I think I abused and I don't know what to do

When I was 16, almost 17, I think I sexually abused my much younger sister who was only 9 at the time. It involved her sitting on my lap (clothed) kind of grinding up against me, and a game where I would hold her up in the air with my feet, and she would land on my erection (Where I was also clothed). I also once masturbated and behind her back without her noticing. I also think I once grinded my head and feet up against her genital area while she was clothed, but I just can't remember and it's driving me crazy. I'm also not sure if this was a dream or not, but she also once told me to put my hands down her pants, which I refused.

I didn't really think much about what I did, until I had what I'd almost call an epiphany, about what I had done. I just don't understand why I did this, and how I even had the capacity to do something like this. Especially since I'm pretty sure I'm not a pedophile, but why would I do this if I wasn't a pedophile? I'm just so confused and the constant guilt is overwhelming. I told my mother about all of this shortly after I had the "epiphany" and she reacted with shock, but she doesn't think my sister is damaged by this and the fact that I would never hurt anyone like this ever again, reassured her. I want therapy, but my mother is scared that they would contact the authorities.

I just don't know what to do but I need help.

Hey Fly, difficult situation.

Life is about looking after each other and building a kind world together. Along the way we make mistakes. It sounds like all this was quite a while ago, and it sounds like nothing bad came of it.

However you are evidently distressed, so I suggest you take some time to be alone, to be quiet and reflect : focus on your breath, be still; see how you feel. Don't run away from anything; just accept the thoughts and feelings as they come, and decide what to keep and what to throw away…

Do no harm is the rule of life, follow this and all will be fine.

What is done is done; what is yet to be? We decide today… okay?

Peace and fond wishes, Ezekiel

I think therapy is a good idea TBH even with the risk of the authorities being contacted. This won't necessarily happen and I feel - even considering this risk - you need to have a space to work this through and to ensure that you won't ever act like this again (I believe you are in good faith when you say that you will not, but it's also about taking the necessary step of therapy to absolutely ensure this is the case, it demonstrates your commitment to both yourself and society).

I must admit to finding your post a little confusing at first (which is why it's taken me a couple of days to respond - so, my apologies for that). Were these actions of yours definitely performed with a sexual intent - or, indeed, with the intent that there would be genital contact? I ask because when younger I played the airplane game of holding a younger sibling up with my feet and while I was not whatsoever aroused doing so, I suppose if I had have been, my sibling falling off my feet (as invariably happens after you lose the balance) and onto me could have involved contact through clothes like you are describing i.e. was it that you deliberately made her fall onto your groin or that when she fell she happened to do so and you are worried that you found the experience arousing?

The most concerning things you said are IMHO you masturbating behind your sister's back and - //if it did actually happen// - you grinding your head and feet against her groinal area, as I would agree that these things constitute sexual abuse.

I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that you were still a child yourself, albeit an older one who should have known better. To some extent I think you should be able to draw a line between yourself as a child and yourself now as an adult and not consider yourselves the "same" person. Also, the fact that there was no direct contact involved (or, rather, it was through clothing) makes it more likely that your actions won't have a long-term traumatic impact upon your sister, which is the most important issue here.

I don't think you're a monster or evil or even a paedophile - just a thoughtless teenager who did something pretty messed up. I think therapy would help you work out why you did what you did and would allow you, in the long-term, to get some closure and move on with your life.

I am sorry if this post is a small comfort and not as reassuring as you might have hoped for... I want to be realistic and fair, so I hope you can take what I've said at face value because I'm not writing this feeling anger or disgust, but what you did makes me sad and I think it was wrong, though not such a wrong that all is lost!! It isn't. I think, in the long-run, you'll be okay. Have hope and take heart. You are, at the very least, no longer the child that you were. And I believe you when you say that you'll never do something like this ever again.