I've become an internet troll/bully

I'm not a career troll, I've never done anything like this before other than get into snarky arguments with people online over the years. I've never bullied anyone in real life. I'm shy and sensitive. But this is new and so unlike anything I've ever done to cope.

I post stories on a writing website, and a week ago I had what I think was a case of very bad PMS that had me reeling I was so out of it. Because of how I'm not the most popular writer (wanting to be the best has plagued me my whole life) I thought I'd leave guest comments on my rival's stories saying they've been reported for content that's against the rules. Just to scare them. Then that escalated and I made a sockpuppet account and put said stories on a list for other people to report.

Then it escalated again and I started telling people off, saying they've been reported, that I wished their story violated the terms so I could report them. Just mean and nasty things about their writing and stories. I made a list on my profile of people who had complied with the rules and those that have not. Truth is, I don't care about them violating the rules. It's just a platform to use to troll them.

I've gotten one person to stop writing, one deleted their story, and another deleted a few chapters. I mean yes, they were violating the rules but I was so mean about it. I'm a writer and I'm hindering their creativity. Just because I am so insanely angry and jealous that THEY get all the praise and attention when I don't. Being nice, sweet old me hasn't gotten me my fame, but this has. Easy. Instant. More people than I can count cussing me out and talking about me. That's all I wanted was everyone to know me and talk about me. My whole life.

And the worst part? I've trolled myself with this account. So now everyone thinks I'm a victim of the troll. The people I've targeted have talked to me about how awful this troll is and I'll agree. I mean, I've gone so far as to go after people that read my stories, commented and prasied, then never continued. I wanted them to suffer for having forgotten about me and tossed me aside.

I'm going back and forth from having fun with this, enjoying all the attention my way, and crying and feeling so horrible about it. I'll be having a conversation with a perfectly lovely person with my real account, then telling them their writing is slop on the other. It's like an addiction that gets me high. Every day I tell myself this is the last day, that I'm done with this.

This ugliness has been building inside me for a long time, and now it's all coming out I guess.

You're certainly not alone in doing this or having done this. My ex- went through a period when she was a teenager of trolling quite aggressively and IRL she's a very shy individual who cares about writing more than anything else and is generally a decent sort of person. I think it probably came from the fact that she has that same combination of wanting to succeed and be complimented with a low self-esteem.

The fact is there will *always* be writers more highly regarded than yourself and other writers who are less well regarded. There are millions of writers in this world. The important thing is that your stories get through to some individuals in a way that other stories haven't and bring pleasure to your readers. It would be a dull world if people only read the work of one author considered the best. Your writing isn't inter-changeable with anyone else's and denigrating others' writing doesn't make yours any better (or worse).

I can understand if you don't want to do some big reveal by saying that you were the troll all along. But obviously you need to cut this out. Luckily it sounds like your trolling hasn't resulted in anything so bad as of yet, but you would be devastated if someone hurt themselves after you had bullied them. You're clearly a decent and self-reflective person so this is a good reason for you to stop now.

Since you have this anger and competitiveness inside of you how about taking up something like kick-boxing in your spare time? Otherwise I think it's quite possible to expend this kind of anger through something like videogames! One of my closest friends is shy, not-combative and one of the loveliest people you could ever hope to meet, but when it comes to games he is *astonishingly* vicious!!! Hurling small animals off cliffs; making his daughter work at the church until she died of exhaustion; starting fights with random strangers! But none of this has any immoral weight or RL consequences - I think he does it because video games allow him a space to be as cruel or mean or angry as he wants to me without hurting anyone at all.

Thanks for your reply, sprock. It's gotten more complex since I posted here. I actually started this after I myself received a warning from a user for the content I had posted, then I thought I'd paste the same warning into other people's comment sections. Now, I'm actually being targeted by a few anonymous users because I put the story back up (which other people think are from the troll persona of mine). It's a whole mess of a situation.

I hate to say I haven't yet stopped, but it's started to become a little less exciting. It just discourages me with life as a whole because I try being honest, hard-working, and committed and get hardly anything. Then I try taking the attention I want and get instant success.

Actually, I've wanted to take up Karate to learn how to be more assertive, feel powerful, and burn off some anger. I haven't yet, but your suggestion makes me think it's finally time I do that.

No problem. I definitely think karate or some kind of martial arts/ self-defense is a great idea. I get the impression from your posts that in the past you've not allowed yourself to be angry so now you have anger you don't really know what to do with it. I think it is a good idea to distance yourself from the trolling, not just for the people you might upset, but also for yourself. It's not really doing you any good and there are better and more constructive ways to gain a feeling of empowerment and mastery. Obviously keep up the writing, but getting out and doing something active seems like the best plan for you at the moment. Good luck!