i feel so sad

Hello,
I would like to start by saying i am a teen and something came back to me recently that i guess i forced myself to forget for the past 4 years and i really am having trouble explaining this so im going to start from the beginning. Let me first begin the story by saying that this happened 4 times in my life and i feel so wrong for everything i did and now i cant think about it without getting extremely sad and depressed or crying to god asking for help its been affecting me so much lately that i just go in my room and sit their for hours and never leave. You can call me anything i don't care whatever you call me even if its rude i deserve it. The first time anything ever happened between me and my sister was when i was 9 and she was 4 i don't remember how it happened or why but one day me and my sister were playing a game and i asked her if she wanted to kiss and somehow we ended up kissing for a while
and this had happened two more times. And the forth and final time i was 10 and she was 5 and we got naked and we were in a dark room and i couldn't see her so im assuming she couldn't see me. And nothing happened we didn't touch each other when we were naked i remember telling her to close her eyes and then jumping out of the closet and putting on my clothes because i didnt want her to see me even though i was young and i didn't know what sex was i got this sudden feeling like it was wrong and i got out of the closet and then it never ever ever happened again.






so i don't know if anyone can answer this question for me or not but my main question is WHY? Thats the one thing i cant understand is why? Why would i do that at such a young age and why did we get naked or any of that?

I think 'why' is such a difficult question to answer, especially with kids. Kids are weird. Their brains are developing and they have curious ideas that seem inexplicable or even disturbing to adults. I think generally with kids experimentation occurs because they're trying to work through something they've seen in real life or the media or they are processing the very first stirrings of sexuality and it's weird and confusing for them or else it's just as chaotic trying out of possibilities that means very little. I don't actually think it is always useful or forthcoming to over-analyse the behaviour of young children... especially not from an adult perspective. Adults exist in a world of codes, laws and orders that they have slowly been integrated with through a long process of socialisation. Kids are just on the start of that journey (which is one reason why the adult abuse of children is no heinous).

I think this could be something you could talk through in therapy. But I also think that trying to understand 'why' is a potentially fruitless path that will just lead to more self-doubt and anxiety. To this end, I actually think meditation could be the most helpful thing in your particular case and would personally recommend buying a beginner's guide to meditation.

I'm sure others on this forum will give their own responses though. But no-one's going to see you as a monster or a freak or anything like that. It sounds as though there was very limited contact and the kissing occurred when you were still really little. There is no reason for you to feel constant anxiety or guilt over this - none whatsoever. Try to give yourself some peace if you can.

Thank you so much for your reply

sprock wrote:Kids are weird.

Sorry to snip out what was a very reasoned response, but this just sums it up for me.

My goodness if we were truly aware of all the seemingly random and unconscious chemical processes occurring in the brain at a given moment I believe we would find it easy to forgive most adults' transgressions let alone a child's.

It's no surprise that those who have worked in the field of neuroscience for any length of time are the most understanding people when it comes to transgression. They realise just how chaotic the brain is - especially a child's brain.