Struggling. How bad am I?

Hello,

I've been struggling lately with some things from my past. Basically, I am having a hard time figuring out how to cope with my actions. It's getting to the point where I can't sleep or focus on anything else during the day. I've been having dark thoughts about self harm that I've never had before.

About 8-9 years ago (I am 32 now) I was hanging out with friends, and friends of friends, at their house. My friend's sister's friend was there, whom I had met a few times before. That night we were (in my recollection) very flirty with each other. As the night went on I got very drunk (not an excuse). After she went to sleep on the couch, I went to find her and climbed onto the couch with her. She woke up and I started to kiss her, and she kissed back. Then I started to feel her up below the waist - basically started to finger her (sorry to be graphic but want to be accurate). Then she said that it didn't feel right, so I stopped immediately, and left the room and didn't bother her again.

I worry that I did something terrible, as I feel I may have drastically misread the situation. What if she wasn't flirting at all and that's something I told myself? What if she wasn't kissing me back and that's just how I remember it? If that's the case and I put myself in her shoes, I am terrified that I am a rapist or other type of sex offender.

I regret having done all this, and can't figure out how to reconcile what I did with moving forward. I feel like garbage, and I don't know how I'm supposed to move on. I know what I did was wrong. How bad am I? Just a creep, or a full on rapist? What do I do?

Thanks in advance. And I'm sorry if this upset anyone. I could use some impartial advice, judgment, whatever. Don't sugar coat it - I need to know.

Personally speaking, the fact that you stopped when she told you to indicates that you have a conscience and from the information provided alone I wouldn't say you're a rapist. The seriousness of what you did (which was wrong/ careless) depends IMO on if you initiated anything while she was still asleep and how awake/ engaged/ responsive she was when you started kissing and then touching.

At the very least I think your story is good justification for why the national conversation needs to be moving towards verbal enthusiastic consent. Obviously if you'd asked clearly first about what you wanted to do, you wouldn't have risked hurting someone and wouldn't now have the anxiety that you have (though it's always easier to say such things in retrospect).

I think the conversation around sex and consent has shifted and developed enormously over the last decade - probably what you did a decade ago would have been considered more 'acceptable' then than it is now. I don't mean for this to let you off the hook, but I also feel we are all products of our culture and social environment. You were working with an old-fashioned model of consent. But you have learned and will do better.

in short, I'd say you were morally shabby and your actions worthy of a disdainful headshake (as have been my own) but fall short of being monstrous or evil, from your description. I think the best thing you can do now is call out other guys if you see them doing or saying anything that seems predatory and maybe even getting involved in sex consent education or donating money to an organisation that does that.

There is also the possibility [edit: which I don't think is necessarily a good one - please read the bold below for a caveat] of you making contact with this woman and apologising. I did with this my ex- who I victimised and I apologised unreservedly, asked her what language she would want me to use to frame things with (she said that she didn't see my behaviour in 'legal terms' but that I had 'pushed' her 'boundaries' - I consider my behaviour to have been sexual assault, but I don't want to press that reading onto her - a lot of my mental work on a day-to-day basis is maintain and respecting that irreconcilable ambiguity) and I offered to instigate legal action against myself (which she outright declined). We've not talked since and I would never contact her again unless she did so first.

That said, my ex and I had known each other for a long time before we dated and were together for several months so it was - I hope - less out-of-the-blue and intimidating for her to be contacted by me. Generally I think the exchange was useful for the both of us.

Many individuals who have been or feel victimised (not saying that the young woman in your case necessarily was or feels like she was) would be very triggered to receive a message out of a blue from their victimiser. So, unless you have a way of checking without someone else that this would not be upsetting for her, I suggest avoiding that route for the time being.

So, the work is with making amends to society and learning to live with yourself. I think meditation can help with the latter and volunteering with the former. You're clearly not a monster and I think the other people on this forum would agree. I hope some of this is helpful.

All best,
Sprock

Thank you for your reply. This does help. I still feel very terribly about it, and it may take some time to come to grips, but your advice is sound. I think that it's bothering me more lately because of what you said, that the conversation is different and very prevalent today, more so than before (in my experience anyway). And as you said, I don't mean to 'let myself off the hook' either, but perhaps I can use my experience as a catalyst for something productive and good. Thanks again, you do good work here.

Thanks you for the kind words! I definitely think the conversation has changed significantly (for the better!) over the last ten years and there is slight pretense that it was ever thus... [[trigger warning for description of fictional rape on British television]]

For example, there was a programme on tv here the only month called 'Sex on Trial' (okay, terrible title!) in which a group of teenagers were made to watch a section of drama in which a guy gets into bed with a sleeping woman, after she'd said she's not interested, then ends up putting his penis in her mouth while she's still half-asleep. The kids then had to say whether it was rape or not and discuss their reasons why. The majority said that it was and a minority weren't sure because she didn't say anything just before or during the act (because she was half-asleep and obviously scared and unwilling!!)

There was outrage in the national press about how 'this generation' of young people have warped ideas about what rape is and that this has always been completely clear to the baby boomers and wtf is up with millennials Heaven help us?!

But then I think of how much stuff was hushed up in the 70s and how many rock bands had brazen lyrics about having "sex" with 14-year-old groupies and how many people were outraged when Dave Lee Travis (a British DJ) was sent down for "only" grabbing women's breasts and how many people just absolutely failed to see that as sexual assault. And I think actually this generation (millennials) has been moving the conversation forward in a way that our parent's generation hasn't and that if you look in the comments sections of newspaper articles (and even read between the lines of opinion pieces) you can see thousands of adults quite desperately checking against one another to try to establish what is okay and what isn't okay and then making sure like they appear as though they never had any doubts in their mind in the first place about what was abusive and what wasn't.

So, I think it is honest of you to admit that you have felt confused and unsure of where you stand. I think that takes a degree of self-awareness that a lot of people don't have.

I also feel strongly that you can help contribute to change. Here in Britain we have a charity called 'Sexpression' which I was involved in during my post-grad, teaching positive sex ed to children (because the state still doesn't insist on it and many schools go without). Maybe you could see if there is something like that you could be involved with or even a woman's shelter?

I think you handled the situation very well for a guy that young. You were flirting and she kissed you back when you made a move. You took it a step further (someone has to initiate). You stopped when she gave you the hint.

Yes, someone has to initiate, and often words aren't used because it can be more of a turn on to explore the limits using our hands or lips. The important thing is we stop when the other person physicalises or ideally verbalises their non-consent. You got the message and you stopped. So I'm not sure why you feel terrible.

It's good that we are generally more conscious of consent and crossing the line now, but at the same time there may be a tendency to overcompensate and get paranoid about perfectly reasonable/innocent behaviour. Try to keep a clear head about it, be rational and don't let your mind run away with it.