Looking for resolve, guilt is tearing me apart.

I would just like to say to you a heartfelt thank you from myself, honestly my heart fills with love when i see people on here like moderating this and giving your time to help others and you are not getting paid for this, it truly is such a wonderful thing you are doing for people such as me and others in such pain.

I wanted to post a post myself but posted it in the abuse and incest page when i should have probably posted here.

I have read others stories and i am empathetic towards them but i fail to have this same compassion for myself. I was abused when i was 6 or 7 and like others i showed the signs, masturbating at an early age, using objects to feel myself and being abusive towards our cat, shoving his face towards my private.

In my teen years i have done things i am deeply shameful of and regret so much i have literally felt i could die and the world would be better off without me.
When i was 15, I was babysitting two young girls who would have been the age I was when i was abused, i ended up touching one of the girls, she was in her panties but i did rub against her bum or touch her bum and maybe put my hand briefly on her private, i did not rub her private part or masturbate the girl, but I was touching myself too, they were unaware i was touching myself, and i pray that this girl is not majorily affected by the abuse the way i was affected by my brothers abuse.

i have felt so bad, i tried to desperately piece it back together, my ocd anxiety went into over drive, i found out the year 97 and her name, i ended up messaging her on fb just saying hello how are u, i babysat u as a kid, i used to know your mother, but she did she the message and never replied, she is in college and has 600 friends, maybe she was just thinking so what, who are you or maybe she remembered me and did not reply because she was disgusted, she did not block me though so i think if this was the case she would have blocked me...

I was sexually inappropriate at that time with our dogs too, god when i look back i feel sick.

I did another two minor things but minor enough not to mention.

My main thing is did i hurt this girl, i have two children now, my ocd is so bad, i am thinking i am an awful person. this is awful.

First of all the world clearly wouldn't be better off without you ~ I promise you! Not in the slightest!

You are clearly a sincere, caring human being who desperately does not want to hurt others. That counts for a lot. Moreover, your children need you and their lives will be enriched through having you there to raise and take care of them.

Your first paragraph is very kind and humbling! I guess, for me, this is one small part of trying to move forwards myself and help other people in the way I have been helped by other moderators on this forum. It can be exhausting work, but it is also incredibly rewarding and a chance to talk to interesting, insightful people who often struggle with OCD like myself. It is strange that there should be a sense of community in remorse, but I think there is and I honestly think it is a very useful and beautiful thing.

First of all, you were still a child! There is a good reason that 15-year-olds are still legally regarded as children and are unable to consent throughout much of the world. While it is obviously to yourself now as an adult that you behaviour was inappropriate, I think it is entirely possible that the girls did not realise/ understand that you were touching yourself. As you say yourself, you did not masturbate them - contact seems to have been limited. This doesn't mean that what you did was alright, but I honestly think it means you can cut yourself slack and not worry about the young woman you found over FB.

You have been far more of a victim than you have been a perpetrator and essentially were a child acting out what had been done to you. You know better now and I know you will ensure that the cycle of abuse stops with you and that your children grow up experiencing a better childhood than you were forced to experience. I suspect that with your obvious compassion and desire to do good you are an excellent mother!

You are not an awful person. You were a confused and scared child who did something stupid. Yes, it was regrettable, but that doesn't mean you are tainted or doomed. Without getting too wishy-washy, it is clear your soul still shines brightly!

Try to focus on slowing down your thoughts, treating yourself with the compassion that you would treat a child who came to you with the same story. You deserve peace.

Hi Sprock,

Many thanks for your reply, I am sorry i am late to get back but very busy with my kids.

Well all I have to say to you is you are doing such an amazing job supporting everyone, not only that but you come across as someone very intelligent and knowledgeable, I have greatly benefited by reading replies to others post, especially the one where you spoke about the scientific evidence of your brain not having fully developed at that age.

I have thought about my own circumstance and honestly I 100pc feel I was trying to heal and gain some understanding of my own trauma on a very sub conscious level, it is very painful to think about.

In my heart I know this is a poignant time for me, it has been extremely painful, and i now see it has actually been affecting me on a sub conscious level all of my life, feeling like I am a bad person and not worthy of love.

When I met my husband he brought me from a very dysfuctional emotionally abuse environment to a loving place, where I could feel safe and learn about my true self, where I for the first time in my life learning consistency, support, love and what trust meant, as well as boundaries.

Every child deserves more than that, they deserve to feel safe and loved and secure as well as protected.

i will regret for the rest of my life my actions, I victimised a vunerable child in the way I was victimised, but in my heart I know I have to let this go, I would be doing myself a major injustice not too, and my children are the most important thing too me now, they need a mammy who is present and not a mammy who is wrapped up in past regret and worry.

I see that the only way I could express at that helpless age, because i did feel so sad and helpless, was to reenact the trauma coming from a subconscious level to get some understanding or some resolve.

