Guilt and anxiety from my past.

Hey all, so I've been checking a lot this forum for the past month and I've finally decided to post something here. So my story and explanations are a bit long so please bear with me and I so appreciate that you will be reading this.

How did everything start? So basically, I'm a 17-year-old girl. And I had a full blown panic attack when I was hungover over a month ago( I drank a lot so I was still tipsy at the time) And I was basically looking at a picture of my friend and I noticed she looked prettier that before, and I kept looking at the picture until I got some butterflies in my stomach, like a tingly sensation and I somehow associated with me liking girls. So I immediately panicked and was like but I don't like girls, what's going on? and It basically turned into an HOCD type of thing. Fast forward to today, I feel way much better, but all that anxiety opened myself to my subconscious, I don't if it makes sense, but I don't really know how to put it in other words. So lately, I've been dwelling on my past and some things that I fully regret. And most of them have to do with my sexuality. Thing is, I don't know what is my exact intention when posting here. I might be looking for comfort, maybe for tips on how to make amends with my past, maybe for reassurance that I'm not the horrible person I think I am, or maybe reassurance that I'm not lesbian or bi (omg this is such an OCD symptom, guess I'm not totally over it lol) I remeber while going throught my ocd thing thinking like, why did i watch lesbian porn and still know that I was 100% straight and now i just cant.

Anyways, I do see a psychiatrist and I told him about my past thing and he said that in a near future we will be discussing my past and stuff, but I will feel soooooooo ashamed of telling him what I'm about to tell you so I really refuse to do that. So basically, there are 4 things that are bugging me. The first memory is my first sexual experience, it was with my cousin who is also a girl. we did some weird stuff, I went down on her and I think she did the same, I can't really remember, it's a really blurry memory, and I think it started when I was 7 and it went on until I was 10? I really can't remember but it happened just like 3 times. I do remember tho, not feeling good, it just felt weird and of course, I knew it was wrong. I talked to her yesterday and we laughed about it so much so it kinda made me feel better. She now has a boyfriend and I this matter never made her question her sexuality, she even forgot about it. My second sexual experience was with a female friend that I had. She was like 3 years older than me and I was like around 8 or 10 its also a blurry memory. And again I went down on her and she did the same to me. But just like my cousin, I didn't enjoy it, I thought it was really weird and wrong and it happened like 2 or 3 times. the thing is, I'm pretty sure she was the one that convinced me of doing it because I remember being so obsessed with her in the sense I thought she had a perfect life and she was like my mentor taking care of me, so everything she said I thought of it to be true so i think she did take advantage of me and in a way, forced me to do it and if I didn't do what she asked me to she got mad and said we couldn't be friends anymore. The 3 sexual thing that I did and I even feel soo ashamed and disgusted of writing it here, was with my dog. And I guess you can imagine what happened so I won't write the details. I was around 11 or 12 and it happened more frequently, like 6 or 7 times. And I actually liked it, so the fact that I enjoyed it makes me feel so sick and disgusted with myself and I feel very bad and guilty that every time I see my new puppy I remember of what I did. Like just thinking that I have this that enjoys that makes me so sad because it makes me think what type of depraved person I am.
And last but not least, something that causes me so much guilt and shame is that I looked for child porn. However, I TOTALLY WAS NOT looking for little girls, i was looking more of girls that looked like me, more of teens about to become adults type of things and this was very recent, like a year ago. but just the fact that I looked it up makes me sick and so disgusted of myself. And its really weird because I knew at the moment that what I was doing was wrong, but I could brush it off if I remembered it later, but now is like I'm stuck with these issues and they are eating me alive because I think like, what if my family or friends found out? they would never want to be with a person so depraved and disgusting. I try to think it as early experiences and such but its lately really hard and its hunting me.

Any advice? words? thank you in advance

Hello there!

You're not horrible, but you need to tell your psychiatrist these things. Don't hold information back from them- they're getting paid to help you. And they can't do that if you hold back.

You are not a horrible person, sweet pea.

First off many times kids have quasi-sexual experiences. Often same-sex, because that's who's handy. Either friends, or in your case (and mine) cousins. That, dear, is perfectly normal.

Also, it's... I'm going to say it was normal, the second go with the older girl you looked up to. She was 11-13, and for me personally, 13 is about the cutoff age past which I think a child really knows better than to pressure a much younger (say 3 or more years) child into sexual activity. So I'm calling that within the norms for sexual experimentation, also. It does seem as if you started a bit young, but y'all are exposed to so much sex these days, it's a wonder y'all don't pop out of the womb sexually aware.

