I have suicidal thoughts and feel like a monster

I'm not sure if I should commit suicide or not, because sometimes my memories are over-exaggerated and not accurate but if they are I would probably hurt myself really badly.
Basically I grew up and still live in a household where my mother makes bad decisions and is emotionally abusive to my stepdad, me and my brother.
I also grew up in a household where my parents owned pets that they couldn't look after. I have essentially convinced them to rehome all of them but recently I have been thinking about it almost every hour of the day. I witnessed my mother hit my brother's dog and have trouble remembering it because I guess my brain has tried to block it out. I also block out memories of being hit by my father, but it's unrelated. I have a phobia of animal abuse and have OCD that makes me question if I have ever hit my dog but I have no memory of doing so. My parents also kept two birds caged and were irresponsible with feeding them (I knew this to an extent and did look after them but I always assumed they were reasonably cared for) and I can't believe I was so idle and ignorant of it. I rarely spent time with my family and never really thought of them as irresponsible till recently. I never did anything to stop all this happening in my household growing up and I'll never get over the past because it's too disgusting to let go of.

Hey WeirdKid, hope ur okay, just thought I'd share a few things. Firstly killing yourself is not the solution here. I'm also from a similar background and, like you, every day I feel like killing myself. But I won't do it because no matter how bad it gets i know there are people I would hurt very much who have also grown up in the same household as me, shared my experience, and they need me. I'm sure your brother needs you too. So please don't do it. You have to keep fighting. even if it's for him.

It sounds like such a familiar situation to me. Abusive narcissistic mother who drove my father away and abused us. We also had 2 birds and a rabbit. All of which died due to neglect from my mothers part. She never loved the pets, they were always stressed and felt under threat just like we did. Can't you see? This isn't your fault man, it sounds like your mums. And your poor memory might be your brains way of protecting you because it hurts so bad . I want u to know ur not alone. We are with u, and we care about you, and there's plenty you can learn from the people on here.

Could your step dad offer you any support through these feelings? What about your brother? And how old are you?

I let it happen though, and while it's true I was ignorant to a lot of it I knew to an extent what was happening and the abuse going on and I stupidly let it happen. Never said a word against my mother until late 2014 to early last year when I realized I had to take action and rehome these animals.
My step father is treated like trash but he has thoroughly supported my mother since the beginning. We don't always get along but I feel his struggle. They have a newborn daughter together and I can feel that my mother wasn't ready for another child in this household. Nothing is clear to me anymore and there isn't a family member I know who I can go to.

I assume you were a child when all this was going on, and it's not easy for a child to confront adults about their behaviour. Many adults don't appreciate being told what (not) to do by a child, even (and often especially) if the child is right, which you would have been.

So you can't blame yourself for that.

You got these animals re-homed. You saved them. That's amazing. You absolutely did a good thing there and you should feel a tremendous strength in that. But I understand your OCD is tainting your role in all this.

You are at least aware that it is your OCD making you feel like this and awareness is half the battle. But just take a moment to think rationally about what has happened - you saved those animals. Your OCD can't take away the reality of that. The OCD comes from an irrational part of the mind, so it is not reliable source of evidence for what happened. Just because a thought pops up and demands attention, doesn't make it true.

You need to strengthen the rational part of your mind so it becomes the gatekeeper for your thoughts. If you have a paranoid thought, don't follow it just because it's there, lay out what you KNOW happened in front of you and disregard the rest.

I was around 9-13 before I began realizing how messed up everything was. I remember when I was 13 my parents never bothered to feed the two caged birds they had before going away for a week. I never argued with them even then.
I know that these animals are alive and well now but how can I really come to terms with living in a household where this sort of thing happened?
I don't think my remorse can make up for what's been done to be honest, and maybe my OCD does make it worse but I'll never be able to right these wrongs.

You will come to terms with it in time.

It's not right for a 13 year old to have to school their parents on how to take care of animals. I can totally understand why you were reluctant to do it. You probably trusted them and didn't feel it your duty to interfere. But as you matured and became more aware you did the right thing.

The animals are fine now. Animals live in the present moment. They won't be dwelling on the past so there's no need for you to.

I know it sounds like I'm just looking for reasons to hate myself but I keep coming back to the same thought. I could have done more at that point in time.
I imagine telling a therapist about this situation and having them tell me something along the lines of "if you really cared you would have done everything." And I didn't do everything.
The reason I haven't already done myself in yet is because of my sister, and what would happen to her if I died on her. She could grow up in the very same complacent household and I don't want that for her.

There are many circumstances where we all feel we haven't done enough.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but throughout your life there will surely be other times where you look back and feel you could have done more or acted sooner.

Most don't feel bad for very long, because they see it as a lesson they can learn from and do better next time. But because of your OCD, you are trapped in this negative thought cycle. You won't simply learn the lesson and move on (aside from the fact you did the right thing in the end).

Therefore your main focus is seeking help for your OCD, not in trying to justify or condemn what happened in the past.

A child is never responsible for the behaviour of their parents - especially when one of those parents is abusive. You did a wonderful thing in getting those pets rehoused. As Epiphany said, animals live in the present moment - I am sure they are fine and happy and healthy now. And that's all because of you! I don't even know you and I'm still proud of you!! :p