Remorse and substance abuse

I'm not sure where this is supposed to be posted exactly because it regards substance abuse and self harm but it ties into my guilt

I'm in my mid teens and because of my extreme guilt I often have the urge to seek out using alcohol or drugs when possible. I very rarely have the opportunity to do so though, so my guilt lingers for ages and builds up.
I was clean from self injury for almost a year now and yesterday I couldn't find anything else so I cut myself. They were shallow cuts though and probably won't scar.
Basically I feel very close to putting myself in the hospital because I just want to be powerless over my own guilt. I don't know how to explain it but I don't want to live anymore but I don't want to die.

I've been where you are. I'd rather live than die, but I don't want to live with the guilt...

I realize that if I want to continue living, guilt and remorse are unavoidable. A right can not be made a wrong and no matter how many good deeds I do, it will never make me any better for the wrongs I committed. I also realize that it's a lesson and something to learn from and that lesson is that I should never treat a person in any manner that I myself wouldn't want to be treated in, but only if they have shown no malice towards either myself or anyone else who's undeserving of said behavior or if I feel like I need to defend myself.

I expect the same code of conduct out of others and will stand up for what I believe is right when there is an injustice being done.

I like living sometimes, there are surely good things to do but they are few and far between.
The only reason I'm still alive in all honesty is because of my fear something will happen to my sister.

WeirdKid wrote:I like living sometimes, there are surely good things to do but they are few and far between.
The only reason I'm still alive in all honesty is because of my fear something will happen to my sister.

I updated my previous post.

Love is what keeps you alive and it's what keeps me alive too. I also have a fear of killing myself.

There is nothing wrong with love for family members being what keeps you alive. Much the same for me too w/ my little sis. I can definitely see the temptation of substance abuse but it's led my best friend down a dark path and it's hard to get a hold on, especially if all your social contacts end up being dealers or users. Do you have any hobbies? While often my guilt and self-loathing is too intense for me to read or listening to music or play games, I am blessed with the knack for being able to find books or artists or films that really speak to me so I am - at least - never in danger of being bored.