I raped my cousin and then raped another the following week.

I never knew about this site but I believe I found it for a reason. I really hope that just sharing my story will lift some of the weight off my shoulders. This a very long post by the way and if you do read though all of this I truly do thank you for spending the time to read it all.
This is my story

At the age of around 10 or 11 I raped one of my cousins who was 6 at the time.What we did was some form of oral and anal intercourse. The reason I did anal was because at that age I didn't even know what a vagina was or where it was located. I didn't even know I could stick my thing into the vaginal opening. I tried to emulate what I saw from porn, but I couldn't do it right I guess you can say? At the end I didn't ejaculate or anything. I was just really curious what intercourse felt like. Soon my whole family found out and they beat the $#%^ out of me. I come from an asian american background.I apologized to my cousin's family but then the following week I did the same acts with a different cousin but this was never brought up. I am 24 right now and when I think about what I did at that age I absolutely hate myself. I am currently struggling with school. Any friend or family member that I became really close to I forcefully separate myself from them because I felt I was not deserving of friends as good as them. My older sisters are truly a blessing like no other. When I have fallen into debt they would bail me out to make sure I didn't have to suffer. I have 2 nephews and 3 nieces and I love them so much and strive to be the best uncle I can be. I also work with my two sister at a dental office that my brother in law opened up. At work I do my best to make sure all my coworker don't overexert themselves. They all tell me how much they appreciate what I do for the office because before I started working there times were rough. My sister used to lose hundreds to thousands of dollar because the person my sister appointed manager at the time would receive denied claims from insurance companies in the mail and just pretend like it never happened. When this person decided to go back to school my other brother in law who is a lawyer started working at the dental office. He worked there because he was unhappy with how his boss's were treating him at his firm. Now here is how I ended up working there. I was caught smoking marijuana inside my house and my sisters were very upset. They told me I was not going to college that semester and instead I would be working at the dental office. I hated working there at first for many reasons. Working for family was really tough because they expect you to do so much more than the other workers. Another reason I hated working there was waking up early in the morning (trust me I still do hate waking up that early lol). Over time however I was able to learn all the insurance stuff and got insanely good at it. The office now is making almost 50k-70k more each month compared to last year. My sister says that the work I put in at the office really does benefit everyone working there. All my coworkers think very highly of me not just because I'm the boss's little brother, but because I work hard to make their job's easier. Next weekend my coworker is having her wedding and she says I must come and of course I am going to be there, but for some reason today I keep thinking about my past. The group of friends that I do have now are very close to me. I shoved away the close ones I had about 2-3 years ago because I felt undeserving of their affection. I still talk to two people from that group which were my first blood cousins that I grew up with. One told me the group assumed that one of them did something to me and I never wanted to hangout with them again, but in reality it was my past that plagued me from wanting to be close to such good people. The group that I consider really close now are the people I used to work with at a restaurant. Some of us go to school together and some have already graduated. We all recently went on a beach trip together this past summer and I felt like I distanced myself further from my two best friend because they didn't drugs or partied like we were in college. Throughout the trip I preferred to only hangout with the people that wanted to smoke or drink because I am unhappy deep down inside. A few days ago I a text from one of those best friend saying "are you avoiding us?" At that moment I thought I'm doing it again. I thought I promised myself to not make the same mistake twice and distance myself from some really good people. I'm talking about the role models you hope your child can call auntie/uncle one day. So I decided to call one of my best friends today and explained to her that I have very dark past that I hope I will never have to bring up. I explained that because of my past I am not worthy of good people's affection and friendship. That concluded to why she felt I was distancing myself and avoid her. She then says something along the line of "I don't care what you did in the past, because the person I know today compassionate and caring best friend." I apologized to her for being so distant and promised to catch up with her when we are done with exams next week. After I got off the phone with her, I texted another girl who I truly believe is the closest person I have ever been to. A little bit of background about lets call her J. She is mixed between hispanic/african american and is the most gorgeous/beautiful girl I have ever seen. Her personality is very down to earth and the relationship we have is unique compared to other girls. We could be completely serious one moment and having inside jokes the next few seconds later. She could easily be stuck up and act like a stuck up, but she is completely the opposite of that. So I texted her "How would you define me as a person j" and usually she takes her times with text, but when she knows I'm serious she answers right away. Her text said "I think you are a kind compassionate asian. you're always so willing to help or give without hesitating. You can be very stubborn at times but real friends overcome petty arguments and stuff. I think you are a great person. Why?" Like my other conversation I explained to her that I have a past that I hope I never have to bring up around her. She then texted back saying "everyone has a past though...mistakes don't define you." Her message touched me deeply so I had to let her know that she truly is that 1 in a million friend. I spent the rest of my day texting the people I am close with apologizing for all the bs I may have said or done and they all responded with kind words and that they are glad we can put aside all the bs and be the friends that we are.

So here I am in my room thinking to myself....for the past 13-15 years I have let these past actions define who I am as a person. Lost many friends whom I was close to for all the wrong reasons. Of course if I could go back in time I would stop myself and explain to the younger me about the consequences and burden I would have in life. The reason I am so afraid to commit to a relationship with a girl is because of my past. I committed rape twice when I was 10 and I can't really move on with my life. The person I strive to be today is like my story, someone who is willing to put others before himself. I have met many guys out there that we would consider a-holes in this society. Learning from my past I know I could never ever be an ahole to any female I ever meet because they all go through some stuff and we being ahole doesn't solve anything. Like I said if you think I'm an absolutely horrible person I don't blame you, but if you believe that I am the person that my close friends describe me as, is there any advice/comments you would like to share? Again I really appreciate you for reading/commenting.

I read your whole post and ended with strong feelings on compassion for you. Your behaviour as a child was wrong. It also came from the confused brain of a child. It is so very clear that the person you are today has been forged in reaction to that child. I think it would be a mistake to consider you one-and-the-same person - after all, your brain (which is who *you* are) has changed so, so much since then. The fact that you have so much more to write about (your job, your sisters, your friends) is testimony to the amount of work you have put into changing and being a decent uncle and brother. I think therapy could help you reach some closure, but really I think you are in a good place right now. Hardly anyone is completely free from guilt or anxiety. The important thing is that you have people around you right now who accept you for the adult that you are now, not the child that you were