Unable to seek therapy and can't wait for the inevitable

I'm pretty much like all the stories here so I'll spare the details.

I'm not the kid I was when I made my mistake. I have apologized and my relationship with the person is good but I am afraid that they need more help. I have lost a 6 year relationship bc my girlfriend could not coincide what she knew of me with what I confessed about my past as an 11 year old this past summer. She tried, but eventually went into depression about it all.

I have been a good person since my mistakes in my mind but I still claim responsibility for my actions. It doesn't matter what led to it, what my thought process was or my age. I did it and there are consequences. I thought that this guilt I carry is enough of a burden but I'm slowly realizing that it isn't. What type of person out there would take a chance on someone like me? 6 years of being with someone was not enough to convince them. I never used my power over them, touched them inappropriately and I am not a danger to anyone.

They wanted me to get a therapist but I can't talk about this to a therapist. How have any of you gotten help through this? In every state in the U.S. they will report these acts and that is the end of my career. A career that I've worked hard to build and make my parents proud, but I realize this is the consequence of my actions. I want the person I hurt to get professional help if they choose later in life.

So I'm stuck in a stalemate. I'm living in a fake life where I know nobody around me would accept me and the changes I've made in my life if they knew what I did. No hope at a relationship and raising a family. My work into my profession will mean nothing if I am jailed. I'm tired of holding in this remorse and everyone on the internet thinking I'm doing it for attention. This is true and genuine remorse. I hate myself and I want the person I hurt to be freed from my actions. I'm tired of rebuilding myself and trying to tell myself I'm a good person when new indications of the hopelessness of my future (e.g. breakup) reveal that nothing I do can fix my mistakes.

I know what I'll be doing within the month but I will not mention it on this forum overtly. I really want to know though, how did the people seeing therapists see one without being arrested? I wish I could. The only option out there seems to be Germany unfortunately. My girlfriend thinks I'm hiding things by not seeing one even though I've told her everything along with claiming responsibility and what I believe my thought process was at the time.

Sorry, just to clarify - you say you were a child when you did this so why are you worried about being arrested if you reveal it to a therapist?

Bear in mind you also don't have to give any names to your therapist. They only tend to report when someone is seen as an imminent risk to themselves or others. They certainty don't report people for actions they did as a child. That would breach their confidentiality agreement, plus the police wouldn't be able to do anything anyway.

You could walk into a police station and confess what you did as an 11 year old, they will not do anything.

Every counseling session I've tried opens up with that confidentiality notice that if you're suicidal or have done something to someone in the past then you will be reported especially if an elderly individual or child were involved. I can understand the precautions. Going to an online therapist I was given this as a reply when asked about past abuse issues:

If you are an adult, 18 and older I would not need to report any abuse that happened to you.

If you hurt someone else then I would have to report that, if you were the abuser.

Ask them to be more specific if you're unsure. I've not come across a therapist that would report someone for any behaviour as a child. They know it can't go anywhere legally speaking so what would be the point? They're more likely to be done for wasting police time.

Sorry to hear about your GF mate.

From my personal experience (speaking as a Brit - not sure how it is in the States) therapists here won't report you unless you're presenting a current threat to people. Since you sound like you're at least in your twenties/thirties, I find it unlikely that anyone would report you for something you did at 11, and very shocking if they did.

And yeah I hear you on the feelings of falseness - something I grapple with everyday, not always successfully.

With regards to the victim, have you contact with them still? And if so, any indication that they've been affected by it? I think it's best to leave it if you don't, but if they ever come forward then it's only right you admit it (if you haven't already - hard to parse details when there's none given) so they can get whatever help they need - we gotta face the consequences of our actions.

That's unfortunately the rule here. I know some people on these forums have been able to see a therapist about past issues but I'm too scared to try if its an overzealous therapist I walk into.

Yeah I'm still in contact with them. They said they forgave me and we still talk regularly. I told them those feelings can change and it's fine and that they can get help. I'll have to respect what they said though I do worry about the impact it's made on them. From what I've seen if they're 18 they can talk to a therapist and can choose to report or not so I'd leave it up to them.

Do you live in a country where adults can be tried for any childhood crime less than murder?

If not, whether or not the therapist reports you is irrelevant. They will be wasting police time.

Yes, in many states you can be sent to prison for sex crimes committed as a child. Here is an example: *mod edit- sorry links to other forums/boards not permitted*

It depends largely on local laws. For example, some states have statutes of limitations. This is why Bill Cosby isn't currently in prison; his crimes were committed years ago in states with statutes of limitations. Many states have no statute of limitation for sex related crimes.

Unfortunately, I have no good solution for the creator of this thread. He (I am assuming he is male, I apologize if I am wrong) is correct about the mandatory reporting laws concerning therapists. I have been told that therapists aren't even required to report a past murder to the police, but they can lose their license as a therapist if they fail to report a sex crime no matter how long ago it occurred. Also, redmorgan is justified in fearing the consequences of arrest for a sex crime in the USA. The sentences are usually harsh, sex offenders are the target of violence and rape while in prison, most sex offenders have to register on a public database for life (or at least a few decades), and they end up social pariahs. Even worse, some states have laws preventing registered offenders from living within a certain distance of places where children may congregate (schools, bus stops, play grounds, etc.). This can effectively leave them homeless as no urban or suburban area has housing far enough away from one of these locations. For example, the laws in Florida are so draconian that it led to a colony of sex offenders to form under a bridge in the outskirts of Miami: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/sex-off ... id=8420696

I think the best that OP can do is talk to post his feelings on this forum. These laws are becoming more, not less, strict as the years go by.

Thanks HollowMan. I still don't think anything would come of the therapist alone reporting the incident.

The therapist's testimony as a "witness" would be based purely on a confession, and that's assuming all the details are accurate. Confessions alone do not stand up in court and the police know this. They will only accept confessions as corroborative evidence. But there has to be evidence a crime has been committed for charges to be brought. For example, we couldn't report any posts on this forum and expect the police to hunt down and arrest the person, because the report would be based purely on a confession and not a true witness testimony.

The victim and/or a credible witness who was actually there at the time the crime was committed has to come forward for any investigation to be initiated and charges brought.

It is, ultimately, up to the victim to come forward. Now that doesn't mean a therapist's report would be useless. It would most likely be filed and when a victim testimony is made the therapist's report of the confession would be used as corroborative evidence.

I think it's important people get the therapy they need, so perhaps I would ask if your therapist requires you give them your name and contact details. There are therapists who respect anonymity so these will be your best bet.

Yes, an anonymous therapy session would probably be a safe bet. I hope you can find someone to talk to OP.