A big mess. I'm so exhausted.

Hello everyone, I hope you're having a nice day... This is how my online mess became a real life nightmare.

I followed a girl on twitter when I was 15 and always had a crush on her, even though I hadn't seen her face and she wasn't from my city, she was friends with my older friends, so I assumed she was my age. We used to talk through mentions about music and stuff, and it was kind of obvious we had a crush on each other, so we exchanged numbers and actually got to talk about us. She told me she was 13 and I thought she was joking, no one believed it. She showed me and my friends a picture of her and she didn't even look 13. It felt so weird being 16 and having a huge crush on a 13 years old but we kept talking.

Eventually, it got serious. We really liked each other. I liked her so much and I cared about her, but we would always fight, and I didn't know why she didn't understand me, ever (maybe I had forgotten she was 13). We were never in an "official" relationship because we discussed way too much, but we loved each other; at least I did. She'd get mad for every little thing and would stop talking to me for a week, for a month, for months, but we always got back together.

It was like that for a whole other year, until she dumped me and I thought we weren't gonna get back together, so I tried to forget her and I met new people, but especially, I met someone my age that was a dream. This person was not from my city either but it was different, we trusted and liked each other, we were friends. We would skype for hours with our cameras on. I never did that with her, I didn't even knew how she actually looked like because in all that time I had only seen like 3 pics (seriously).

Long story short: got in a relationship with the person I met, but the girl came back. I didn't know what to do cause I never really stopped loving her, I just met someone else (as bad as it sounds) that actually understood me. Sadly, I commited the mistake of not telling her I was in a relationship and still talked to her. When she found out, she got so mad (and of course she was going to be). I told the person I was with about it, and it was really supportive, but I couldn't tell her the complete truth because I didn't want to hurt her more. Anyways, she ended up finding out almost everything and we stopped talking again. The months passed and I couldn't live with the idea that someone I loved so much thought that I didn't care about her, so I decided to text her and tell her I was so sorry for what had happened... And it started again...

One day she told me that she was in my city and wanted to meet me, maybe I could have said no... but of course I didn't, so we met. By this time, she was 15 almost 16 and I was 18 almost 19 (her birthday is a few days before mine), and she looked older than me.

I asked the boy I was with for a time, and I decided to gave her a chance, but the more we saw each other, the more awkward started being for me the fact that she was 3 years younger. It was just weird, I never thought about that while we were online because I never saw her, and she was mature, so I thought the age gap wouldn't matter. But it felt bad to kiss her/touch her. We didn't have sex, I only touched her over her clothes and it still felt bad? So when I finally decided to tell her that I felt bad about the age gap she told me stuff like: "why didn't you think that when you were kissing me?!", "so 13 years old are getting pregnant and I can't kiss a girl I'm in love with?" and that's when I knew that the age really did matter. I kissed her because I loved her, because I had been waiting for two years, but that was going to be all. Everything felt so wrong, and even if she was happy with me, I just felt like someone older taking advantage. Don't know why, because I did love her. Maybe the fact that I've been diagnosed with OCD and borderline personality has to do with me feeling this bad? I don't know.

Everything feels so huge and wrong and I end up destroying every relationship I have. Seriously, I don't know if it's my OCD, but I feel like I abused her, even if we didn't have sex (in any form). I feel so bad, my head hurts.

A lot of people close to me (mom and actual boyfriend) have been abused, I don't even like being around kids anymore because of that and I never want to be toxic for someone, so I cut off everything with the girl "for reasons unknown" and she hates me now. She hates me because I got back with my boyfriend. She hates me because I'm an "hypocrate", which makes me feel bad, because I broke my own heart in order to make everyone happy and I'm the one who can't sleep. I let everybody victimize themselves and admit it, this is the first time I actually went off on this from my point of view.

I'm so exhausted, and I don't know what to do. I kind of want to apologize to her and tell her why I did what I did, but at the same time I think she won't understand. I know she won't. She thinks she's so smart for her age and yes, she is, but when it comes to understand other people's reasons she's not. I don't want to get back with her at all, she's too young. I'm 19 years old. But I don't deserve her hate, because I genuinely cared.


If you read this I'd like to know your opinion on it, cause althought my friends know the story, they don't see it as a big deal, but for me it is.

My own experiences are too close to your own for me to have any distance I think (I was 4-and-a-half, rather than three years older, but we got together when she was turning 17, rather than 16. We'd also been online friends for many years and similarly she was not keen when I got into a relationship with someone my own age and it was when this age-appropriate relationship fell apart, that our intimacy deepened). Firstly, I think you need to cut yourself some major slack for not crossing sexual boundaries. In my case we did have sexual interactions (once attempting intercourse but stopping when it was uncomfortable) and this haunts me still daily over 7 years later. I live here in Britain and actually talked to the police here about it so the chances of my suffering consequences are very slim indeed... but that actually makes it worse in some ways as without punishment I have found it very hard to feel I deserve to move on.

Like you, I have also been disastrous in any subsequent relationships because I was just consumed by the regrets of this previous relationship and, as such, completely alienated my two following partners by talking endlessly about it. It's very hard to resist, but it's something you really need to try as hard as you can to stop doing.

I think for lonely young people who don't have so many friends at school, when they meet someone online who they feel they connect with, it's very hard to just cut off that relationship when it is discovered that they are younger, especially if there have been several years of being told they were older, or being legit mistaken or confused about their age. However, if there is romantic interest, such a friendship really has to be cut off, however painful. But it's far easier said in retrospect.

Personally speaking you seem like a decent and reflective person. If it helps, medical/ psychological literature would generally define you as peers as you were within 5 years of each other. I don't know the laws of where the kissing/ making out occurred, but really without greater sexual contact, you are mistaken to ever think of yourself as a criminal or predator. You are not.

So, the only thing to feel legit worry about is that you hurt the feelings of someone you cared/ care about. Sadly I think that this was unavoidable once the friendship had been developed. It's clear you didn't abuse or traumatise her however. She will, as she gets older, move forward from this. As such, I really think you deserve to as well.

Thank you for your words. Yesterday something big ocurred between some friends of Annie and my friends, they also attacked me and I honestly understood. I felt like I had to be responsible and explain her the actual reasons. I told her I felt like I was abusing her, I told her I have OCD and I told her I was really sensible when it came to things like sexual abuse...

She was pissed off at first, then she understood and told me really nice things. She told me she never felt abused, and that I had to believe her. We are on good terms now, that doesn't mean we are getting back tho, cause we are not.

I just feel bad now because I had to trust her personal stuff that involved other people for her to understand me. The thoughts that haunted me because of what relatives have told me just plugs my OCD. But I trust her, and she's not an stranger. She was kind about it. I hope I stop feeling bad soon.

This all sounds great though! She clarified that you didn't abuse her, gave you kind words, and you gave her a clear explanation for your behaviour! Honestly try to be at peace because this sounds like such a positive resolution.

Right now I'm just trying to stop feeling guilty for telling her about my mom and bf, even though they will never know I did, and even though she's truthful. I felt like I needed to. I didn't mean to use them as an excuse and I don't deserve thinking that I did that, I love them, I support them and care about them. I am glad I'm on good terms with everyone now, except with my guilt obsession.

I definitely think you'll be okay It's just your OCD.