Hello,
I've been struggling lately with some things from my past. Basically, I am having a hard time figuring out how to cope with my actions. It's getting to the point where I can't sleep or focus on anything else during the day. I've been having dark thoughts about self harm that I've never had before.
About 8-9 years ago (I am 32 now) I was hanging out with friends, and friends of friends, at their house. My friend's sister's friend was there, whom I had met a few times before. That night we were (in my recollection) very flirty with each other. As the night went on I got very drunk (not an excuse). After she went to sleep on the couch, I went to find her and climbed onto the couch with her. She woke up and I started to kiss her, and she kissed back. Then I started to feel her up below the waist - basically started to finger her (sorry to be graphic but want to be accurate). Then she said that it didn't feel right, so I stopped immediately, and left the room and didn't bother her again.
I worry that I did something terrible, as I feel I may have drastically misread the situation. What if she wasn't flirting at all and that's something I told myself? What if she wasn't kissing me back and that's just how I remember it? If that's the case and I put myself in her shoes, I am terrified that I am a rapist or other type of sex offender.
I regret having done all this, and can't figure out how to reconcile what I did with moving forward. I feel like garbage, and I don't know how I'm supposed to move on. I know what I did was wrong. How bad am I? Just a creep, or a full on rapist? What do I do?
Thanks in advance. And I'm sorry if this upset anyone. I could use some impartial advice, judgment, whatever. Don't sugar coat it - I need to know.