Please help me, so much pain and guilt.

Hi, everyone. I am so glad I have found this website.
So let me start from the beginning. I wanna express something that had happened when I was about 5/6 years old (I am 19 now). I briefly remember an older friend (female) kissing me and my brother, I was intrigued and I think I kissed her back (my memory isn't clear, as this was 13/14 years ago). I then forgot about this and carried out my life. Around this time, my mum and dad got back together but they were having problems. My dad left my mum and then me and my brother moved somewhere else to live with our mum. My family was having problems, so me, my brother and our mum became homeless then was moved to an hotel. I was then fostered (under special guardianship) by my auntie as my mother had serious mental health problems and couldn't look after us. She was a great mother in my eyes but when my dad lived with us, he used to drink a lot of alcohol but wasn't abusive. (My dad passed away in 2013, when I chose to live with him that year)
After a couple of years being fostered, my mother took me and my brother back and I was around 9 at this time. I made a close friend and used to stay at hers a lot. I remember one night, it was dark and I kissed my best friends younger sister, I asked her for a long kiss. I have no idea why I did it. I feel so guilty and my life has been a total wreck since I remember (last year). I now suffer from Depression and OCD (as I can't control my thoughts). I have thoughts that I am an abuser, I should die, I'm going to make my mum so disappointed. I have had loads of panic attacks about how I am going to get arrested. I overthink things way too much but I now have intrusive thoughts (which is caused by OCD). I know that I am never going to her children as I have 4 beautiful nieces and I want to have kids on day with my boyfriend.

I am now waiting for a call back from therapy to book an appointment (due to me having a panic attack where I was going to hurt myself because of my thoughts). Someone please help. I can't deal with this anymore

Hi there,

you were 9 at the time? you were still only a child yourself, it sounds like you went through alot of trauma early on in life, and this was a manifestation of your pain, seriously please relax, reading your post it does not sound to me like you have any reason to feel so guilty, think about all you went through yourself, I too am going through intense guilt over something i did when i was 15, but like you i was in alot of pain that time myself too, and it was a manifestation of the confusion and hurt in my life, please try to be kind and understand yourself. lots of love.x

-- Sat Apr 02, 2016 2:08 pm --

Also I would like to add, I do not think it is coincidence that you yourself were 9, the person who first did this to you was 9 right? what i did was to a girl that would have been the age i was when i was abused, i feel like it is trying to get some insight into what happened, would you agree?

[mod sprock note: deleted accidentally repeated para for clarity]

It sounds like a child acting out. You went through a lot of upheaval and trauma, it is totally understandable that you were confused and scared and did something stupid. But 1.) You were a little child. You are quite literally now, on a physical/ neurological level, a different person. 2.) What you did sounds experimental in nature, not cruel or malicious or even about controlling another. As said, you acted out. As an abused child understandable would. From the info you have provided it does not sound like what you did would have caused lasting trauma. You aren't an abuser. You are just so scared of being an abuser you worry that you are one. But you aren't.

You were a kid. What do kids do? We experiment with worldly objects until we are familiar with our surroundings in the world. You didn't do anything wrong in my eyes. And clearly, everyone else agrees. Move on and face your current sexuality and romantic involvements.