I ended up hurting myself more.

I tried to contact the girl, just to say hello and i remember her etc, but she never responded too me, I am sure she is thinking who is this, I really hope so and that she does not have a memory of what happened.

-- Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:39 am --

I would just like to say thank you again sprock and I hope you know too you are a beautiful person and you as well deserve peace.x

-- Thu Mar 31, 2016 2:15 pm --

So now I am freaking out because i told someone recently about this, I am not sure if I can trust her, I ended up blocking her as a friend because i felt very vunerable after mentioning this to her, i was looking for reassurance my ocd.

Now i am freaking out thinking, what if she contacts the authorites and tells them what i told her, what if my children are taken away from me, please help me I am totally freaking myself out, tell me this could never happen.

-- Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:00 pm --

I will be honest with myself, I am in so much pain and I have so much regret for what I have done in my past but the most painful aspect is what led me to feel that way, I am deeply grieving my young self that was taken from me, all of the things I could not have, that I should have been able to have, the most important being safety and feeling protected.

I think that when this happened it did change me and traumatise me, I feel like this amongst other forms of abuse made me feel worthless and think badly of myself, I have always suffered with low self image and I think now this was actually one of the reasons for this, not all of it but possibly a big part of it.

I do not blame My brother, he was just a young person who was abused himself, ironically he must have been the age I was when I in my own way repeated the abuse, god only knows his own personal experiences, I wish My brother peace, writing this I can see how if I wish and feel sorry for him, I should have the same compassion for myself because I too was a by product of the abusive cycle, My brother in my view was more affected than me but obviously I was very affected myself.

My mind is just going all over the place now, fearing well would I have done this more than once if I had opportunities and what if people think I'm a child molester and what if my children are taken! It is insane now how my mind is spinning out of control.

The rational part of me takes me back to a very turbulent emotional time in my life when I was craving stability and was actually very confused as to why I was feeling how I was, it was like my mind was so unaware of myself and my feelings and this is the only way I could express myself.

I am discounting the bigger picture all of the other painful things that were going on and I was dealing with just mainly the instability, I felt frustrated in ways just like when I excessively masturbate now it's unusually when I am trying to run from some painful feeling I feel is too much to bear of face and I'm seeking pleasure to distract me from my own pain, in many ways I find if I am excessive it is nearly self mutilation and I will be honest I feel like that is what it was like this night, it was like me feeling so out of control in my life and having no understanding of myself or my own emotions.

I read on this forum someone stated that regret is like a ticking time bomb, it is planted in your sub conscious and it goes off when it needs too, it is immensely painful but through the flames there is deep healing, I could resonate with that because all of my life I have been feeling so worthless and defective on a subconscious level, and in ways I have known these feeling did not originate with me, iv always felt repelled by them.

My ocd exemplifies in me an extreme tendency to see things black and white as well as dwell in my pain and self loathing and funnily enough even though this is what I am now doing it somehow nearly feels like I am close to a breakthrough, because honestly I can not live this way anymore. My husband even said to me you are destroying yourself.

I have been thinking reading posts here, one by epiphanie, mentioned that there is always deeper subconscious beliefs that keep us stuck in our pain and self hate, and I feel with this it is like I know in my heart I am a good person but then another part of me is trying to drag me down and say to me, you are sick, how could you do that, you are awful, and I feel if I could just finally take a stand now with this major issue maybe there would be brighter days for me ahead.

I also fear others judging me, I told a few friends and now I am thinking why on earth did u do that.

Again does it really matter, once the people who know me and love me still love me I will be happy.

It is beyond exhausting hating myself and beating myself up this much, I have possibly aged 5 years in a week lol.

While there is a jumble of emotions in your post, I actually feel you are working through and processing your trauma. It might be trite, but maybe in forgiving your brother you can forgive your younger self? Or, as you hint yourself, see yourself with the same compassion you are able to have now for your brother.

You recognise that your OCD makes you see things in black & white - as I (and probably most people in this sub-forum) can strongly relate to. But you also know intuitively that this is wrong and that you should and would not judge a child as you would an adult. You can survive. As you say, with the love of your family you are able to keep fighting. Your words about me are very kind, but I also think they are true of you. It is so clear that being a supportive mother is paramount to you. You will get through this, for your kids and your husband and those who love you - but also, for yourself.

thanks Sprock, I think i need to calm down, I actually thought about it and the more and more I do think about it, I actually cannot even remember it to be that awful what I done, I also contacted the girl, I did not mention what happened, I just asked her how were things and I babysat her when she was younger, she said she did not remember, I obviously was releived that I did not impact her as I was by my brother but it did not give me the relief i thought it would.

What has been immensly helpful is reading studies done on trauma and reenactment, I can see alot of myself in what these say, they say it is a way of remembering and easing the anxiety of the emotions and helplessnesss the initial trauma causes. I can totally relate to all of that and the fact it was an isolated incident.

