I abused my brother *TW*

I sexually abused my little brother when he was around 3 and I was around 12 (atm I'm 19). I haven't told anyone about this until just a couple of Days ago and I'm worried about what will happen now. I'm worried that my family will get to know this and idk how to cope with this. I feel so ashamed. And I've Always imagined incest being a brother abusing his sister, but this is the other way around - I, a sister, is abusing my brother. But I guess that also happens.

There's so much anxiety. My brother is the loveliest you could imagine and he would never hurt anyone, so I can't Believe what I've done. But it happened and I need help. I need someone to talk to. And also important, he, my brother, needs help. If he remembered what happened. I feel guilt and I care so much about him and I wonder if he remember what happened or not.

I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry. I don't know if I'll be able to meet my family again once they know what I did. I could really use some... idk, words from someone who has been through similar things I guess. idk. I just feel so ashamed, alone and disgusting.

Firstly, you definitely aren't alone. Even just looking through the archives here there are a lot of girls and young women who feel stricken with guilt over doing what you also did as young children. You aren't a freak or a monster by any stretch of the imagination.

Also, it is important that you were a young child. That doesn't mean that was you did was totally okay or not worth addressing, but it definitely means you should be far, far kinder to yourself now. The fact is, on an objective, scientific level you are *not the same person* at 19 as you were as a 12-year-old. In those seven years your brain has changed and developed in countless ways and will continue to do so for a few more years. You should judge yourself as you would another young child of a similar age. What you did was regrettable, but it was not done with an adult's understanding or morality, nor an adult's self-reflection, self-control or maturity. You should not have to be forever chained to the actions of a 12-year-old girl. You were a kid.

Now you are a young adult I hope that - to some extent at least - you will be able to put a line under the sand at your 18th birthday. International law and increasingly the cultures of the world recognise 18 as the point at which a child becomes an adult. These actions belonged to your childhood. They do not define you as an adult.

As for bringing this up with your family, I think all you can do is to be open to the possibility that one day your brother might bring it up with you (though I think it is unlikely that he will ever remember TBH). I think telling him outright would actually do more to confuse, upset and hurt him than anything else, especially since he is still very young. I also feel that you doing so would be more to assuage your own guilt and anxiety than to help him.I think the important thing for you to do right now is to be more compassionate with yourself and find a way to live with your guilt and anxiety.

Personally, I feel therapy could prove really helpful for this. I'm not convinced you would necessarily be reported, but I live in Britain not America and we may well have different rules regarding this. At the very least, you could seek therapy and just tell your therapist that you were harmful or inappropriate with your brother when you were little, without going into details. I definitely think this can be addressed in therapy without you ended up in prison, which I think is incredibly unlikely and also would be utterly inappropriate and not whatsoever helpful in your case.

You're not a monster. You're a decent, self-reflective human being who did something stupid and regrettable as a young kid. You absolutely have a right to life and you can find a way to live with this. The best thing you can do is to learn to live with yourself and be a positive force for good in the world and the lives of your family. I strongly believe you can do this!

sprock wrote:Firstly, you definitely aren't alone. Even just looking through the archives here there are a lot of girls and young women who feel stricken with guilt over doing what you also did as young children. You aren't a freak or a monster by any stretch of the imagination.

Also, it is important that you were a young child. That doesn't mean that was you did was totally okay or not worth addressing, but it definitely means you should be far, far kinder to yourself now. The fact is, on an objective, scientific level you are *not the same person* at 19 as you were as a 12-year-old. In those seven years your brain has changed and developed in countless ways and will continue to do so for a few more years. You should judge yourself as you would another young child of a similar age. What you did was regrettable, but it was not done with an adult's understanding or morality, nor an adult's self-reflection, self-control or maturity. You should not have to be forever chained to the actions of a 12-year-old girl. You were a kid.

Now you are a young adult I hope that - to some extent at least - you will be able to put a line under the sand at your 18th birthday. International law and increasingly the cultures of the world recognise 18 as the point at which a child becomes an adult. These actions belonged to your childhood. They do not define you as an adult.

As for bringing this up with your family, I think all you can do is to be open to the possibility that one day your brother might bring it up with you (though I think it is unlikely that he will ever remember TBH). I think telling him outright would actually do more to confuse, upset and hurt him than anything else, especially since he is still very young. I also feel that you doing so would be more to assuage your own guilt and anxiety than to help him.I think the important thing for you to do right now is to be more compassionate with yourself and find a way to live with your guilt and anxiety.

