
I followed a girl on twitter when I was 15 and always had a crush on her, even though I hadn't seen her face and she wasn't from my city, she was friends with my older friends, so I assumed she was my age. We used to talk through mentions about music and stuff, and it was kind of obvious we had a crush on each other, so we exchanged numbers and actually got to talk about us. She told me she was 13 and I thought she was joking, no one believed it. She showed me and my friends a picture of her and she didn't even look 13. It felt so weird being 16 and having a huge crush on a 13 years old but we kept talking.
Eventually, it got serious. We really liked each other. I liked her so much and I cared about her, but we would always fight, and I didn't know why she didn't understand me, ever (maybe I had forgotten she was 13). We were never in an "official" relationship because we discussed way too much, but we loved each other; at least I did. She'd get mad for every little thing and would stop talking to me for a week, for a month, for months, but we always got back together.
It was like that for a whole other year, until she dumped me and I thought we weren't gonna get back together, so I tried to forget her and I met new people, but especially, I met someone my age that was a dream. This person was not from my city either but it was different, we trusted and liked each other, we were friends. We would skype for hours with our cameras on. I never did that with her, I didn't even knew how she actually looked like because in all that time I had only seen like 3 pics (seriously).
Long story short: got in a relationship with the person I met, but the girl came back. I didn't know what to do cause I never really stopped loving her, I just met someone else (as bad as it sounds) that actually understood me. Sadly, I commited the mistake of not telling her I was in a relationship and still talked to her. When she found out, she got so mad (and of course she was going to be). I told the person I was with about it, and it was really supportive, but I couldn't tell her the complete truth because I didn't want to hurt her more. Anyways, she ended up finding out almost everything and we stopped talking again. The months passed and I couldn't live with the idea that someone I loved so much thought that I didn't care about her, so I decided to text her and tell her I was so sorry for what had happened... And it started again...
One day she told me that she was in my city and wanted to meet me, maybe I could have said no... but of course I didn't, so we met. By this time, she was 15 almost 16 and I was 18 almost 19 (her birthday is a few days before mine), and she looked older than me.
I asked the boy I was with for a time, and I decided to gave her a chance, but the more we saw each other, the more awkward started being for me the fact that she was 3 years younger. It was just weird, I never thought about that while we were online because I never saw her, and she was mature, so I thought the age gap wouldn't matter. But it felt bad to kiss her/touch her. We didn't have sex, I only touched her over her clothes and it still felt bad? So when I finally decided to tell her that I felt bad about the age gap she told me stuff like: "why didn't you think that when you were kissing me?!", "so 13 years old are getting pregnant and I can't kiss a girl I'm in love with?" and that's when I knew that the age really did matter. I kissed her because I loved her, because I had been waiting for two years, but that was going to be all. Everything felt so wrong, and even if she was happy with me, I just felt like someone older taking advantage. Don't know why, because I did love her. Maybe the fact that I've been diagnosed with OCD and borderline personality has to do with me feeling this bad? I don't know.
Everything feels so huge and wrong and I end up destroying every relationship I have. Seriously, I don't know if it's my OCD, but I feel like I abused her, even if we didn't have sex (in any form). I feel so bad, my head hurts.
A lot of people close to me (mom and actual boyfriend) have been abused, I don't even like being around kids anymore because of that and I never want to be toxic for someone, so I cut off everything with the girl "for reasons unknown" and she hates me now. She hates me because I got back with my boyfriend. She hates me because I'm an "hypocrate", which makes me feel bad, because I broke my own heart in order to make everyone happy and I'm the one who can't sleep. I let everybody victimize themselves and admit it, this is the first time I actually went off on this from my point of view.
I'm so exhausted, and I don't know what to do. I kind of want to apologize to her and tell her why I did what I did, but at the same time I think she won't understand. I know she won't. She thinks she's so smart for her age and yes, she is, but when it comes to understand other people's reasons she's not. I don't want to get back with her at all, she's too young. I'm 19 years old. But I don't deserve her hate, because I genuinely cared.
If you read this I'd like to know your opinion on it, cause althought my friends know the story, they don't see it as a big deal, but for me it is.