In order to calm myself down today I have thought to myself, okay this happened but why did it happen, not what happened.

I have decided instead of allowing myself to be driven by my emotional connection to the event, I am going to seperate my emotions from the facts.

The facts are I was abused as a child which led me to have trauma related to that and confusion around what happened too me, as a direct result of this at 15 I tried to re-assimilate the event in ways, to gain some understanding and control, I immediately felt not right about it and guilty, but if I choose to linger and beat myself up about this I am doing my own children an injustice as you say.

Thank you for mentioning the compassion I have for my brother, that is a good way of seeing it, I see him as being affected as I was by his own abuse, i am strong to have gone on to become so aware and healed so much in many ways.

The facts are, I am a good person.
I am not sexually attracted to children and never was.
And what happened happened due to trauma, so how can I continue to traumatize myself for it.

Thanks for your support and kind words.

-- Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:34 am --

sprock, i just wondered do you feel ocd might be a big issue with me, i am going over and over this, writing about it, looking up about it, i have made an appointment about my ocd, because it really does seem in access to the event.

I just came in here to say that you're not alone. 32 year old mother of a two year old. Very similar story as yours. I'm not ready to make a post about it, it's too exhausting to write down at the moment, but I've been exactly where you're at, although I'm not sure I have OCD, I have been obsessive, compulsive, and hyper-focused on this for much of the last 15 or so years of my life (but especially since becoming a mother) wondering what it all means. The sadness, shame, guilt, and anxiety I read in your posts, it's like I could've wrote them all myself. I've come to a lot of the same conclusions you have come to. ALL of my issues are trauma based. When I get frenzied about my past and what people might be saying/thinking about me, when I feel like the most horrible/disgusting person on the planet, feeling helpless and suicudal, it's all I can think of when I really get started...I've realized I'm retraumatizing myself AND others (my soon to be ex-husband, my close family members who I've continuously brought this up to repeatedly over the years) by "keeping it alive", not letting go/letting it heal. I've opened up to a handful of family and friends who've assured me it's time to leave the past in the past or they seem utterly confused that I'm this tormented over something that happened almost 20 years ago, as a child; but it's still so hard some times to just be okay with myself in the moment..every moment....every day. I've thought about this constantly for so long, it would be naive to think some words from a stranger on a forum could erase the time I've spent with these thoughts and deep seated feelings and maybe/hopefully magically make them disappear overnight, but it helps tremendously to know that YOU are out there, having a similar painful experience, so thanks for sharing your story. Presently, you and I are grown-ass, decent, loving, beautiful women and mothers, who wouldn't ever in a million years dare or even fathom hurting a child. Take solace in that fact, because I do and I try to never question it. You deserve good things. I hope your path to self-love and forgiveness gets easier. Look into Brene Brown's work on shame and vulnerability, it's helped me a little with all of that. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk. Peace.

-- Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:47 pm --

Also, someone passed this on to me so let me pass it on to you. You can find plenty of similar stories and helpful people on here, but I like this guy's advice... http://www.queendom.com/advices/advice.htm?advice=5

Guilty, I honestly think OCD is playing an absolutely pivotal role in your guilty feelings. I think without OCD you would able to regret without shame, seeing your actions as those of a traumatised child. Likewise, without diagnosing, SorryMama, the fact that your friends and family "seem utterly confused that I'm this tormented over something that happened almost 20 years ago" is a sure sign of obsessive-compulsive thinking that simply would not make sense to people without OCD (which is to say, I relate very strongly to what you are saying and am similarly met with confusion and bemusement, even from therapists).

Spock,
This leads me to believe is trauma a preemptive to ocd? How come so many of us suffer from ocd and possibly disproportionate guilt?

-- Tue Apr 05, 2016 10:12 pm --

And also is OCD treatable?

-- Tue Apr 05, 2016 11:20 pm --

Actually, I think deep in my heart I always knew ocd was the core issue, but then it means discounting the other hurts and possibly knowing there is no treatment for the condition.

At the moment there is no sure-fire treatment, though things are looking up. I think it can be gotten under control with CBT, meditation and generally practicing self-love when one is able.

It does seem like OCD is linked to trauma - it has been said that there is something of a correlation between childhood sexual abuse and early-onset OCD, but it's not a prerequisite. To my knowledge I wasn't abused as a child (arguably some events of my mid-teens might clarify as abuse, but my OCD was def established by then) yet was in counselling at 7 and diagnosed around 10. I was, however, born very premature - almost 3 months. I was really sickly as a child and technically died at least once! So, that might have something to do with it maybe.

I am back, I am rereading this post, i must have posted the same thing here now many times. I wondered sorrymama if you ever posted here in the end also I would love to know how you are doing now, thank you again for the reply to me and I reread the link you posted which was very helpful. I cannot figure out how to send a pm here, i pmed you but it does not show on my sent box so i am unsure if it went.