Personally, I feel therapy could prove really helpful for this. I'm not convinced you would necessarily be reported, but I live in Britain not America and we may well have different rules regarding this. At the very least, you could seek therapy and just tell your therapist that you were harmful or inappropriate with your brother when you were little, without going into details. I definitely think this can be addressed in therapy without you ended up in prison, which I think is incredibly unlikely and also would be utterly inappropriate and not whatsoever helpful in your case.

You're not a monster. You're a decent, self-reflective human being who did something stupid and regrettable as a young kid. You absolutely have a right to life and you can find a way to live with this. The best thing you can do is to learn to live with yourself and be a positive force for good in the world and the lives of your family. I strongly believe you can do this!

Thank you so much for your words, makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not a monster and that I'm not the same person now etc.

If he brings it up I'll be honest with him, but if he doesn't then Ill keep quiet about it too. I actually brought this up with the staff at the inpatient unit I am at now and they told my parents but neither of them thought it was that big of a deal, like wtf? idk. I'm confused.

sprock wrote:Firstly, you definitely aren't alone. Even just looking through the archives here there are a lot of girls and young women who feel stricken with guilt over doing what you also did as young children. You aren't a freak or a monster by any stretch of the imagination.

Also, it is important that you were a young child. That doesn't mean that was you did was totally okay or not worth addressing, but it definitely means you should be far, far kinder to yourself now. The fact is, on an objective, scientific level you are *not the same person* at 19 as you were as a 12-year-old. In those seven years your brain has changed and developed in countless ways and will continue to do so for a few more years. You should judge yourself as you would another young child of a similar age. What you did was regrettable, but it was not done with an adult's understanding or morality, nor an adult's self-reflection, self-control or maturity. You should not have to be forever chained to the actions of a 12-year-old girl. You were a kid.

Now you are a young adult I hope that - to some extent at least - you will be able to put a line under the sand at your 18th birthday. International law and increasingly the cultures of the world recognise 18 as the point at which a child becomes an adult. These actions belonged to your childhood. They do not define you as an adult.

As for bringing this up with your family, I think all you can do is to be open to the possibility that one day your brother might bring it up with you (though I think it is unlikely that he will ever remember TBH). I think telling him outright would actually do more to confuse, upset and hurt him than anything else, especially since he is still very young. I also feel that you doing so would be more to assuage your own guilt and anxiety than to help him.I think the important thing for you to do right now is to be more compassionate with yourself and find a way to live with your guilt and anxiety.

Personally, I feel therapy could prove really helpful for this. I'm not convinced you would necessarily be reported, but I live in Britain not America and we may well have different rules regarding this. At the very least, you could seek therapy and just tell your therapist that you were harmful or inappropriate with your brother when you were little, without going into details. I definitely think this can be addressed in therapy without you ended up in prison, which I think is incredibly unlikely and also would be utterly inappropriate and not whatsoever helpful in your case.

You're not a monster. You're a decent, self-reflective human being who did something stupid and regrettable as a young kid. You absolutely have a right to life and you can find a way to live with this. The best thing you can do is to learn to live with yourself and be a positive force for good in the world and the lives of your family. I strongly believe you can do this!

Hi Sprock,

Do you feel this is the same for a 15 year old girl?

Many thanks.

Little wrote:Thank you so much for your words, makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not a monster and that I'm not the same person now etc.

If he brings it up I'll be honest with him, but if he doesn't then Ill keep quiet about it too. I actually brought this up with the staff at the inpatient unit I am at now and they told my parents but neither of them thought it was that big of a deal, like wtf? idk. I'm confused.

Well, they probably recognised correctly that you were a young child and accessed that there has been no or little lasting damage. Of course they know you best of all so they'll also be best situated to know that you have changed and that now, as a young woman, you are not the same human being (on a rather literal, neurological level) that you were nearly a decade ago.

---

Guilty, my response would be much the same. I think 15-year-olds have a bit more agency than 12-year-olds, but it is very telling that they still can't consent throughout much of the world. It's really only when a person gets to 16/17 that I think their moral sense might be comparable to that of an adult and even then they are still very much children and should be seen and treated as such.

However, this is just my subjective opinion. I shall reply in more detail in your own thread!

I didn't read the replies, but incase if someone didn't mention it, I would highly recommend NOT mentioning it to your brother. If he doesn't remember, you don't want him to suddenly remember and become a victim over something he didn't know happened. If he does remember, let him talk to you about it in his own time. He may not ever want to talk about it (if he remembers), and maybe he will. The best thing for him is to just not bring it up until he does.
You did do something wrong, there's no denying that, but that does not mean you are inherently a bad person. You may never forgive yourself, but that doesn't mean that you have to punish yourself for the rest of your life. Punishing yourself will not help your brother. Good luck on everything, I hope you're okay.