guilt over sister

I know that there are a lot of similar topics on the forum but I wanted to tell my story.

Recently an old memory came to me regarding my younger sister. I am an 18 year old female, and my sister is three years younger than me.

I have a memory of being naked in bed with her. I'm not sure how old I was but I think around 7/8. I remember playing games like "birth" and "boyfriend and girlfriend". I know I was the one that made up the games. I had a friend who was obsessed with sexual stuff so I guess I got it from her and the media. I also remember kissing her, simulating "making out" like the older people on tv. My memory is fuzzy but I only think this happen twice over a short period of time. I'm pretty sure I had no idea what sex actually was or what it meant because after I found out that's where babies come from, I was scared I was going to get pregnant (obviously not the case).

Now I'm overcome with the guilt. I already had depression, social anxiety and was suicidal prior to remembering thing but now it's 10x worth. I'm a horrible person that does not deserve anything in the world and I just want to end it all. My social anxiety makes it hard to have friends, as I was severely bullied as a kid so my family is all I have. If I tell my parents, I know they'll be furious with me. I'm just really worried about my sister and if she remembers any of this. She says she doesn't remember much of her childhood but I'm scared she thinks I raped her or something. She means the world to me, my one job was to protect her from the world and I messed it up. Please help me, I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't go an hour without remembering it and wanting to die.

Psych, relax! You are a beautiful human being, okay? I feel like crying seeing how much you're torturing yourself : life is hard enough, why become your own worst enemy as well? Please, if you read this, take a few deep breaths… be gentle, root yourself in the present. Slow down a little, huh? Think it all through nice and slow; patience is key… the faster we move in our minds, the harder it is to be wise and think straight.

Kids experiment, its their whole existence! We start of with basically no knowledge.

I suggest not confessing, generally people make a big thing out of something without needing to, and spreading the word only makes those worries more real; because others latch onto them too…

Some people even fall in love with their siblings; and though society as a whole is intolerant towards it, who are we to judge? The key thing is that no one does any harm… Do No Harm : the only rule of life!

You're a lovely person; I can tell. So take it easy will you?

As for the suicide and the rest, I suggest you need to take a little time to get to know yourself. There is an animal, your body, that needs taking care of. This is your duty; and it is well within your capability. So please take a little time to be quiet and alone and listen to yourself; see how you fell; ask yourself questions; focus on your breathing… Sort things out; one thing at a time. Think of it as mental sorting.

Also, there is a lovely website called Collective Evolution that has short and easy articles on meditation; I suggest you take a look; there is a whole life ahead of you : such a fortunate position to be in!

Okay? Lots of love, Ezekiel

I absolutely agree. This was child experimentation and nothing to feel guilty about. Also, note that Ezekiel of Flames must have registered a new account to tell you this so they clearly feel 100% sure that this is the case. You are so clearly a thoughtful and decent human being. Please do not kill yourself and try to treat yourself with some kindness and compassion. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that this is what you deserve.

Thank you so much! Your replies really mean a lot to me. It really helps to have other people's opinions on the situations outside of my own mind. I think what is worrying me so much is how my sister feels about it. I understand that I was young and imitating what I was exposed to, but I still feel so guilty. I think it's the fact that it was with my sister who I care about so much, I probably wouldn't feel this way if it were a friend my age like many other stories.

Also it doesn't help that my mind is constantly playing tricks on me. I know for sure that I was under the age of 10 (almost positive that it was around 7/8) and only happened a couple of times. Although I know this is the case, sometimes it feels like the events took place in present day (which they didn't). Other times I look back at my childhood and think I played these sexual games with my sister every single day (which again I didn't). I don't know if this is a common thing or I'm just weird but it really harms my recovery.

Thanks again for all your help. Hopefully I can get past this soon and live a happy, healthy life!

Psych, the Mind is like a wild horse; the way to become its friend is through quietness - so find a place somewhere to be still for a little while… and sit alone in peacefulness; inside each of us is a vast inner wisdom… full of ideas and perfection, all it wants it to speak : and be listened to…

Ezekiel