And that leaves the dog. Baby doll, you're not the only one. Not the first, won't be the last, I've thought about it (and did, a little). Don't beat yourself up over that. And ofc you enjoyed it- for one thing, you were in total control; and for another sex is sex. Things get touched/rubbed/licked the right way, doesn't matter who/what is doing it, it's going to feel pleasurable. Seriously, you are far from unusual in this, especially at that age. Kids do all sorts of crazy things.

I think you should tell the psych all these things, because they bother you. But there's nothing here to feel horrid over.

Finally, the porn.... Now, that wasn't pedophilia. For one thing, you're still a kid, yourself. I'd argue it's natural to be sexually excited by one's peers. For you, that was age-appropriate, if such a thing were appropriate.

Which it wasn't. As you know, underage porn is highly illegal. Please don't be looking for that again, not even to 'check' to make sure you're not a pedo or hebephile. Especially to check. But you were what? 16? Looking for around that age? Again, who are you likely to be having sex with at your age... okay then. You're not a horrible person. But to protect yourself, don't do that again.

Okay....

I offer you reassurance on the things in your past. You hadn't really done anything. You're a kid. Kids do $#%^. You aren't horrible, you're not disgusting, you haven't done anything plenty of young people haven't done before you. Now, if this is all tied up in your OCD patterns of thinking, reassurance doesn't get good gas mileage. You're going to have to accept that this was just crazy crap you did and move on with your life. And you might have to make yourself do that, because OCD don't let $#%^ go voluntarily.

I offer you... no reassurance on the sexuality. You're 17. You... what you are, or are not, is something you have to decide for yourself. You haven't talked about how you feel about boys, baby doll. We're not going to count, however, the things you did with girls as a preteen and adolescent. In fact, the better sexuality self-test specifically ask about experiences AFTER adolescence. Because kids experiment with each other, same sex (because that's who's available) all the time. it's considered normal behavior. So, past the age of 13, say- how do you feel about girls? About boys? What feels right. Not what you want to be, or wish you were, but what feels NATURAL. I'm a Bi male, and have been since around 13. I denied it, fought it, pretended I wasn't, thought I was straight, thought I was gay, on and on and on, but no matter how much I don't like being Bi, that's what feels natural. And that's what you have to go by, and if you can, shove aside the OCD fears and the second-guessing and the overthinking and the overanalyzing.

If you want to talk more about possibility of HOCD, please do post in the OCD forum.... if you think you might really be Bi or Les, then think about posting in Relationships ->Sexuality.

But let's try and put this feeling of being a terrible person behind you, okay sweetie? Because you're not. The only thing I'd worry about, is the looking at underage stuff. That's something you never want to do, not out of curiosity, or to 'check' OCD fears, or anything like that. Again, though, I'm just thinking of you and the law, and I don't think you were horrible. You were that age, yourself.

okay sweets? you're not terrible.

Absolutely agreed (man, Snaga did a good job covering for me while I was away this last month!)

It must be super hard being a kid today growing up with the internet. I remember being around 14/15 and looking at anime girls lots because they looked closer to my own age than anything else I saw online. I saw a newspaper article recently about the crisis of sexting here in Britain... how thousands and thousands of teenagers are technically guilty of sending child porn to each other. This is obviously a problem as it can involve exploitation (pictures being shared without consent) and really I don't think early sexual relationships need to be so full-on or performative.

But I'm also very glad that most kids don't get arrested for this stuff **because that is not why the laws were set up** Obviously the laws were established to protect kids (like yourself!) from adult predators. And the fact is, without good sex education in schools so many kids are going to make mistakes and have regrets because they're just learning about this stuff on their own from the internet. And the internet can be a strange and troubling place!

So, I don't think you have anything here to beat yourself up over. As Snaga said, in the second instance, it sounds like you were pressured into something you didn't want to do - and while I'd never be too harsh on a 13-year-old, that was wrong of her and she should have known better. With the dog... though it might seem unusual the dog really wouldn't have been harmed by the experience.

You're obviously a decent, reflective person, just anxious. You sound pretty normal for your age all told. I wouldn't worry too much about whether you're bi or gay tbh ~ it's definitely the kind of anxiety that 10 years down the line won't seem too important. I think going forward you'll have relationships - whether in the near future or a few years down the line - that'll help you feel more normal and happy and you won't have so much guilt and anxiety about your past.