I've fallen into despair.

Hi,
Over the past few months I've began to remember something I did when I was 8 or 9. Once when I was with my cousin who was 5 at the time I began to hump or "grind" on him for a while with my clothes on when we where lying in bed. I can't remember how long this lasted for but he did tell me to stop and from what I can remember I did, and I'm totally unsure as to why I even did such a thing. Because of this event and how I've began to remember it again, it's basically torn me apart due to guilt. I looked up information about COCSA online and how it ruins the lives of victims and i'm literally horrified when I think that I could have done that to my cousin. From what I can remember it only happened this once and I would NEVER do it again but obviously it was something that was really horrible of me to do and I can't believe that I could of have done such a thing.

I know there is no real excuse for this but at the age of 9 I didn't know how doing this to someone can affect them so deeply and that I could of done such a thing to someone.

It hasn't been mentioned between us at all, but I'm so scared. Like what if remembers, I worry it could have hurt him deeply and that he'll never want to see me again. I have non-stop been searching the internet about this and have read a lot about what Lena Dunham and Josh Duggar did and how so many people hate them after what they did, and basically I'm just assuming that what I did was just as wrong and that people would probably hate me for this if they were to find out. Music is very important to me, and this has gotten to the point where I can't listen to a song by one of my favorite artists and think "this artist probably hates me because of what I've done", so yeah that was really random but like that is what is has done. I was intending on going to some concerts in the next few weeks, but this rushing feeling of guilt has taken over me.

Somedays reading about it on here will be reassuring and I feel fine, but most days I'm overcome with guilt and anger within myself, I already have anxiety and depression I think and thinking about this has brought it to new heights. I wake up in the morning feeling as if I'd be better off dead because of what I did. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do next as I'm 16 now and it's affecting pretty much my whole life and I don't think I'll be able to move forward, I feel as if the only way I can get over this is if I just die.

Am I a horrible person? do I deserve any redemption for what I did? I would do anything to make up for it.

Thompson,

This certainly does not mean you are a horrible person. In fact, it speaks well of you that you are concerned with the repercussions of your behavior. And nine year olds cannot be expected to be held accountable for all their actions.

You made a mistake. Lots of children do. You might want to delicately approach your cousin sometime to see if he even remembers, which, at age five, he may not. I was abused at that age, and memories are so fleeting- a few unconnected moments stand out along with a memory of feelings, but I cannot create any complete scenario of what happened. And humping a little boy l is, I would guess, less memorable than what happened with me (ok, ok, maybe I shouldn't speculate, having never been a little boy).

I think a more important issue is what you are building this up to in your own mind. And I think speaking with a therapist might help you deal with your own sense of guilt and perhaps offer some guidance on whether you should even mention it to your cousin. Is it possible for you to see a mental health professional?

Trust me, your transgression here, real as it was, is relatively minor. Please stop beating up on yourself- it does not do anyone any good- and please let us know how you address this challenge in your life.

Thank you so much for that reply it made me feel better. I'm hoping that I can make some arrangements to see a therapist so hopefully that will help, but at the moment I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to approach him about it sadly, the thought of doing that worries me.

I agree with pistils' post. Not only was your act v. mild compared with the behaviour of John Duggar and Lena Dunham, their behaviour was also on-going and continued until they were seventeen. Personally, I see Duggar's acts/ crimes are more heinous than Dunham's, but both are in a **completely different ballpit** to you. Honestly. You were a young child acting stupidly. That's not something that should have to live with you forever on a daily basis. No way.

Sprock thank you also, but the thing that is really worrying me is the fear that I have seriously scarred my cousin. I don't think I could deal with knowing that so I am very unsure what I'm suppose to do now.

Obviously I cannot speak for your cousin. But since you were within a few years of his age and stopped as soon as he told you to and there was no genital contact or penetration I think it is highly unlikely he has been scarred from what happened.