Hey all, so I've been checking a lot this forum for the past month and I've finally decided to post something here. So my story and explanations are a bit long so please bear with me and I so appreciate that you will be reading this.
How did everything start? So basically, I'm a 17-year-old girl. And I had a full blown panic attack when I was hungover over a month ago( I drank a lot so I was still tipsy at the time) And I was basically looking at a picture of my friend and I noticed she looked prettier that before, and I kept looking at the picture until I got some butterflies in my stomach, like a tingly sensation and I somehow associated with me liking girls. So I immediately panicked and was like but I don't like girls, what's going on? and It basically turned into an HOCD type of thing. Fast forward to today, I feel way much better, but all that anxiety opened myself to my subconscious, I don't if it makes sense, but I don't really know how to put it in other words. So lately, I've been dwelling on my past and some things that I fully regret. And most of them have to do with my sexuality. Thing is, I don't know what is my exact intention when posting here. I might be looking for comfort, maybe for tips on how to make amends with my past, maybe for reassurance that I'm not the horrible person I think I am, or maybe reassurance that I'm not lesbian or bi (omg this is such an OCD symptom, guess I'm not totally over it lol) I remeber while going throught my ocd thing thinking like, why did i watch lesbian porn and still know that I was 100% straight and now i just cant.
Anyways, I do see a psychiatrist and I told him about my past thing and he said that in a near future we will be discussing my past and stuff, but I will feel soooooooo ashamed of telling him what I'm about to tell you so I really refuse to do that. So basically, there are 4 things that are bugging me. The first memory is my first sexual experience, it was with my cousin who is also a girl. we did some weird stuff, I went down on her and I think she did the same, I can't really remember, it's a really blurry memory, and I think it started when I was 7 and it went on until I was 10? I really can't remember but it happened just like 3 times. I do remember tho, not feeling good, it just felt weird and of course, I knew it was wrong. I talked to her yesterday and we laughed about it so much so it kinda made me feel better. She now has a boyfriend and I this matter never made her question her sexuality, she even forgot about it. My second sexual experience was with a female friend that I had. She was like 3 years older than me and I was like around 8 or 10 its also a blurry memory. And again I went down on her and she did the same to me. But just like my cousin, I didn't enjoy it, I thought it was really weird and wrong and it happened like 2 or 3 times. the thing is, I'm pretty sure she was the one that convinced me of doing it because I remember being so obsessed with her in the sense I thought she had a perfect life and she was like my mentor taking care of me, so everything she said I thought of it to be true so i think she did take advantage of me and in a way, forced me to do it and if I didn't do what she asked me to she got mad and said we couldn't be friends anymore. The 3 sexual thing that I did and I even feel soo ashamed and disgusted of writing it here, was with my dog. And I guess you can imagine what happened so I won't write the details. I was around 11 or 12 and it happened more frequently, like 6 or 7 times. And I actually liked it, so the fact that I enjoyed it makes me feel so sick and disgusted with myself and I feel very bad and guilty that every time I see my new puppy I remember of what I did. Like just thinking that I have this that enjoys that makes me so sad because it makes me think what type of depraved person I am.
And last but not least, something that causes me so much guilt and shame is that I looked for child porn. However, I TOTALLY WAS NOT looking for little girls, i was looking more of girls that looked like me, more of teens about to become adults type of things and this was very recent, like a year ago. but just the fact that I looked it up makes me sick and so disgusted of myself. And its really weird because I knew at the moment that what I was doing was wrong, but I could brush it off if I remembered it later, but now is like I'm stuck with these issues and they are eating me alive because I think like, what if my family or friends found out? they would never want to be with a person so depraved and disgusting. I try to think it as early experiences and such but its lately really hard and its hunting me.
Any advice? words? thank you in advance