and everything went downhill from their.

I already mentioned I completely acknowledge her feelings and owned up to my end. But when the subtle suggestion of me being a pedophile completely changed things. All that I had been through and everything I had battled through emotionally and in some ways fight to this day be a good man all trying to be taken away and old feeling from when I was a kid have come back as a result.

When she insists I was old enough to know better and I ask her where was our dad to teach me right from wrong? Why wasnt he there to watch us and take us to do things to not put us in such a situation. She tells me I should get over being angry at my dad because that was a long time ago. Like really? I was over it until you want bring this all out as I feel it's relevant. Just because she had him around, she defends him. Then her mom has the nerve to talk when she has 7 kids from 5 different men and singles me out like what I did is the sole reason why my sister has relationship issues. Ridiculous!

At least I completely own up to what I did when I was a kid even regardless of what had happened to me. Where is my stepdad and grandfathers friend to own up to what they did to me and ultimately my sister?

Hi SoLost,

Perhaps the reason there were more readers than responders to your post is that, like sprock said, it's a difficult read that contains a seriously loaded subject and I did the same thing as sprock, reading your posts several times, sleeping on it before making my reply. I started and wiped several replies, and I still dunno if my reply will be adequate.

(1) Your half-sister remembered what happened when she was 4, it was a ticking time-bomb for her, even if you saw the sexual abuse as curiosity or saw her as an extension of the abuse you received as a kid. Sexual abuse at any young age can be traumatic, whether remembered or not. Your sister is still reeling from this revelation and it will take some time for her to heal, it may take years. I expect that the same is true for you, for the sexual abuse you received.

(2) When a child is not taught by parents/caregiver about boundaries regarding his/her body and privates, that child doesn't know the concepts of consent versus no consent and right from wrong. Many 4 yo's aren't taught this presumably because they are considered innocent and unknowing about the world, and particularly about sex. Your half-sister was 4 at the time and you were around 12 when this abuse occurred. She is understandably upset that you had to have been old enough to know better than to take advantage of a 4 yo's innocence.

(3) For a 12 yo kid who never got any instruction on what was acceptable and unacceptable parameters regarding child sexuality and yet was sexually abused himself, knowing the carnal before understanding what it was, it's a mixed brew for curiosity and experimenting. How else was he going to understand what sex was, when he had nothing else to go by?

(4) You have owned up, apologized and even said you'd take up counseling or even go to the police for your actions as a 12 yo, yet you've been painted black with a moralistic brush as being a pedophile. You've never been formally charged and tried in a legal system per se, yet you've been already judged and convicted by ppl who certainly don't have the objectivity nor the emotional intelligence to understand that there are always two sides to every story. Yeah, where were the parents when you needed them? Alcoholism and serial lovers don't exactly inspire moral character, but accountability does and you learned that all by yourself, thanks to nobody.

(5) "All that I had been through and everything I had battled through emotionally and in some ways fight to this day be a good man all trying to be taken away and old feeling from when I was a kid have come back as a result."

I have been thru circumstances, although different from yours, in which I have had to fight to be a certain person and I still have struggles with ppl who don't understand where I've been and where I am today nor all the hard work it took for me to get here, only to get reduced to the feelings I had as a child.

I understand the anger, but don't direct it at your sister or at others or at yourself. I learned that there will always be somebody who will try to take you down a notch or two, and it's their problem, not yours, to deal with. It took a lot of work to not be defined by other ppl and become the captain of your own ship. You've risen above the morass that was your upbringing and there is no good reason for you to go back down into the muck.

(6) I don't know if this will work for you, but forgiving yourself is probably the hardest step. If you can do this for yourself, then it becomes easier to forgive others for their actions against you or for not providing the nurturance or guidance you should have gotten as a child. They too live(d) with circumstances that were beyond their control.

Best to you~