SO much guilt

So much guilt for screwing up...or at least I feel I've been screwing up. I could be wrong about that. With people. They are not big things but little things.....I'm inconsistent. Not intentionally. I break promises in the name of taking care of myself...or I overextend myself or don't practice enough self-care so that eventually I cop out of commitments. I make repairs but I always screw up again.

I know that beating oneself up, however, is not the answer in order to make repairs. So I'm using whatever resources I have...I don't want to bother people with my problems...bring to them and put on them what I should be bringing to therapy and websites like this.

This guilt is so intense.

You need to look out for yourself and be strong before you can be strong for others. What are some things you think you let others down with? I won't downplay them just for you, but it's important to see what you can do to move forward. Guilt can have tremendous effects on a person's psyche and it can be debilitating. I'm glad you're looking for help here.

God! You know, I'm looking at what I wrote and am remembering that my father would call me a "cop out" and I'd hear from people in my old life "you always..." and that I screw up.

It's tough...where is the responsibility on me and what is the unfair criticism I internalized?

It's obvious to me I ought to work on being good to others while keeping the toxic people who were abusive to me (and did not have a mood disorder) out of my life.

I just get so scared to go "no contact." I'm afraid that they will "smear campaign" me. (It's happened before, but then they'd seem to be remorseful.) I can't tell if they are narcissists or not.

You sound like a decent sort who hasn't hurt anyone! You might just need a little more focus and discipline. Have you tried meditation? Perhaps a life planner app like Habit RPG (https://habitica.com) could help?

Well, the good thing about my therapist retiring in July is that I'll be starting up individual DBT. I'm only in DBT GROUP right now. My current therapist, as great as she is, is not very structured with me. (We do "talk" therapy).

I think that all will be well eventually, but not for several months.

Individual DBT should help with the discipline/mindfulness...I have a consultation appointment with an excellent one for a month from now. I actually know her...she was a substitute for my current DBT group therapist when she was on maternity.

Maybe when I see her next month she can give me some tips on what to do...until we start our work in July.

Sounds promising!