I think I fake remorse; anyone else?

Does anyone else have the feeling that they fake remorse? Without getting into specifics, I feel like I often beat myself up over something I've done wrong that I think I should feel bad about, but (I imagine) only for that reason -- because I think I should feel bad about it. What I mean is, I'm questioning whether I actually feel remorse over what I've done (and I mean big things, like molesting my sister when we were children) or if I'm just yelling at myself to convince myself that I feel bad when I really don't. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, but basically it's like this: I think to myself, "I should feel bad about this" so I start yelling at myself and forcing myself to feel bad and hate myself over it. At that point, I question whether I actually feel remorse about it or whether it's completely fake. Then I feel bad that I'm a horrible person who doesn't feel remorse about doing terrible things, which is what prompted me to write this.

Is anyone else familiar with this cycle? I've been dealing with this for around a year, and at one point I realized: 1) that if I start beating myself up because I feel obligated to feel bad before I even have the chance to feel bad naturally, it's no wonder I never "really" feel bad; and 2) ultimately what matters is the well-being of the person I've harmed, not how bad I feel anyway (I think). But I'm just curious if this has happened to anyone else? Also, does anyone have any advice to help get over the self-pitying part of remorse? How much remorse is enough remorse?

Whether you think the remorse is fake or not isn't really the issue. The final question you asked points to the outcomes you need to move on...

How much remorse is enough remorse?

1) Enough to ensure you will never again do what created the remorse.

2) Enough to get you to make amends and make right (as far as possible) your wrongs.

Some people take it a step further and use it to help people who had no connection to their past actions.

Feeling bad alone is not going to change anything. The feeling bad part has to be a catalyst for action and change. These bad feelings are your brain in survival mode, processing harmful actions as a potential threat to your survival (you do harm, you risk being rejected by "the tribe", or society). It's supposed to lead to a resolution that will secure your place among other beings.

Hating yourself is just directing that energy inwardly and creates a negative feedback loop, instead of turning it into productive, outward energy that will increase positive feedback in the brain (helping others).

So don't just see it as "feeling bad". Try and dig a little deeper and figure out what is really going on inside your brain when these feelings arise. The solution(s) will be clearer when you can look at things more rationally.

Yeah, but I don't fake it for myself, I fake it so everyone thinks I'm remorseful.